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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 04:59 PM
  #21
Thanks @seesaw. I know for myself I’ve been so conditioned by my dysfunctional childhood that my emotional reactions inwardly are practically automatic. Then I have a knee jerk reaction. So I’m trying to learn the art of responding vs reacting, meaning responding with logic and reason to my upset or trigger without reacting outwardly in an upset way. Not sure if that makes sense. I read about this once. That’s where I learned it from.

I guess that‘s called emotional regulation? Not sure.

It’s not easy for me. I know that.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 04:48 AM
  #22
Thank you for sharing Have Hope. Your post is very wise
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 09:30 AM
  #23
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Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
Thank you for sharing Have Hope. Your post is very wise
Thank you, @Thirty shades!

It's really helpful to me, and I hope to others on here, to help me develop greater self-awareness and self-control.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 09:39 AM
  #24
Here's a very simple example of responding vs reacting:

React:
Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything better.

Respond:
Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation.

First response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared? Second, realize that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to a world without it. Third, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on. Fourth, calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.

SO, I am working on taking a deep breaths before I respond with an emotional reaction.

This is a big deal for me. I am trying to undo, or rather rework, years of emotionally reacting. lol. Oh Lordy. But this is GOOD!

I also want to try and notice whenever I am projecting.

I really have my work cut out for me with this thread and these issues. I was almost down about it yesterday because it felt like a huge mountain I must climb.

Then I re-read the list of five things I wrote down that I like about myself, so that I don't feel so negative and down about ALL I have to work on and improve. That list is most helpful. A friend suggested that I create it and read it every day, when I was feeling super depressed last week. What a great idea!

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Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 19, 2020 at 10:04 AM..
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 10:27 AM
  #25
@seesaw, since you had asked about a method of how I would go about doing this, here's a GREAT .excerpt from an article:

The main thing to learn is mindfulness and the pause.

Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how our minds react.

Then pause. We don’t have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, not act, breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it go away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.

Pause.

Watch the reaction go away.

Now consider what the most intelligent, compassionate response might be. What can we do that will help our relationship, teach, build a better team or partnership, make the situation better, calm everyone down, including ourselves?

At first, you might mess up. But in time, you’ll learn to watch this reaction, and you’ll get better at the pause. Don’t fret if you mess up — just resolve to be more mindful when it happens next time. Take note of what happened to trigger your reaction, and pay attention when something like that happens again.

Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response.


Source: Learn to Respond, Not React : zen habits

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 06:46 AM
  #26
I am deeply triggered by a situation at work. They are asking me to flat out lie to a client and pretend I've been on the account longer than I have. This is asking me to compromise my integrity and morals as a professional, and it's very triggering to me. Maybe "trigger" is the wrong word here. Deeply upsetting, is more accurate.

I am going to practice mindfulness like above with this one. I am still really worked up and I FEEL like marching into the CEO son's office and giving him a piece of my mind. But I know that will accomplish the opposite of what I want and maybe they'd even fire me. Yep. So, I have to play it cool, keep my cool, and be matter of fact, while I establish a firm boundary.

This is going to be a challenge. Not looking forward to this conversation I must have. I may put it off for a couple days until I cool down fully.

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 12:00 PM
  #27
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I am deeply triggered by a situation at work. They are asking me to flat out lie to a client and pretend I've been on the account longer than I have. This is asking me to compromise my integrity and morals as a professional, and it's very triggering to me. Maybe "trigger" is the wrong word here. Deeply upsetting, is more accurate.

I am going to practice mindfulness like above with this one. I am still really worked up and I FEEL like marching into the CEO son's office and giving him a piece of my mind. But I know that will accomplish the opposite of what I want and maybe they'd even fire me. Yep. So, I have to play it cool, keep my cool, and be matter of fact, while I establish a firm boundary.

This is going to be a challenge. Not looking forward to this conversation I must have. I may put it off for a couple days until I cool down fully.
Please read what I wrote on your work thread about this. I know it's an infuriating request but I think I made a suggestion about how to handle that can help you.

Your leadership (which sounds all male to me?) sort of sounds a little bit like a bull in a china shop. They mean well, but their solutions aren't always sound. I think if you address the concern the CEO's son has and help find a solution that is ethical and positive then it will make you feel better and show your leadership skills. Try to find out what he is trying to accomplish with that lie, and figure out if there is a way to frame the truth so that you don't have to. I think it's likely he's just trying to save the company's image. And as you have said before, you have ideas about how to do that.

You'll manage it just fine. I have faith in you.

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 12:27 PM
  #28
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Please read what I wrote on your work thread about this. I know it's an infuriating request but I think I made a suggestion about how to handle that can help you.

Your leadership (which sounds all male to me?) sort of sounds a little bit like a bull in a china shop. They mean well, but their solutions aren't always sound. I think if you address the concern the CEO's son has and help find a solution that is ethical and positive then it will make you feel better and show your leadership skills. Try to find out what he is trying to accomplish with that lie, and figure out if there is a way to frame the truth so that you don't have to. I think it's likely he's just trying to save the company's image. And as you have said before, you have ideas about how to do that.

You'll manage it just fine. I have faith in you.
Yes they are exactly like that!! Thanks so much... greatly appreciated!!

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 12:41 PM
  #29
Who is asking you to lie? Sometimes it really is best NOT to lie in that it can contribute to a client saying what they are unhappy about and as a new agent to their account you can be more sympathetic and accomodating rather than having the client think you were handling their account all along and they are not going to be heard yet again.
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 12:49 PM
  #30
The CEO’s son is telling me to lie. Which means it’s coming from the CEO. This place is soooo toxic.

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 12:58 PM
  #31
Well, you don't know that for sure. And you can still respond in a calmer way and explain why you do not want to do that and how you would rather do it in a way where the customer and you can actually develop a better relationship, especially considering this client is new in that he is fresh in just taking over this company your company has worked on.

Because the company is now under new ownership, it's best to talk to this client with "congratulations" and what are YOUR plans and goals that I can help you with in respect to where YOU want to take this company you have taken over.
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 01:57 PM
  #32
There have been some truly wonderful examples on this thread and I have been thrilled reading them. Thank you very much @HaveHope

I'm also speaking for my daughter here regarding triggers because we have shared grief over my parent's deaths from a car accident in the spring of last year.

We are very choosy what we watch on TV, and this is why buying a TV guide with listings is so because we get to avoid certain programmes. And this includes watching BBC News because some topics can be highly triggering despite the television presenter's warning. Okay, granted that we could effortlessly buzz channels on the TV remote, it definitely pays to check the magazine containing programme listings in advance. Progs such as hospital docu-dramas are avoided; anything with cars, even. These could contain triggers causing grief and pain because they directly relate to the awful car accident even I had, all those months ago. For my traffic accident alone I have to see a therapist. They did marvellous things with me.

Also, we avoid TV soaps such as Eastenders which is produced at the BBC Elstree Centre. The long running soap is full of terrible interpersonal relationships, and much of this can trigger unpleasant memories; Eastenders also can be violent. So this is never watched even by my girlfriend and her teenage daughter. Life can be difficult enough, so why tolerate such harsh television acting? This may be okay for others but definitely not for my family and I.

It's a given that social media can be a teenager's nightmare, so though my girlfriend and I have online 'media accounts, we make sure to lock them down private so we ourselves do not become victim to cyberstalkers and narky negative people. Our teenagers also are cyber-wise, thank goodness! Believe me, there are more than enough online bullies and none of us of us welcome this sort of trouble!

To overcome these triggers, my girlfriend and I have a shared reading account both with Amazon Unlimited and another good website, Goodreads along with an interesting site called Mibba, which encourages our teenagers to write stories. One of our shared family passions is reading, the same for our daughters who like to critique the books we read so we can discuss them. Self-improvement, then, can be so easily found in the joy of reading.

As a family of four since my girlfriend and I decided to share our lives together, what we have also found so life enhancing and enriching is sharing a hobby. Some here in PC are already aware that my daughter is well into outdoor activities and is a group leader. This means she leads by example and is physically and emotionally fit to prove her leadership. This is lovely when I see how other teenagers easily relate to her. And, look up to her. Makes me a proud parent.

When not working I like to plan my day. I have a dream which is to build a treehouse. These are already highly popular across the world, so presently I am looking into the design of a treehouse, but more importantly building a small living space out in our garden so that any one of us can go out and chill down with a jolly good book, have a jigsaw on the go, or do some sketching.

I've stopped expecting things from people. You see, expectation can be the root of disappointment. Since letting go inside myself I am finding it easier to forgive a person, but crucially - to move on from them. Though I am highly qualified for the job that I do in being a medical partner, I find being around smarter people can be quite the bonus. I love listening to their anecdotes; they inspire me. I then go home to talk about my smart friends' aspirations with my family, and they enjoy listening to how my day went in the company of these wonderful people I work with. My girlfriend is a painter and has an art gallery, so she gets to share interesting stories, too.

Honestly, true friends are much, much, much more important than money! Please trust me on this one.

In closing, every big picture is nothing more than a combination of small details. Attack everyday with the mindset that you will do one thing better. Just one thing. Wake up ten minutes earlier. Make your bed. Drink one glass of water instead of a can of soda. Just one thing. You aren't going to change your life in a day. But if you change one thing a day.....in the end you’ll get the beautiful picture you desire.

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 06:13 PM
  #33
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Well, you don't know that for sure. And you can still respond in a calmer way and explain why you do not want to do that and how you would rather do it in a way where the customer and you can actually develop a better relationship, especially considering this client is new in that he is fresh in just taking over this company your company has worked on.

Because the company is now under new ownership, it's best to talk to this client with "congratulations" and what are YOUR plans and goals that I can help you with in respect to where YOU want to take this company you have taken over.
Thanks, @Open Eyes!

I am at a point of such disgust and negativity that I cannot problem solve in positive ways right now. I am just thoroughly DISGUSTED. But you offer some positive and helpful solutions, so thank you!

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 06:20 PM
  #34
Dearest @Access Denied, thank you for sharing!!! It's a real privilege to hear about the details of your life like that. Oh, boy... I am trying to learn the art of no expectations of people. It's SO hard for me because I have such HIGH expectations in human behavior in general, that I am frequently disappointed and discouraged.

I like your approach though of one small positive thing a day -- or change, rather. I am working on making many positive changes, that it's overwhelming. But I am diligently working on my self improvement strategies each and every day, and I must admit, I feel proud of myself for committing to this endeavor AND for making some amount of progress with it.

I must remember to hold onto positives too -- I get often bogged down in all the negatives, within myself, and within my life that it colors my perspective. I need to constantly make myself step back and regain a birds eye perspective on my whole life -- and on myself. I am also far too hard on myself, and I know this.

Not really much to do with what you wrote, but I appreciate you sharing as much as you did. I hope it felt good to write down and share on here. I don't want to hog this thread all to myself... I wanted and hoped others would be inspired to share their own self improvement strategies, dreams, and/or triggers they're working on. So thank you!

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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 07:28 AM
  #35
Ok, this morning is one of those days where it's tough to "hold" all that I am carrying inside.

Last night I realized how many different things are upsetting me and dragging me down. I've been aware of it all, but last night it all kind of caved in on me. And I didn't feel like my normal self. Usually, I am a pretty happy person.. not always, but generally I am. And generally I am a very positive-minded person. It's a big challenge right now to feel happy and positive-minded with all that I am carrying and holding inside.

I guess I feel I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I have to BREATHE and LET GO of all that I cannot control. And a lot of things are out of my hands.

And personal growth is HARD. Change is HARD. I have to remember to be proud of myself for working on all my issues. It's easy to get bogged down in the negative.

I really wish I had a therapist to talk to about all these issues. I left a message to the Director to follow up on getting a new one, and no response yet. I am going to have to call again. I really could use a professional's input, encouragement and perspective.

I need to feel encouraged and inspired, and I feel the opposite. I feel terribly alone. I am battling SO much in life, all by myself, between healing my eating disorder, working on losing weight while having the urge to binge eat, managing my emotional reactions and upset, coping with my work issues and trying to resolve my marital issues. I am really down-spirited. I could really use someone to talk to.

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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 11:29 AM
  #36
Actually Hope, others can relate to what you have shared here. No one says you need to hold on to all these challenging emotions. Truth is, by our very nature we are designed to cry out our emotions when we feel a need to do so. Some people create songs, some amazing works of art, others write amazing novels. Our emotions can inspire many things that can become "positives" and even a way to connect us to others. Human beings are emotional beings and our emotions are what connect us together to others and so many things around us. We do not just see a beautiful sunset, we FEEL it, we don't just see the wind moving the leaves on the trees either, we FEEL it. We learn danger from FEELING it too. It's just how we are designed to be by nature itself. Feeling lonely is something many can relate to feeling too. So, in essence Hope, we are not really alone in experiencing the feeling of being alone. There is nothing wrong with reaching out when experiencing a lot of emotions for help to sort through them.
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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 01:15 PM
  #37
I'm so sorry, dear Have Hope.

It really does seem like there is too much to solve! You're not superhuman. I'd definitely try to narrow things down.

Just as an example, you might feel more secure if you decide to stay in your relationship for now. And the eating disorder... That (sadly) isn't going to go away overnight.

It's the same for 'dieting', too, imo.

You don't need to worry about any of those things right now. You can let them go.

Possibly, this is what your therapist will say; start small.

Big hugs.
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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 06:39 PM
  #38
Thank you, @Open Eyes and thank you as well, @Purple,Violet,Blue!

@Purple,Violet,Blue you're right. I bit off more than I can chew. I am managing far too much. I failed to mention that I have a back injury too that I need treatment for twice per week with a chiropractor. I fell in the shower and injured my back.

Yes, I need to think in terms of smaller chunks. As a therapist once told me, "follow the cow grazing principle". Cows can only eat one patch at a time. So I must do this one thing at a time.

Thank you.

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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 07:00 PM
  #39
Yes, let's make like cows

Moo. Chew. Poo.

A simple life

I like that!

Oh no. Back problems are a nightmare. Be good to yourself, dear friend.
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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 07:10 PM
  #40
''follow the cow grazing principle'' - I like it. Safe hugs

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