It's hard to be vulnerable with other people sometimes

Today I went to a workshop and afterwards talked to the instructor candidly about what my goals are. I noticed myself tearing up as I spoke, but I didn't burst into tears or anything. It was REALLY scary to be so vulnerable with someone I don't know about what my creative goals are; esp. with someone who has major connections.

I asked her about where I should start and she advised me. And then she commented that she could tell how important it was for me to reconnect with this specific creative community of people. I don't know what she was thinking about me as a person, but once you are vulnerable with someone about who you really are there's no going in reverse. People will think what they want to about you when you show them your true self.

Considering the crappy situation I'm in -- not working steadily right now, living with a roommate who is mentally ill -- I NEEDED this workshop. I needed to go to it. It felt like the first step towards something good that could result. I don't know if that will be the result, but I know I'd have felt worse if I hadn't gone to this workshop today. I had been thinking about this creative field for 20 years, longing to get involved again, scared that the people who don't like me in it, since everyone here knows everyone who's involved with it, would prevent me from reconnecting with this community as a creative outlet for myself. That can still happen of course, because not everyone I knew "back then" liked me as a person.

So, I left and by the time I got to my car, I was definitely in full weep mode. I realized right away, it was my body's response to being so emotionally vulnerable with someone who has power and authority in a field I want to get connected back into again. I'm a little embarrassed in hindsight, thinking about the first impression she has of me, should I successfully get back into this creative field and start socially connecting with people she knows.

But, one thing I don't feel is shame. I am glad I was vulnerable with her. I want connection again with the creative field I was once connected to twenty years ago and since I can't afford to move anywhere, I have to reconnect with everyone again....with people I knew "back then." Some of whom liked me, some who definitely didn't like me. But it's a first step. And the first step is sometimes scary to take, even when you know you have nothing to lose by taking it, since it's a risk. But I did it for my spirit. Does that make sense? Can anyone relate?

bump ....

Unfortunately, I don't have anything very useful for you. Sorry. If I were in your position, I would probably not be willing to 'back' and deal with those people. I have a very limited tolerance for people whom I feel have mistreated me. Now, maybe those folks in your former community did not mistreat you, but merely 'disliked' you. I still would not want to deal with them. I would try to find a new and different way of doing my craft without them.

If you must and only deal with this group, you are probably going to have to prepare yourself for more discomfort. Those people have likely not changed very much. People usually don't.

This was important for you to recognize about yourself (((Blanche))). Someone with power and authority let you down, and probably hurt you and you need to heal from whatever that experience was. It isn't always a bad thing when someone like this recognizes how important something is for you.

Oh, but your response is chock full of insight bpcyclist. I don't WANT to deal with these folk who knew me "back then," but they are quite active in the scene here, so unfortunately, my paths will cross with theirs at some point.

In the past ten years, when I tried to re-enter the scene again, I first tried to socially network with a couple of people I knew from college. I met one for coffee and asked her if she'd mentor me. She gave me her phone # and said I could call her. I was shocked by her response, when I finally DID call her, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME BLANCHE."

So I responded, "Um, you gave me your phone number and told me that I could call you. I was just calling to see if you'd have time to get together..." and then that same year, when I tried to join a local small group, she found out about it, and told them *whatever she told them that wasn't nice about me* so they emailed me and told me I couldn't join their group. So, I decided not to even attempt to join another group out of fear of what she'd say about me to the new people on the scene.

We were in college classes and productions together, and always got along. So, I literally have NO CLUE what I did or said to her, that made her suddenly dislike me. And I'm not one to live in denial about my flaws. I know what they are. Believe me.

Another guy, who is prominent in the scene here, I met through mutual acquaintances. We joked around via email a lot with each other. We met for coffee a couple of times platonically and at the second meeting, as he was walking away he shouted, "I'll make sure you never work in this town Blanche. You're a *****."

Then later, I ran into him grocery shopping and when he saw me, he immediately darted the opposite direction. Again, unless someone tells me what I did or said to them that made them angry, I don't read minds, so I don't know why he responded that way to me. He's in a very powerful position here so there's no way I can avoid him hearing about me once I get back into the scene again. That's how small the community is.

A third person who knows both of these other people, I had met with about potentially being roommates with. I went to one of her shows, and met one of her male friends and we got to talking and she didn't like this.

So that when her male friend went up to perform, he made a reference to me in a very negative way (not using my name) but he referenced word-for-word a conversation I'd had earlier that day with this woman about living w/her. So, it was a giveaway that they had talked about me and she had turned him against me that night before I'd even had a chance to really hang out with him.

She had wanted me to rent the attic portion of her house and told me that because she hosts performers, I would not be allowed to have access to the rest of her house, which I told her, seemed odd. She also told me that she doesn't socialize with her roommates and not to expect us to become friends. It was just a weird meeting.

So, obviously, I declined to be her roommate. Then later, went to a group performance where she was performing, with some other friends at the time. None of them could understand why that guy's monologue (where he mocked me verbatim) about a woman (me) would upset me. Even after I explained the context to my friends, they told me I was overreacting, but I wasn't.

So, these two women are quite chummy with each other and both hate my guts exponentially. I tried to be friends with them both, but they rejected me.

The only way I can think of shielding myself, is maintaining good standing with the director I met today in the workshop I completed. She knows *everyone* (famous people too).

This may have been a major oopsie, but I revealed to her BY NAME who I was associated with 25 years ago in the scene (she knew who I was talking about). I joked, "Yeah, I wasn't 'cool' enough I guess, so I just gave up. But now, I really want a second chance b/c I really miss [the creative field] it as an outlet. I had fun when I used to do it."

So, if that was an oopsie...then, oopsie. I shouldn't have bad-mouthed those people but it was past pain resurfacing after the workshop finished, when I thought about what I allowed myself to miss out on the past 25 years b/c of how I wasn't "let in" to the scene by the dominant performers, despite being just as skilled as they are. (Now I sound like a whiner...oopsie).

She may confirm their low opinion of me now, b/c of my oopsie in disclosing that i felt shunned by those few personalities. But, I did mention a few others she knows by name, who I've maintained good standing with over the years who like me a lot. So it's really a 50/50 of hate/like Blanche.

And with new people, I need to just let them decide for themselves who to believe; these established folk who hate my guts, or me, if I act as anything these people bring up about me from the past, doesn't mean anything to me (but the director clearly saw that it does...i.e. me tearing up a little).

But really, there was no way around the tears-response. I knew it would be scary to try to re-enter the scene. I just decided recently, I'm tired of letting some of these people's low opinions of me prevent me from pursuing something I used to be really skilled at, and passionate about.

The director ended our conversation referring me to another contact to help me get back into the scene. So I will contact this person via email and see what happens. This person's response will reflect whether or not the Blanche naysayers still want to keep me out of the scene.

Yes. I was deeply hurt -- my trust betrayed actually -- by someone with power and authority in this scene a long time ago. I was let down because lies were spread about me by this powerful person (and everyone believed him at the time).

I hope the director today could see just how crucial her workshop was for my spirit -- how much it meant for me to participate again. I felt overwhelmed because it was a neutral space with a group of complete strangers who didn't know me, who supported me during the workshop and got to know me. So, it was the first time in 25 years, where I felt optimistic, like, "maybe I can get involved again and have fun and become accepted back into the community despite the assholes who didn't like me."

I'll find out. Her workshop was the door I walked through, so to speak. I am not closing that door again. I need this for my spirit. Life is short, as they say.

It's unfortunate Blanche that people in places of power can be rather small minded. Small minded people notoriously gossip and spread lies.

Is this in the performing arts? Unfortunately, there can be some rather small minded individuals in that area of the arts, aka Drama Queens that need all the attention to revolve around them and they will lie and gossip because it enables them to keep the attention revolving around them.

In my former profession, we used to say that people were such jerks because the stakes were so low...

I just wish there were a way for you to pursue your passion without having to deal with all these suboptimal humans. Hopefully this upcoming contact goes well and you can just move forward. Sending you support.

I just don't understand why people need to be so petty and mean. We're all adults. Like, if I do/say something that offends you why not just tell me so we can talk and sort it out? Otherwise, how would I ever know how I come across unless I'm given feedback?

Yes, its the performing arts. All three people in my previous post know each other too. I'd say these three people are very small minded.

When I got involved with my community radio station again a year ago, I heard from one of the volunteers about the guy -- supposedly he has a bad reputation in the performing arts industry. Some people in the industry don't like him because he spreads lies about people (so I wasn't his only victim, thankfully).

We were talking about one of the agencies here in town, and his name came up and the volunteer knew who I was talking about and reassured me that the guy isn't well liked by half the people in my town and was forced out of one agency he worked for because of his petty behavior, so he created his own agency.

His own agency operates this way; once you join, you have to "keep up with trends" (this is dumb b/c if you submit your headshot and reel once, you shouldn't be required to constantly update your reel due to "trends" and by the way, what the hell are "trends"). If you don't, you get dumped from his agency because he won't submit you for jobs. Talk about asshole.

The gal I went to college with, always needs to be the center of attention. In college, we were in plays together and took theater classes together. When she wasn't cast in the lead, or had co-leads, she made sure her co-leads knew she was "the best one" on stage, by always making sarcastic remarks.

The second gal I referred to is a spoken word artist. So, her fellow spoken word artist who I hit it off with (the guy) referenced me verbatim (sans my name) on stage at a poetry slam competition based on a conversation she and I had earlier that day about being roommates (it was a tense conversation). She didn't like the fact that I liked her male friend who was staying at her house so she went out of her way to trash me at the poetry slam competition and convince her friend I was a loser (which he openly mocked me on stage in a piece he said was an 'improvisation).

As an audience member, I wanted to slink down in my chair, but my friends I was with, didn't know that his improvised piece was referencing the awkward conversation I'd had with this woman, his friend, earlier that day. After he performed, I went back stage to confront him and her and I did. I just stood next to her, and commented "Why did you tell [your friend] about our earlier conversation? That was mean. Why don't you like me?" She just sneered and walked away. So, I went over to him, and said "What you did on stage was really mean and I don't understand why. It really hurt my feelings b/c I like you as an artist and I didn't do anything to deserve that humiliation." He just looked at me, smirked, then shrugged and walked away.

These people have not changed. So, I expect once they find out I'm taking improv classes (free ones) and meeting the new people on the scene they also know, I"ll be either shunned by the new people suddenly, or they may mention the person's name and see how I react.

My hope is that the director I met today, doesn't think less of me because of what I shared with her. What is it with creative types? Or, is this across every line of work? I think it must be. There's always mean, petty people everywhere.

So, how did you deal with those jerks in your former profession, bycyclist? Did they try to sabotage or undermine your reputation and work? Did you have to defend yourself?

I wonder what the stakes were/are for these three people in the performing arts scene here in my city. That they need to be on every casting director and talent agency's radar and theater's audition list? And if I dare get involved, I'm just competition to them (hardly, its been 25 years)?

I wish there was another way too, but unfortunately, I'd need to move out of state which I can't financially afford to do. It's like their petty behavior will be reignited once I get active in the performing arts scene as a student and start meeting the new people on the scene. I guess I will just have to wait and see what they do to me.

This is so interesting to me, I'm curious to see how it goes. Quite a few years ago I lived in a smaller town that had a really active arts community, there was a really supportive effort by the more successful members to support anyone else who was creating, there was a real sense of community because the "leaders" were good people.
I'm wondering if you can connect with people in that way and build your own -better community, with the help of like minded artists, something more like what this was like?
I'm a very shy person myself so I do understand feeling vulnerable and not up to leading things, so, I have a lot of admiration for anyone who can express themselves this way. The world needs artists of all kinds.

(((Blanche)))), if you noticed, these two individuals who clearly were rude to you and actually used you as a target were not responsive or interested or had an answer when you approached them to ask them why or call them out on their clearly bad behavior.

These kind of people are Dung Beetles. Dung beetles are beetles that feed on faeces. These beetles can bury dung 250 times heavier than themselves in one night. Many dung bettles known as rollers, roll dung into round balls, which are used as a food source or breeding chambers. Another group, the dwellers, neither roll nor burrow, they simply live in the manure. Dung Beetles Blanche, have small minds and pretty much only exist by feeding on faeces and that is what you are dealing with. Yes, it's crappy and it stinks but they have been living that way for so long they genuinely don't smell the stench of it. And when anyone tries to tell them they stink they typically walk away and slam doors because they are too small minded to see they are crappy people who only can survive in manure and behave in crappy ways and hang out with dwellers. And yes, they tend to reply to people like you by taking what they can use in their small mindedness making up crap.

Twenty five years ago you were young and naive and were not prepared to face this kind of crap from these kind of people. So you walked away because the experience for you was so disturbing. Thing is Blanche, these individuals ONLY know how to live in crap so they are not going to be different, what can be different however is NOW you know more about them and will need to find ways to avoid these individuals who only know how to dish out and create crap. Now you know these individuals will simply roll you up in a ball and feed you to the dwellers.

I thought about you the other night because I came across a documentary on REELS (a channel I have on the TV service I get) about the making of "Gone With the Wind". In watching that documentary about how much went into making that movie, I now have a lot more respect for that movie. The producer David O. Selznick had so many challenges with that movie and even had a break down and had to step away for a bit, but he did go back to finish that movie. That movie is most definitely a classic and the reason it will always be regarded highly is because of how well it captures "humanity". One thing that will always be "trending" will be works that portray "humanity". Yet, when all a person gets to see is the final product, there is so much that goes into that final product that is often truely remarkable that so many don't see unless, like what I watched there is a documentary that shows all the work and creative aspects that went into that final product.

It was totally amazing how these different individuals were able to create things that look SO REAL but are not real at all. I found it incredible how these individuals were able to create what they did considering the technology they had at the time, nothing compared to what we have now. It was also pointed out how even the colors they used in the skies were to add to the mood of what was being portrayed in that movie. Then there are the amazing incredibly talented individuals that create the music throughout the picture as well. So, in essence there is so much of Humanity behind this incredible portrayl of Humanity. The thing about a piece that turns out so amazinly incredible like this is that for those who partake in creating it, everything they work on "after" this amazing piece tends to be judged by this one amazing piece of work. So was the case for Selznick, yet he managed to maintain his desire to continue creating and producing other works/movies.

One of the things I learned when I was on stage as a lead singer was not so much me being the center of attention, but, how what I did on that stage could affect the entire mood of the room/space I was entertaining in. I remember us getting a job in a really nice place and how that first night I sang our repertoire of songs and the lounge was pretty crowded and after I sang a piece, even several pieces the audience did not react, but just stood staring. It was a bit un-nerving because I had no idea if the audience liked me or not. When I did sing though, I did sing from my heart and felt the songs. When that night was over I really did not know if the audience liked me or not. Well, apparently they did like me because the next time I sang and performed, it was even more crowded. Honestly, I just tried to focus on the music, feeling each song and trying to fill the room with how I felt about that song. I had no idea THAT is important and was the reason more people came to see me and the band I was in. I did not have any training that expressed what all these years later I finally realized came naturally to me. I had no idea the silence I had experienced that had been confusing was not that I was not liked, but that I was different and it would take time for these people to think about this "different". A good performer (artist) embraces the humanity in whatever they are performing (creating) and touches the humanity in others with it. Blanche, that is what is ALWAYS trending and is what makes any creation "timeless".

When you interacted with that instructor, you teared up and showed her your humanity. Her response was "you really do want this". She GOT IT Blanche, and then you walked away and cried, you released your humanity (((Blanche))) when you did that. In fact, because you shared that, you touched the humanity in others who can relate to experiencing something like that themselves.

I think toxic people are individuals who like to attack the humanity in others because they are terrified of showing whatever humanity they hide within themselves. Yet, also there are individuals who never develop the ability to connect with the humanity in others as well.

When I shared with you that I may have dealt with how that room mate approached you that night differently. I was trying to share with you how I may have taken that opportunity to connect with her humanity. Sometimes, another person manages to open a very small doorway/invitation to often their very fragile humanity. Sometimes being able to recognize that and embrace that can end up being fruitful, and sometimes not, but at least an effort can be made. This instructer was able to do that with you and you revealed your humanity to her. You were hurt 25 years ago and you ran away and shut that door, not very different than what that room mate did. Something happened to her that caused her to break down and disconnect with humanity.

What I often struggle with when it comes to my older sister and how badly she triggers me, is no matter how hard I try, I cannot connect with her humanity. She got so dark that it was painful to go anywhere near her. Once someone shows they are not afraid to lie and they create drama to hurt and intimidate or solicit a response they can use to their advantage, it's no longer healthy to experience their presence.

You encountered a Dung Beetle and you were at a loss in knowing what it was and how to deal with it. They will be the type that feeds on crap and they often will choose to use your humanity against you. Often these individuals do end up having some power, yet, it's not because they are "good", but instead it's more because they can bury crap 250 times heavier than themselves. They don't care to care Blanche. And yes, that can have a very challenging affect on many people, ofcourse, except to those who also thrive on DUNG.

Because for these individuals to be able to really connect and communicate, they have to be able to "feel" their own humanity which includes their own faults and feelings and they simply don't want to do that.