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Question Jan 18, 2020 at 07:28 PM
  #1
Please post in this thread with your thoughts re healthy boundaries. Thanks to all

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 07:49 PM
  #2
Good question.

It depends where you mean...

I'm not too bad with irl friends. I'm pretty much the same as I am here on the forum.

But in the workplace, my boundaries often turn to jelly. I feel trapped there, and react strongly to hostility or criticism from bosses (but not colleagues, fortunately). It's a violent father thing.

So, I suppose I define healthy boundaries as being able to make yourself feel safe.
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 08:00 PM
  #3
Only tell your personal business to a trusted friend. Must be careful who you inform your personal business too.
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 08:01 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue View Post
Good question.

It depends where you mean...

I'm not too bad with irl friends. I'm pretty much the same as I am here on the forum.

But in the workplace, my boundaries often turn to jelly. I feel trapped there, and react strongly to hostility or criticism from bosses (but not colleagues, fortunately). It's a violent father thing.

So, I suppose I define healthy boundaries as being able to make yourself feel safe.
Thank you for sharing dear Purple, good post.

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 08:02 PM
  #5
Good thread, Fuzzy!
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 08:24 PM
  #6
What are healthy boundaries?

1. Saying no without guilt
2. Asking for what you want and need
3. Taking care of yourself
4. Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others
5. Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
6. Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements
7. Pursuing your own goals
8. Taking responsibility for your own happiness
9. Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
10. Being in tune with your own feelings
11. Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 11:10 PM
  #7
I would say it differs from situation to situation. I don't think there are hard and fast rules: but self-respect is a big one.

Respecting yourself enough (meaning as it pertains to your physical health, mental health, social health, or any other area of your life) is the key for me.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 04:42 AM
  #8
Healthy boundaries are essential to wellbeing.

I thought that I struggled to set them. Later I realised that I had set some boundaries but I had a tendency to accept people into my life who did not respect them.

I guess we all have our own triggers that people need to understand and respect but many boundaries are universal and are just human kindness and respect for all.

I think I have room for improvement.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 08:33 AM
  #9
For me, I think it boils down to good communication skills. My intuition is good. I tend to know what is the right thing for me at the time. It’s like the words to that song: Say what you need to say. Healthy Boundaries?  Please define?
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 12:25 AM
  #10
I have a question about boundaries that I can’t find Info on. I’m curious, if someone has a boundary, a limit for acceptance of something but it conflicts with someone else’s boundary how is that worked out, or is it?

For example say someone doesn’t want a partner who looks at porn, it just doesn’t work for her. Then she unintentionally find out her SO uses it a lot. He knows it doesn’t work for her in a relationship and so because of that fact he’s always hidden it and lied about what he’s doing. He tells her he has stopped but obviously she has no way to verify that or to know if her boundary is still being broken or not or if he’s still hiding it and lieing. She can’t know whether the relationship is what she wants or not.
So his boundary is that he wants total privacy, so if she looks to see if her boundaries are being violated she is then violating his boundaries. Is this what would be an irreconcilable difference or what can be done in a situation like that.?
It’s usually easy to know if your boundaries are being violated becuase it’s visible. But what about those such as cheating, going places or with someone or doing something that can be hidden from you? Or is the boundary really that of being dealt with honestly so the minute someone does that they are breaking the boundary because without it then there is no way of knowing if the other things are happening?
I’m new to this boundary thing and am confused!
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 01:07 AM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gfofaddict View Post
I have a question about boundaries that I can’t find Info on. I’m curious, if someone has a boundary, a limit for acceptance of something but it conflicts with someone else’s boundary how is that worked out, or is it?

For example say someone doesn’t want a partner who looks at porn, it just doesn’t work for her. Then she unintentionally find out her SO uses it a lot. He knows it doesn’t work for her in a relationship and so because of that fact he’s always hidden it and lied about what he’s doing. He tells her he has stopped but obviously she has no way to verify that or to know if her boundary is still being broken or not or if he’s still hiding it and lieing. She can’t know whether the relationship is what she wants or not.
So his boundary is that he wants total privacy, so if she looks to see if her boundaries are being violated she is then violating his boundaries. Is this what would be an irreconcilable difference or what can be done in a situation like that.?
It’s usually easy to know if your boundaries are being violated becuase it’s visible. But what about those such as cheating, going places or with someone or doing something that can be hidden from you? Or is the boundary really that of being dealt with honestly so the minute someone does that they are breaking the boundary because without it then there is no way of knowing if the other things are happening?
I’m new to this boundary thing and am confused!
Sounds like irreconcilable differences to me.

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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 04:11 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gfofaddict View Post
I have a question about boundaries that I can’t find Info on. I’m curious, if someone has a boundary, a limit for acceptance of something but it conflicts with someone else’s boundary how is that worked out, or is it?

For example say someone doesn’t want a partner who looks at porn, it just doesn’t work for her. Then she unintentionally find out her SO uses it a lot. He knows it doesn’t work for her in a relationship and so because of that fact he’s always hidden it and lied about what he’s doing. He tells her he has stopped but obviously she has no way to verify that or to know if her boundary is still being broken or not or if he’s still hiding it and lieing. She can’t know whether the relationship is what she wants or not.
So his boundary is that he wants total privacy, so if she looks to see if her boundaries are being violated she is then violating his boundaries. Is this what would be an irreconcilable difference or what can be done in a situation like that.?
It’s usually easy to know if your boundaries are being violated becuase it’s visible. But what about those such as cheating, going places or with someone or doing something that can be hidden from you? Or is the boundary really that of being dealt with honestly so the minute someone does that they are breaking the boundary because without it then there is no way of knowing if the other things are happening?
I’m new to this boundary thing and am confused!
If the boundary is one cannot have a partner who looks at porn, cheats, etc... and that partner conceals what they are doing rather than complying with their partner’s boundary, then that boundary is being crossed and violated, not observed. The fact he is concealing means he is not respecting the boundary, one can safely assume.

So, then you can either loosen your boundary, letting them plow right over it, and accept their behavior or make firmer demands, or end the relationship when that boundary is truly a deal breaker.

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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 06:24 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
If the boundary is one cannot have a partner who looks at porn, cheats, etc... and that partner conceals what they are doing rather than complying with their partner’s boundary, then that boundary is being crossed and violated, not observed. The fact he is concealing means he is not respecting the boundary, one can safely assume.

So, then you can either loosen your boundary, letting them plow right over it, and accept their behavior or make firmer demands, or end the relationship when that boundary is truly a deal breaker.
But that’s the problem, you don’t know it’s being concealed unless you violate his boundary first by checking his activities. That’s the problem I’m referring to!
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 11:26 AM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Thirty shades View Post
Healthy boundaries are essential to wellbeing.

I thought that I struggled to set them. Later I realised that I had set some boundaries but I had a tendency to accept people into my life who did not respect them.

I guess we all have our own triggers that people need to understand and respect but many boundaries are universal and are just human kindness and respect for all.

I think I have room for improvement.

Hugs and respect to all
I also think that many boundaries are universal and are about human kindness and respect for others. Much respect to you dear Thirty shades

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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 11:46 PM
  #15
For me boundaries are respecting my personal space. Leaving me alone If I tell you to. I don’t have to be your friend. Don’t keep pushing a conversation when I am clearly uncomfortable with it. No means no. Jump scares are not funny. Don’t touch me at all. I am very creeped out when you mirror my appearance, my values, my views, my likes, my Facebook posts, etc, and not flattered that you want to be like me. My time off work is my time. My job is not an on call type job.

And respecting other people’s boundaries the way I want mine respected.

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Default Feb 02, 2020 at 05:49 PM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
What are healthy boundaries?

1. Saying no without guilt
2. Asking for what you want and need
3. Taking care of yourself
4. Doing things out of interest/desire, not out of obligation or to please others
5. Behaving according to your own values and beliefs
6. Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements
7. Pursuing your own goals
8. Taking responsibility for your own happiness
9. Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness
10. Being in tune with your own feelings
11. Knowing who you are, what you believe, what you like
Good post

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Default Feb 02, 2020 at 06:17 PM
  #17
When people respect you, they have no problems respecting your boundaries.

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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 12:58 PM
  #18
Thank you to all those who are respectful of other people's boundaries who have replied

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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 06:04 PM
  #19
Interesting thread!
It’s not needed to repeat what it has been already said about respect, safety that I strongly agree with.
I would like to add a different point of view.

Healthy boundaries are something human being begins to develop from early childhood when we begin to understand that we are separate entities from our procreators. I mean it’s a totally social construct from my viewpoint.
There it is the focus of the problem. If you are not allowed to learn it, you will lack of it or at least, you will struggle with it.

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Default Feb 03, 2020 at 08:04 PM
  #20
Self- respect as you respect others. Simple but true.

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