Avoidance

I’ve been thinking about something that has never made sense to me.

I never could understand why people shun you if you’re going though a hardship such as an illness, death of a loved one or a family estrangement issue. I’ve been told it’s because people are afraid of those things happening to them so they avoid you. That never made sense to me.

Today I wondered if it’s just like when people avoid you if things are going really well in your life also? Sometimes people will avoid you if you get a job promotion or some other good thing.

Sometimes it makes people feel bad to be around others who are doing exceptionally well if they happen to be struggling at the time. So it’s the same kind of thing if they avoid you when you are struggling because they just don’t want your struggles to occur in their lives in any way?

So whether we have great things going on in life or terrible things going on in life we can find ourselves feeling isolated or shunned?

Hi LilyMop,

Human behavior really mystifies me although as a nonprofessional, I try to keep up with psychological theories and such.

I remember reading something about what you are talking about many years ago in a psychology book but my memory is not so good any more so I don't remember what the author said.

Not sure what current theorists offer as explanations for motivation in why shunning occurs. Hope you get lots of responses to your post though and that some prove helpful. .

You show great insight in my opinion and I think your question is very profound!

Hey @LilyMop I was wondering about something similar last week and have this theory that in reality, misery does not care for company. Depressed people know they can be a downer and feel guilty about it. They feel like a helpless loser and sense that no one wants to be around a loser, so they distance themselves until such time as they become happier. Oftentimes though, they won't have to distance themselves as their "friends" or family members do it for them.

Also, I think if you have someone close to you that is depressed and pushing you away, you should let them know you are there to listen (but not judge) and help support them in any way you feel most able. You shouldn't try to make them "feel better" (because you probably can't). You should call them to ask how they are doing but don't push them to talk if they don't want to. You can invite them to hang out (but not with too many other people, especially strangers) but don't be hurt or insulted if they refuse. If you are concerned they will harm themselves, you may need to talk to their parents, siblings, therapist, etc., if possible. Well, that is my take on it, unsure if that can be of any help.

There again, but forgive my ruminating, but being depressed sucks for everyone…the depressed person and the people around them. Just because a depressed person pushes you away doesn't necessarily mean they don't love and care for you or value your friendship and desire to help. They just loathe themselves and don't want to be a burden on you or anyone else. They are ill and need compassion not platitudes, tough love or exasperated comments.

Personally speaking, at the end of my working day (ie. a 12 hour shift that often stretches out mind-numbingly longer), people will have become a huge drain on my mental resources. Having to hold in what I want to say and feel to avoid hurting others can be, but generally is, exhausting. Often people don't understand and can get alarmed and distressed by things I say, or they try and 'cheer me up' which is painful and often inappropriate. Sometimes it's just easier not to be around them.

Most of the time I am aware that these are the illness disrupting my thinking, but I can't do anything about it any more than someone who knows they can't walk because their leg is broken can miraculously walk on it just because they recognize it's broken. That doesn't stop me feeling bad, guilty and weak, the kind of person no one should like... and then I just feel like I've had absolutely enough because of feeling stressed out, and then I find myself questioning why I do my job at all. Perhaps I should resign from the medical profession. Because it's just becoming far too stressful, so much so that I don't want to be treating people.

@Access Denied

Yes that is one way of looking at it. Maybe the person going through the hardship is the one pushing people away versus the other way around. I find it’s hard to know when someone is truly pushing me away versus just going through a hard time. I spent months reaching out to a friend recently and finally gave up. She rejected all of my efforts to reach out to her so I finally concluded she was rejecting me. Human behavior certainly is complex and confusing. I’m sorry you’re experiencing burn out with your job. I definitely understand why, at the end of the day, you aren’t too excited to talk to people anymore.

I hear you @LilyMop and thank you for your insightful comments.

So this may not come as a surprise to you that today I came close to resigning my medical career. Instead, my Chief offered me to go on sabbatical instead of sickleave, for burning out after being dreadfully overwhelmed.

I accepted his offer. but retain my job as a GP. Only where I go after my sabbatical is only for me to decide, though the decision will be based on my family because they come first above everything. My intention is focusing on growing the bond with my family. They already are close to me, for our love for each other is primarily love, caring and empathy; but to anyone else apart from my Chief and the young people I work among in London, here I remain cold-hearted and not the slightest bit repentant.

Given time I hope you find what you are searching for and overcome being so cruelly shunned. I'm no stranger to broken relationships, but it remains in our power to prove our doubters wrong.

I think it’s a matter of selfish self preservation. Most people don’t want to enmesh themselves in someone’s difficulties or problems. It’s a drag and brings people down. So they protect themselves. And if someone has great news, it can make another person feel they’re not in the best place in their own lives, they make comparisons so it’s hard to hear. Again self preservation. Many people cannot step outside themselves to truly help another or be happy for someone when things are going great. This is especially true of people who are depressed or unhappy, and many people suffer depression and dissatisfaction in their lives.

Many insightful posts here, @LilyMop! I do agree that it may be due to self-preservation - in both cases, they don't want other people to bring their mood down. If you feel bad, they may feel bad too. If you feel good, they may feel bad by comparison. It's hard! I think it's best to avoid the kind of people who do this too much and perhaps avoid sharing too much information to this kind of people. That is just my opinion, though. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @LilyMop, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

That is so true because sometimes in life people only care about themselves therefore they will avoid others.

Honestly, I avoid people a lot. Sometimes I feel that people are too negative or sarcastic about the things that goes on in their lives. I learned to be alone without feeling like I need to be around people all the time. Though I socialize with people, but I keep a boundary.

On the other hand, avoidance prevents one from getting into drama or trouble.

I don't know if this kind of situation is considered "avoidance"? Sometimes I will talk to my friend telling him that I feel depressed or about a conflict I had with someone and he thinks that I was wrong. When we have that conversation, he would just hang up on me. He doesn't want to hear anymore.

Another case of what I feel is "avoidance", and that's done on my part. There's one guy at work who brags quite a bit. It seems like his life is perfect. He tells me how wonderful his wife and kids are and how it's unfortunate not to have that. I've never been married, so that's not what I want to hear. And with health, he never has to worry. He's older than I am. There are times I want to avoid him because I get tired of it. Yet I can take other people telling me how bad their lives are much easier.

Wow so many insightful comments on this! I really appreciate it! It seems that self preservation is the driver in these situations. It makes perfect sense. I hadn’t thought of it this way. I appreciate the discussion about this because it helps me put things into a better perspective. Instead of feeling upset about this behavior, I would rather just understand it.