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*Beth*
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Default Jan 11, 2020 at 06:59 PM
  #21
The past 8 years of my life have been especially painful and I have isolated more and more until it's almost to the point at which leaving my apartment is difficult. One of the reasons I've become reclusive is because I have a number of friends in my life who contact me when they need help and support. I'm reliable, and they know it.

Then, too, I have never been good at reaching out to ask friends to be supportive. Deep down, I believe that I'm a burden.


How are you with regard to reaching out for help, LilyMop?

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Default Jan 11, 2020 at 08:19 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
The past 8 years of my life have been especially painful and I have isolated more and more until it's almost to the point at which leaving my apartment is difficult. One of the reasons I've become reclusive is because I have a number of friends in my life who contact me when they need help and support. I'm reliable, and they know it.

Then, too, I have never been good at reaching out to ask friends to be supportive. Deep down, I believe that I'm a burden.


How are you with regard to reaching out for help, LilyMop?


I am like you and I very rarely reach out anymore. I talk to people here on PC a little bit but that’s all. I am usually the reliable one and people come to me when they need something. The other day I invited a new friend to a meditation class. I just now saw on Facebook that she is attending a meditation class some where else with other friends tomorrow. I’m wondering why she didn’t invite me. I told her I was really interested in going to more meditation classes. This happens to me a lot. I had a friend for five years that texted me all the time and I invited her to do things with me all the time. Never once in five years did she invite me to anything or include me with her other friends. We had a falling out and I didn’t care to continue the friendship after that. I can’t figure out why my friendships end up like this and I’m pretty close to just giving up.
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Default Jan 12, 2020 at 07:08 PM
  #23
@BethRags and @LilyMop I am sorry to read that you both feel like you give more than get from your friends. One-sided friendships are such a pain to deal with.
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Default Jan 12, 2020 at 08:07 PM
  #24
Thanks, Blanche. I do take some responsibility for the problem...I don't ask for help for fear of annoying people, or of being let down. Then, too, I expect that a friend would be thoughtful enough to occasionally ask (and be sincerely interested in my response).

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Default Jan 12, 2020 at 08:56 PM
  #25
@BethRags, your experience reminds me of two stories that I believe contributed to my need to accommodate others and be codependent, which is why codependents easily form one-sided friendships with manipulative people. It's a pattern formed in childhood by dysfunctional parents to their children. I don't know the root cause for you and LilyMop, but that's the root cause for my codependent, passive behavior with strong personalities. I shut down, and accommodate selfish people due to self-preservation and terror. Isn't that funny?

When I moved to China to teach at a university, two of my students took me up into the hills my first weekend to meet and visit with the 3 Buddhist monks who lived in a temple behind the university amongst some beautiful cliffs.

One of the monks offered me a turn with a popular Chinese game of Fortune Telling sticks. Inside a wooden canister there are 100 wooden sticks inscribed with fortunes on them. The purpose of the game is to shake the canister full of sticks, concentrate on a wish, then tilt the canister to its side to spill 1-3 fortune inscribed sticks. One of my fortunes was "You need to ask more people for help and stop being stubborn." I thought that was very eerie because it was as true then, as it is for me now.

My siblings and I learned early in life before age 10 that to show any vulnerability with either of our parents, resulted in being criticized and shamed. We were not allowed to ask for help, even when something random happened to us, that harmed us, it was -- in my mother's view especially -- our own fault.

Two childhood incidents of this stand out:

1. A boy who walked to school with us, used dirty words to describe lumps on trees as womens breasts. We were all in 3rd grade. He got in trouble at home and then blamed me as the child who taught him those words. My mother got a phone call from the boy's mother who accused me of teaching her son these dirty words. Instead of asking me what happened, my mother instantly blamed me and shamed me for doing such a thing. Later that week, the boy walked with some neighborhood kids, two of whom whose parents were friends with my parents. Later that week my mother received a call from one of those parents, that this boy pulled the same stunt blaming her son for teaching him the same dirty words. Well, this parent knew her son didn't do it, so she called the school principal who confronted the boy and his parents about it, and the boy confessed that he blamed me and this other boy to avoid being punished. Did my mother ever apologize to me for falsely accusing me? Nope. She never did. The boy's mother apologized to me later at a BBQ and that temporarily made me feel better. But I felt betrayed by my parental figure. I felt vulnerable and weak.

2. In 4th grade, my father accepted a new job. Rather than sit my siblings and I down and explain the upcoming transition in order to shield his children from the emotional upheaval of leaving a comfortable environment and friendships behind, my father put the responsibility on my 10-year old shoulders. He offered to ride me to school near his university one morning, on his child bike seat.

My mother was unusually nice to me that morning, doting on me like she never did normally. Within about 10 minutes on the way to my elementary school, my father, without stopping or turning around to acknowledge my feelings, blurted out with his back to me, "Blanche, I got a new job and we're moving in 2 months. You will have to tell your sister (who was 8) and your brother (who was 6)." This stunned me. We rode in silence the rest of the way to my elementary school. I felt the tears on my cheeks. I cried silently to myself. When we arrived at my elementary school, my father acted indifferent as he unbuckled me, lifted me down to the ground, and rode away with his back to me, on his bike, off to his university teaching job. He just left me standing there, outside my elementary school, alone.

I have other examples, but those two stand out still, as pivotal to what contributed I believe, to me developing codependent coping skills. It's also why I developed one-sided friendships most of my life with people much like the friend LilyMop described. I had a one-sided friendship with a woman who texted me all the time, needing emotional support for her supposed life problems but was conveniently never available for me. She often accused me of being fragile and weak (I think, to manipulate me and keep me under control). I eventually ended that toxic connection but it took years for me to do it.
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Default Jan 13, 2020 at 01:35 PM
  #26
@BethRags @StreetcarBlanche

My story is similar to yours. I learned codependent behaviors at a young age in an attempt to make myself lovable and in an attempt to make our house a happy home. The control and people pleasing started early for me. I know this is the reason my friendships are like this. What I can’t figure out it why I know this yet I still fall into the pattern. I’m learning to see what I do early on though and step back. But still, I don’t know why I am not just more careful to begin with.
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Default Jan 13, 2020 at 02:10 PM
  #27
@LilyMop it's programming. Our parents' dysfunctional parental behavior programmed our socialization skills as children. We learned what we know from them as our role models. That's what I think anyway. The pattern of codependency is so difficult to break. I still do it. And I don't like that about myself. At least I'm self-aware of it now whereas I didn't have a name for it in my 20s despite some therapy back then (so, terrible therapists perhaps for not recognizing it). I still have to go back to my Melody Beattie resources for codependency. It's really a lifelong pattern of damaging behavior with relationships. The hardest part for me, is nurturing myself. That's still not something I'm used to doing. I can help everyone else, no problem. But myself? That's the struggle.
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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 05:51 PM
  #28
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Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
They say when you’re having a hard time not to isolate yourself. I feel that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure why. I feel like when I reach out nobody notices me but I’m not sure if that’s just sadness and anxiety skewing my reality.

It’s been one thing after another these past several months. More bad news today... just when I was starting to feel stronger again... I am trying to remain positive.

Sometimes life just kind of beats you down. Most of it is out of my control. Serious issues with the kids, my job. Why is it that friends don’t seem to be around when you need them most? Have I pushed them away? I thought I was there for them when they needed me but as soon as my life started falling apart I felt invisible.

I don’t want to pull away from PC. This place has been a great source of support. Thank you for listening.
I completely understand how you feel because I feel like this myself all the time. You are not alone.
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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 05:54 PM
  #29
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@LilyMop it's programming. Our parents' dysfunctional parental behavior programmed our socialization skills as children. We learned what we know from them as our role models. That's what I think anyway. The pattern of codependency is so difficult to break. I still do it. And I don't like that about myself. At least I'm self-aware of it now whereas I didn't have a name for it in my 20s despite some therapy back then (so, terrible therapists perhaps for not recognizing it). I still have to go back to my Melody Beattie resources for codependency. It's really a lifelong pattern of damaging behavior with relationships. The hardest part for me, is nurturing myself. That's still not something I'm used to doing. I can help everyone else, no problem. But myself? That's the struggle.
That is great advice I wish that I had thought about that myself.
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Heart Jan 16, 2020 at 09:00 PM
  #30
Good luck to all of you!! Thank goodness for PC!! Lots of hugs & love to you!!
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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 04:39 AM
  #31
I think people pleasers are just sensitive to other people's feelings and want to make them feel better. It is a matter of balance. If we spend too much time tuning into other people's feelings and helping others then we can lose touch with ourselves. In this video, Sarah talks about how anxiety is the road to enlightenment. Our anxiety tells us where we need to shift our life. We have anxiety when we are not following our soul's yearning. Hopefully, your meditation will help you get in touch with your true path. If we can find our true path and immerse ourselves in it, I think things in our life will start falling in place. If we lived in the same town, I would love to go to meditation with you. You are one of my favorite social media connections!

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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 10:49 PM
  #32
@TunedOut

I hadn’t thought of anxiety leading me down another path- so long as I tune into what my soul is yearning for. I would love to go to meditation class with you I have found a few guided meditations that seem to be helping me. One of them even says to tune into your heart’s wildest desires and that’s not something I’ve done in a very long time. Thank you. Feeling sad and isolating myself
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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 08:10 PM
  #33
I'm sending hugs, respect, and kind thoughts

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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 04:48 PM
  #34
I isolate myself most of the time. I protect myself. It's weird, because I really love most people. I wish I could be myself, the way I feel inside.
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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 06:09 AM
  #35
When I am thinking of unpleasant things, I have found that listening to Abraham Hicks is helpful. While it is important to acknowledge and process our sadness, it is also important to eventually move on from those feelings. After naming what we are feeling (sad), then find a pleasant distraction. We can slowly learn to move on from sadness. When I have a bad day, usually, after a good night's sleep, I feel better in the morning. Praying that we can all move away from our sadness!
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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 08:11 AM
  #36
I want to add that, because so many people here struggle with sadness and isolation as I sometimes do--I know it is not easy. My struggle lasted at least 8 years and still comes and goes. It is a symptom of unfortunate behaviors/decisions (we need to forgive ourselves and change or perhaps someone treated us badly or we were involved in a trauma that just happened such as a car accident, etc). The situation can be complicated and you may feel stuck. I now recognize that I can only improve my situation when I get myself into a positive mood. Just being positive isn't the only answer--sometimes we need to reach out, fix things, etc. but I can only make improvements when I get in a positive state of mind. It is a work in progress for me.
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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 11:49 AM
  #37
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Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
I want to add that, because so many people here struggle with sadness and isolation as I sometimes do--I know it is not easy. My struggle lasted at least 8 years and still comes and goes. It is a symptom of unfortunate behaviors/decisions (we need to forgive ourselves and change or perhaps someone treated us badly or we were involved in a trauma that just happened such as a car accident, etc). The situation can be complicated and you may feel stuck. I now recognize that I can only improve my situation when I get myself into a positive mood. Just being positive isn't the only answer--sometimes we need to reach out, fix things, etc. but I can only make improvements when I get in a positive state of mind. It is a work in progress for me.
Thanks for sharing that.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 09:28 PM
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Default Jan 27, 2020 at 11:17 AM
  #39
I think there are different kinds of "codepency" traits in individuals that can create problems for them that they don't realize.

My older sister would say SHE was trained to be codependent and she is the oldest child. The problem with her is that she tends to be mean and bossy and she enters a room of people where her presence is TOO CONTROLLING and even negative and unapproachable. My sister's presence NEVER changed from when she was a child where she believed HER WAY had to be THE WAY and people are constantly put off by her. She will say she is compassionate BUT SHE ISN'T. She will say her two younger siblings don't love or care about her, but all she does is COUNT and CONTROL when she is around them. She doesn't KNOW how to be happy FOR her two younger siblings either when they share things they accomplish or have or do. Instead her mentality tends to be resentment for HER not having whatever they have. My sister fails to recognize that she tends to take on some kind of judgement role and she condescends and she can be "fake". Her chant is "poor me, poor me" yet she doesn't realize that no one wants to be around her because of her "attitude". If someone fails to do things or say things HER WAY, she simply ignores them and sits in herself wanting to punish them for somehow offending her. If you suggest something to her that she decides is beneath her? She either ignores or doesn't respond or slowly decides the person is failing to recognize how she is more SUPERIOR than that. Yet, she will lament about "codependancy".

A lot depends on how a person understands codependancy and the role they play that they may not fully understand. My older sister is one I have always had to walk on eggshells around, and my codepency is different from her as she ALWAYS needed to be SUPERIOR. After all she was the oldest child. For myself, certain types of individuals can trigger me, and they typically tend to need to be SUPERIOR. They tend to have an air about them that they don't even know that repel others too.

Sometimes, the role a child is put into can be a lifetime curse they don't even realize.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 27, 2020 at 11:42 AM..
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