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Default Dec 08, 2019 at 04:28 PM
  #1
My father's last brother passed this week. He was 88. I am slightly sad. I have decided, however, not to go to the services -- even though they are in the next town and on a weekend.

It basically comes down to survival.

Here is the story. I was friends with his kids when I was a kid and had no ill will for them when I became an adult, but, when I became an adult, I started to realize they were toxic.

I could go into the reasons why but the reality is that these people are not going to bring anything to my life and, if I let them in, they will probably suck me dry of compassion or money or both.

My brother wants me to hang out with them and says things like they are "family". I suspect that he only hangs out with them because he can feel superior around them. And so he gets something out of it.

Also, frankly, this uncle did NOT come to my father's funeral. The kids did come but he didn't because he was ill. Well, not sure I am buying that but ...

Also, I am not friendly with the family and haven't seen them since... I think 1996. I don't see why I should go.

I do feel a little guilty as this is the end of my father's (pre us) family and that is sad... but.. I hope he will forgive me. He was always too kind.
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Default Dec 08, 2019 at 08:04 PM
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Hi Emily Fox Seaton. Sorry for the loss of your uncle. Sometimes services give closure but that is a personal decision.

A second idea is to write a letter that you never send saying all the things you want to clear the air.

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Default Dec 08, 2019 at 10:01 PM
  #3
Emily I was in your exact situation with my uncle's funeral. I didn't even go. I was never close to him or his children as they stopped making an effort to stay active in my life more than 20 years ago. Just because they're family, doesn't mean we're obligated to them, even where funerals are concerned. Why waste money on a hotel and plane ticket or train/bus ticket plus hotel, to spend 1-2 days with people who don't value you in their lives? Just so you can "save face" by going to a funeral for an uncle you had no close connection to. Don't do it. Your brother has an agenda for going. Doesn't mean you are obligated to go because he goes. You are an adult and don't owe your brother or cousins an explanation since they don't keep in touch.
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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 05:44 AM
  #4
And now my cousin facebooked me and wants to go for coffee. I am sure I have my brother to thank for that. This is another cousin not affiliated with that family but they probably were all at the services.

Two points
1. She is coming into the city for an event she wants to go to, so she wants to get coffee with me after the event.
So that is exactly what I want to do after a long hard day, stay in the city and extend my long hard day. No as usual, this is what she wants to do.

2. I have gone to too many events because I felt guilty about it... I think the kindest thing is to just not respond. I just don't want to go. I don't wish her ill I just don't want to hang with her -- and she clearly doesn't get that message.

I can't bring myself to respond. I know they all think I am horrible but I just can't.
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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 06:05 AM
  #5
Don't feel guilty about being true to yourself. Just gently tell her that you need to rest etc. Perhaps send flowers or something like that? If you were close to your uncle, his spirit will always be with you. He will understand. Let go of guilt. It is harder for people to guilt trip us when we love ourselves enough to be true to our core values. We all have people in our life whom we connect most genuinely with--they are the people who are on the same wavelength as we are. It is natural to want to be with people who make us feel good. You are not wrong to do what feels right for you.
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Default Dec 09, 2019 at 09:39 AM
  #6
I personally believe everyone needs to take his or her own decisions. If you don't feel like going, then you don't have to go. Of course I'd still suggest to think carefully about your decision, since like you've said this is going to be the last chance for you to salute him and give him goodbye - along with the rest of your Father's Family. Decide by yourself though! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Emily Fox Seaton, your Family, your Friends, your Father, your Brother, your Uncle, your Cousin, your Nephews and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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