Overwhelming Symptoms

Two roads diverge in a wood, and I, I took--

The one that I don't even know how the hell I got on but I'm here and can't handle it.

I'm woshing for release. I'm craving substance. Really, I'm craving anything that might make me numb because I can't keep handling feeling like this. Coping is all I do and it doesn't manage to matter because "there's always a bigger fish" just coming in to destroy any progress I make. I was doing good, until I wasn't- just like any other time I've made progress.

For the sake of offering insight, I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD, Bipolar w/psychosis, DID, GAD and have OCD traits. A couple of these change up a little but it's all basically the same with each new doctor. At the present moment, I can't quit the obsessions involving more heinous acts (suicidal, homical and self-harm) that might just be an outreach for some kind of control over something. At present, my PTSD is in glorious full swing, might knock it out of the stadium with this round. Hallucinations have told me that I want to die, and they still haven't stopped. Ultimately, I feel so ****ing low. So low I almost wish this all could end. Hell, I do wish for it, but I can't think of that final decision. I can't allow myself, I'll spiral further. Panicking has been the most obvious symptom of my morning thus far and I hate that it has been.

Normally I can cover it up, hide it away or something but this wasn't a time like that. My gf left this morning with frozen anxiety and stress written all over her face. I hate that I do this to her. I've been told I shouldn't blame myself by her and multiple other people, but shouldn't I? I should have this **** locked down and treated. I should have my **** together, that'd be a start considering I'm only making life harder on everyone else. No one should be picking up my slack, that's my weight no one should have to carry. So why are they? I can't figure that out. I know so many coping techniques, SO MANY. And they aren't always working, they just don't hold up to my symptoms some days, others I manage. I need some serious ****ing help. Coping can't contain the nightmares I see in my sleep and when I'm completely awake.

At this point I'm rambling and ranting. I'll leave it here. Thanks for reading if you made it through this trainwreck.

Your Loved Ones are right, @MtnTime2896 - it is NOT your fault any of this is happening. I certainly understand why things are being so hard for you and why you are feeling like this, but please remember that. Remember that they are still there for you, and that they are there for you because they want to help you. They Love You. And you deserve to be Loved. please try not to be too hard on yourself, yes? Treat yourself with more kindness, yes? You deserve it. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @MtnTime2896, your Family, your Friends, your Girlfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

You cannot control your symptoms, MtnTime. None of us can. You are dealing with some serious illnesses. It is not your fault that you have all this on your plate. It is just what some of us are contending with, myself included.

I have tons of skills also, but I am still psychotic and manic all the freaking time. All the time. I do the best I can. There is no time-frame for this stuff. It happens when it happens. Stop judging yourself. Stope shoulding yourself. You are dealing with some major incurable brain diseases every single day with courage and dignity. You are a hero.

I find it helpful to make plans, yes, but when I am unable to fulfill some of them, I am very careful not to judge myself. I do what I can. Sometimes it's a fair bit, sometimes, it is just trying to deal with voices and mania by not having to go back to the hospital.

Hang in there!! You are doing the best that you can!! We support you!!