Ugh, not a merry xmas.

Dec 25, 2019 at 06:05 PM

My brother and his wife are frankly on the verge of a divorce. This is 100% my brother's fault. My brother is abusive and obnoxious. Not only that, he is lazy. This is the second xmas now that I have gone over there and they are fighting like cats and dogs. I suspect, however, I have a few years before this happens as I don't think she can leave until her mother passes.

Today was so bad he walked out with me to tell me about how annoyed he was with her. For the second year in a row I reiterated that he wasn't coming to live with me... and for the second year in a row he said "oh thanks" as if I was being mean to him.

He is NOT coming to live with me. If that looked like an option I would quit my job right now and move far away to a studio apartment. He is abusive and obnoxious and I am not going to be miserable in the home I worked for. When I lived with him as a child I was miserable every day and now he has guns.

He never learns either. He broke up with a prior girlfriend and he says he didn't hurt her but I know he did (there was a slight bruise on her chest) and the law is such that she literally kept him out of his house AND he had to pay her to have her drop the restraining order. Plus the legal fees. At the time he slept on his mom's couch. I am NOT going to be his mom.

But his Ego is so ity bity that he has to win his arguments with a "woman" no matter how stupid it is. He has to have his way on everything and never gives in. He likes to infuriate women but doing things like bring auto parts into the house, roughhousing the pets, and being careless with things like electrical or gas.

He acts like I owe him because he has been inviting me over for years. But I never asked for that. So I feel like sending him a check for the presents and food that he has provided over the years and telling him that our relationship is over. I mean I know that seems extreme but the only reason I was associating with him was that I thought he had changed and matured but in the last few years it seems he hasn't changed. And he is NOT taking me down with him.

I thought maybe that might make him rethink things and if not he would know not to darken my door.

Frustrated.

Dec 26, 2019 at 04:38 AM

I am sorry for the family drama.
sounds like a lot to cope with

Dec 26, 2019 at 05:32 AM

I thought they were getting along better as they went on an european trip last year but apparently that also was a massive issue because my brother spent so much on the trip. Then I can't believe how bad his house maintenance is. Both toilets were broken yesterday. What does it take to fix a toilet? I mean I have done that. They work but run all day. His driveway is in rough shape and now his 4 floor 2 car garage home is starting to look horder esqe. He just sits as home all day doing nothing. My only saving grace is that I live in a condo the the rules don't allow certain things... but he is really blowing it and I feel like he needs someone to tell him that, but the only people who will are women that he doesn't listen to.

guilloche · Dec 26, 2019 at 09:51 AM

That sounds really awful to have to deal with. Family stuff is so hard, I'm sorry.

I wouldn't send him a check though. I think that escalates the situation by making what is (sort of?) a relationship/interaction problem into something transactional. I don't know, I could be wrong, but that's my feeling.

How much contact do you have with him now? Can you just cut back slowly, and see him less? When he invites him over, can you just... you know... be unavailable?

I hear you about not being able to be direct, since he won't likely listen to you. It's too bad for him though, as it sounds like he's really screwing up his life and relationships. It seems like people don't change though unless they have to (i.e. unless their life gets so bad that they suddenly wonder, "what am I doing wrong and how do I fix it?") - so maybe cutting off contact with him (and his wife leaving, and him having no where to go) would, in the end, push him to examine his behavior?

Even if it doesn't, it might be best for your own health and sanity...

Dec 26, 2019 at 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guilloche

I hear you about not being able to be direct, since he won't likely listen to you. It's too bad for him though, as it sounds like he's really screwing up his life and relationships. It seems like people don't change though unless they have to (i.e. unless their life gets so bad that they suddenly wonder, "what am I doing wrong and how do I fix it?") - so maybe cutting off contact with him (and his wife leaving, and him having no where to go) would, in the end, push him to examine his behavior?.

I don't think it would. I think he has convinced himself that I have an issue with not wanting to be around people. So he will just think that.

Thanks for listening. He has this thing were he always likes to "push" women. Because he doesn't respect them and he knows they can't fight back - physically. So I guess I will just have to wait for him to show up and if he tries to get into my house I will call the cops. Literally. The moment he gets into the house for two seconds he will abuse my cat, and park his motorcycle in my basement. He will never pay for an apartment when he can sit in my house for free. The only way to handle him is to "push" him back.

Right now the only time I see him is thanksgiving and xmas. Other than that we have no contact. But he thinks that because he invites he over at these times and we are "family" he is going to be able to live with his new slave, me, if things don't work out with his wife.

guilloche · Dec 26, 2019 at 08:49 PM

*hugs* - Yeah, that sucks. I mean, who cares if he thinks you're anti-social, right? His thoughts here aren't really going to affect your life, I'm assuming...

But him trying to get in to your house, because he thinks you owe it to him? Nope!

I hope he doesn't think to show up, honestly. It sounds stressful! I'm sorry you have to deal with it!

Jan 01, 2020 at 05:28 PM

So it is 5:12 on New Years and he called.. at first I thought, well, if it is important he will leave a voice mail, but turns out I forgot to set up my voice mail box. Got a new phone a month ago. But he could text me OR facebook me... so I am guessing it is nothing important.

I have decided to stop talking to him. He allegedly has 30 or 40 "friends" who love him. So he can go see them if there is an issue.

I know it seems horrible but I really feel like this was the long game all along. I was the escape valve if the wife didn't work out. So now that I know that I feel little concern about blowing him off. I want him to understand that if he makes this same mistake again my door won't be open to him. In fact, I feel like he pretty much just ended our relationship. He is just the same 17 year old bully he was then who wants to sleep all day and do nothing. If that is his life choice, let it be in HIS apartment.

rechu · Jan 02, 2020 at 08:23 AM

It sounded like you knew how things were going to go. I am curious why you decided to visit in the first place.

I'd keep very limited to no contact from now on. Let his friends help him if the wife kicks him out.

Jan 12, 2020 at 04:59 PM

Well, here is is.. 3:40 PM on a Sunday and he facebooks me that he wants to come over. Not only that he wants to come over on his motorbike. Unfortunately it is like 70 here today. I told him no i was going out. And then I left just in case he came over.

What am I going to do? Obviously he is making plans this way. I have lived here for 5 years and in that time he has visited 3 times. ALL because HE wanted something. He obviously wants something. He won't leave a phone message so he wants to talk with me. I only take solace in that he wants to come over on the motorbike (and not his regular car which would contain all his stuff).

When he got married it never occurred to me that he would want to come back and live with me. For most of his life he has been working but in the last few months he lost his job, can't get another one (due to his age) and has almost zero money. He gets some disability but it absolutely isn't enough to live on. Up until a few years ago I was living in a one bedroom apartment that wouldn't allow him to live the lifestyle to which likes. Foolish me I then moved into a three floor townhouse (one reason for doing so in case I had to get a roommate).

I find it hard to believe he would be divorcing at this particular point in time because his son is only 13 and I believe his wife's mom will not really allow her to get a divorce while she is alive. But he clearly wants to talk with me without his wife or son so... that is suspicious.

I hope I am only overreacting and he just wanted to come over because he wanted to ride his bike someplace.

Feb 08, 2020 at 08:43 AM

So I can't figure out how to take this. One of the biggest problem points for my brother and his wife is an old car he has lugged everywhere. It is a important car but it is in pieces.

He has put all the pieces all around the house including in living areas and in the attic. I said to him... can the attic hold pieces and his wife lost it (because I am betting it can't) It is actually a collectors car that might be worth moola.

I was severely worried that if he came to live with me all those pieces would end up in my basement (which I just made habitable) or my attic which I had a structural engineer tell me was not designed to have anything in.

Well the other day I saw him tell someone on facebook that he had sold the car. I asked him about it but he was vague.

So I can't tell

1. If he really did sell the car or he was just lying to a person on facebook and

2. What does that mean if he sold the car? That he is trying to make his wife happy and realizes she is about had it with him OR that he sold the car to get money to prepare to leave her.

Either way I am kind of happy about it. I would be surprised if he lied to the person he did.

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Ugh, not a merry xmas.

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Anonymous32451 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 26, 2019 at 04:38 AM #2 I am sorry for the family drama. sounds like a lot to cope with
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guilloche Magnate Member Since Jun 2014 Location: US Posts: 2,734 9 2,704 hugs given	Dec 26, 2019 at 08:49 PM #6 hugs - Yeah, that sucks. I mean, who cares if he thinks you're anti-social, right? His thoughts here aren't really going to affect your life, I'm assuming... But him trying to get in to your house, because he thinks you owe it to him? Nope! I hope he doesn't think to show up, honestly. It sounds stressful! I'm sorry you have to deal with it!
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rechu Magnate Member Since Apr 2016 Location: Somewhere in South America Posts: 2,210 8 1,037 hugs given	Jan 02, 2020 at 08:23 AM #8 It sounded like you knew how things were going to go. I am curious why you decided to visit in the first place. I'd keep very limited to no contact from now on. Let his friends help him if the wife kicks him out.
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