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Default Jan 13, 2020 at 09:19 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
My tactic is to try to take distance. Get as much as I can out of myself and my own Egotistic needs to reach out the other person. As “something” separate from me. It’s not easy.
So as to see what’s and what’s not objective, what is understandable and what can be endured by you or you are ready to endure. It’s a way to find yourself in the other person.
I will have to try that out.
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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 08:37 PM
  #22
Good post

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
What a great thread.

I deal with this virtually every single day of my life. What I have found for me is that no one thing or even couple of things is fully sufficient to battle this problem of mine. It has become a whole bunch of different things relied on at different times that have allowed me to go on. It is a lot of work for me to stay out of victimhood, I won't lie. But I keep on trying.

Here are a few of my most commonly used skills/things/whatever you want to call them: prayer, meditation and mindfulness activities, Buddhist breathing techniques, exercise, tons and tons of DBT stuff, CBT, REBT, Shame Resilience, reading inspirational things by people like Jesus, Thich Nhat Hanh, Brene Brown, Pema Chodron, VIktor Frankl, AA, NA, and more specifically, the AA/NA principle of radical acceptance, watching videos and TV shows about animals, which in me, allows me to briefly experience feelings of love and even joy, which I otherwise do not have any of in my life. So, this one is actually more than a DBT activity, just to be clear. It is able to activate in my brain important, positive emotions I almost never would experience otherwise. So, I do it.

These are my go-to's. I do believe that perhaps the single most impressive piece of writing on this topic for me, other than certain personally important religious/spiritual works, is Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. Just mind-blowing. Short. You can read it in a day. Could be worth checking out.

I am sorry if nothing I posted helps you. Praying for you and thinking of you.

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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 08:38 PM
  #23
Good post

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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Another thing is realizing that a lot of people project their own issues onto everyone else or blame other people for their issues and problems. A part of not being a victim is to not absorb others' projections or issues. Other people's problems are for them to own, not for anyone else to take ownership of or absorb. Many people victimize others through projection and blame.

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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 09:55 PM
  #24
Good thread. Thank you Buffy, this stuff helps me too.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with bullies in your home. How unsettling. I agree that distancing yourself in any way would be good and to remember that people who are jerks, bullies, and mean, are projecting their "stuff" onto us and to not get sucked in.
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 07:04 AM
  #25
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I'm looking for way to stop taking things personally and putting up healthy boundaries.
Buffy, I can relate. I am trying to do the same thing. I'd love to learn more about how to create healthy boundaries. I take things far too personally at times, when it's someone else's issues at play, and not mine.

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 07:23 AM
  #26
Maintaining healthy boundaries takes two. You lay down your boundary, but the other person has to respect it. When they won’t respect you, that’s when you have to either let them cross your boundary or stop them in their tracks by getting away from them (literally physically leaving or ending the relationship).

There’s pain in ending those relationships. It may be with a person who you thought cares about you. But if they don’t have any respect for you, do it they really care for you? There’s grieving when you enforce your boundary and end the relationship, even when it was an abusive one.

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 07:54 AM
  #27
I just found this, since we're talking about healthy boundaries:

What are healthy boundaries?

1. Saying no without guilt
2. Asking for what you want and need
3. Taking care of yourself
4. Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others
5. Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
6. Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements
7. Pursuing your own goals
8. Taking responsibility for your own happiness
9. Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
10. Being in tune with your own feelings
11. Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 08:08 AM
  #28
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I just found this, since we're talking about healthy boundaries:

What are healthy boundaries?

1. Saying no without guilt
2. Asking for what you want and need
3. Taking care of yourself
4. Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others
5. Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
6. Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements
7. Pursuing your own goals
8. Taking responsibility for your own happiness
9. Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
10. Being in tune with your own feelings
11. Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like
Yes! When you use those with another person who accepts them, it is a healthy relationship. When you use those with another person who doesn’t, it is the end.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 11:05 AM
  #29
I wonder if one of the reasons why most of Western people struggle so often as to what setting boundaries regards is our Christian cultural background.
I say it with respect for the good part this culture, that is my own one, involves. I do admit that I admire of that idea of loving the others as we love ourselves and all that concept of feeling guilty is needed to be a better person. But, maybe we took it to the extreme and sometimes when we fail or cannot sort of accomplish these principles, the weight of failure and feeling of guiltiness is so hard that we end up feeling kind of selfish if we see us force to set boundaries.

I’m telling this because I often feel bad with myself when I have to make clear my rights or the way I want to be treat. I’m not sure. Feel like if what I sort of have in the ADN is to take in the situation and forgive. It’s kind of what it’s supposed from a good person, right?

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 01:31 PM
  #30
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Good post
Thank you I hope this post help other
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 01:34 PM
  #31
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
Good thread. Thank you Buffy, this stuff helps me too.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with bullies in your home. How unsettling. I agree that distancing yourself in any way would be good and to remember that people who are jerks, bullies, and mean, are projecting their "stuff" onto us and to not get sucked in.
I'm happy that I could help you out. I'm trying to remember that whenever I am emotionally abuse.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 01:36 PM
  #32
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Buffy, I can relate. I am trying to do the same thing. I'd love to learn more about how to create healthy boundaries. I take things far too personally at times, when it's someone else's issues at play, and not mine.
It is hard.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 01:37 PM
  #33
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Maintaining healthy boundaries takes two. You lay down your boundary, but the other person has to respect it. When they won’t respect you, that’s when you have to either let them cross your boundary or stop them in their tracks by getting away from them (literally physically leaving or ending the relationship).

There’s pain in ending those relationships. It may be with a person who you thought cares about you. But if they don’t have any respect for you, do it they really care for you? There’s grieving when you enforce your boundary and end the relationship, even when it was an abusive one.
I will have to keep that in mind.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 01:39 PM
  #34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I just found this, since we're talking about healthy boundaries:

What are healthy boundaries?

1. Saying no without guilt
2. Asking for what you want and need
3. Taking care of yourself
4. Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others
5. Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
6. Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements
7. Pursuing your own goals
8. Taking responsibility for your own happiness
9. Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
10. Being in tune with your own feelings
11. Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like

Thank you for sharing this information wit us about healthy boundaries
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 04:43 PM
  #35
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Yes! When you use those with another person who accepts them, it is a healthy relationship. When you use those with another person who doesn’t, it is the end.
That is great advice. I will have to practice that
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 04:45 PM
  #36
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Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
I wonder if one of the reasons why most of Western people struggle so often as to what setting boundaries regards is our Christian cultural background.
I say it with respect for the good part this culture, that is my own one, involves. I do admit that I admire of that idea of loving the others as we love ourselves and all that concept of feeling guilty is needed to be a better person. But, maybe we took it to the extreme and sometimes when we fail or cannot sort of accomplish these principles, the weight of failure and feeling of guiltiness is so hard that we end up feeling kind of selfish if we see us force to set boundaries.

I’m telling this because I often feel bad with myself when I have to make clear my rights or the way I want to be treat. I’m not sure. Feel like if what I sort of have in the ADN is to take in the situation and forgive. It’s kind of what it’s supposed from a good person, right?
I never thought about that myself. I supposed that you are right
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 09:21 PM
  #37
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
I wonder if one of the reasons why most of Western people struggle so often as to what setting boundaries regards is our Christian cultural background.
I say it with respect for the good part this culture, that is my own one, involves. I do admit that I admire of that idea of loving the others as we love ourselves and all that concept of feeling guilty is needed to be a better person. But, maybe we took it to the extreme and sometimes when we fail or cannot sort of accomplish these principles, the weight of failure and feeling of guiltiness is so hard that we end up feeling kind of selfish if we see us force to set boundaries.

I’m telling this because I often feel bad with myself when I have to make clear my rights or the way I want to be treat. I’m not sure. Feel like if what I sort of have in the ADN is to take in the situation and forgive. It’s kind of what it’s supposed from a good person, right?


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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 12:42 PM
  #38
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I feel the same way myself.
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