Shame

Yiaaaou · Feb 17, 2020 at 01:21 PM

My husband was the treasurer for an organization and when we needed money he borrowed from the fund. I found out and didn’t stop him because I didn’t see any other way to get the money we needed. The money was used to buy a smaller more affordable house and as soon as our current home sold the full amount was put back in the account. The issue is the shame and depression I feel for our actions. I’ve always acted in truthful authentic ways and this feels so out of character and not how I view myself. I guess I’m looking for forgiveness for my actions and to find a way to move on without obsessing about my actions and these debilitating shameful feelings.

11:46 PM

it's hard for some to feel forgiveness because you stole cash from the organization. you removed it without permission. he took it and then you approved it. how long was the cash gone before it was payment was made? does the organization know? I would think that true forgiveness would not or could not begin until true honesty begins.

it is good you acknowledge your wrongdoings. here in an anonymous forum, does the organization know? I would think that whatever level of trust they had in you would be pretty diminished. hope that they do not file criminal charges on you.

I guess I’m looking for forgiveness for my actions and to find a way to move on without obsessing about my actions and these debilitating shameful feelings.

you and your husband have some deep thinking to do regarding your actions. seriously.

possum220 · Feb 17, 2020 at 05:08 PM

Sometimes we need to apologise for our actions to help us feel better. You mention that your husband was the treasurer? How would he feel about fessing up? Do you think that the organisation is likely to press charges or not?
Tis a sticky situation.
Most of all the thing is now to not continue to do it so that you can be at peace with the world.

Skeezyks · Feb 17, 2020 at 07:50 PM

Hello Yiaaaou: Thank you for bringing your concern here on PC.

I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

The Coping with Emotions forum, here on PC, may be one to take a look at. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

And then here's a link to a listing of articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of guilt & shame that (hopefully) may be of help along with links to 2 additional articles not in the listing:

Coping with Guilt | Psych Central

Stop Beating Yourself Up: 8 Tips to Overcoming Remorse

How Do You Forgive Yourself?

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

*Beth* · Feb 17, 2020 at 09:26 PM

People have done much worse things. You did return the money. Hopefully you've learned that the stress probably wasn't worth the action. I say let it go and forgive yourself. Move on.

sarahsweets · Feb 18, 2020 at 04:42 AM

The only way to heal shame is to make amends and be honest. It doesnt matter that the money was paid back, it is still technically theft.

Yiaaaou · Feb 18, 2020 at 10:03 AM

Yes the new treasurer knows and we have apologized. It was actually a partnership in a vacation home. The money (full amount) was paid back about 4 months after it was removed. Yes, I know it was theft and that we could be reported to authorities. The new treasurer has said she doesn’t plan to do that. I don’t know what else to do. We have since sold our share in the vacation home. We also live across the country. The problem is the ongoing feelings of guilt, shame, depression and coping with these feelings.

bpcyclist · Feb 18, 2020 at 01:19 PM

You made a poor decision. People go to prison all the time for this kind of thing, so you two are quite fortunate. That said, we all do dumb things. Learn from it and move on.

Fuzzybear · Feb 18, 2020 at 02:56 PM

Shame really sucks

especially if we are ''innocent''

ETA I didn't read the full thread, I am sorry.

If you have made a serious mistake, I agree with the above, learn from it. and hopefully ''do better in the future''... I send best wishes.

respect to you

Feb 18, 2020 at 06:54 PM

a vacation home. really.

may the other party never change their mind.

I wish you good sleep, I wish you better decisions, and I do hope that others show you compassion in a way that you didn't exhibit in the past.

possum220 · Feb 18, 2020 at 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yiaaaou

Yes the new treasurer knows and we have apologized. It was actually a partnership in a vacation home. The money (full amount) was paid back about 4 months after it was removed. Yes, I know it was theft and that we could be reported to authorities. The new treasurer has said she doesn’t plan to do that. I don’t know what else to do. We have since sold our share in the vacation home. We also live across the country. The problem is the ongoing feelings of guilt, shame, depression and coping with these feelings.

Then time to let it go. You fessed up and no action was taken. You were pardoned. Time to pardon yourself.

*Beth* · Feb 19, 2020 at 11:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by possum220

Then time to let it go. You fessed up and no action was taken. You were pardoned. Time to pardon yourself.

I agree.

Buffy01 · Mar 03, 2020 at 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yiaaaou

My husband was the treasurer for an organization and when we needed money he borrowed from the fund. I found out and didn’t stop him because I didn’t see any other way to get the money we needed. The money was used to buy a smaller more affordable house and as soon as our current home sold the full amount was put back in the account. The issue is the shame and depression I feel for our actions. I’ve always acted in truthful authentic ways and this feels so out of character and not how I view myself. I guess I’m looking for forgiveness for my actions and to find a way to move on without obsessing about my actions and these debilitating shameful feelings.

Did you repay it back?

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Shame

My Support Forums

possum220 Legendary Member Since Jan 2009 Location: Uppa Gumtree West Posts: 19,397 (SuperPoster!) 15 7,983 hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 05:08 PM #3 Sometimes we need to apologise for our actions to help us feel better. You mention that your husband was the treasurer? How would he feel about fessing up? Do you think that the organisation is likely to press charges or not? Tis a sticky situation. Most of all the thing is now to not continue to do it so that you can be at peace with the world.
	Reply With Quote

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 09:26 PM #5 People have done much worse things. You did return the money. Hopefully you've learned that the stress probably wasn't worth the action. I say let it go and forgive yourself. Move on. __________________
	Reply With Quote

sarahsweets Threadtastic Postaholic Member Since Dec 2018 Location: New Jersey Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!) 5 192 hugs given	Feb 18, 2020 at 04:42 AM #6 The only way to heal shame is to make amends and be honest. It doesnt matter that the money was paid back, it is still technically theft. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society.
	Reply With Quote

bpcyclist Legendary Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Portland Posts: 12,681 (SuperPoster!) 4 40.2k hugs given	Feb 18, 2020 at 01:19 PM #8 You made a poor decision. People go to prison all the time for this kind of thing, so you two are quite fortunate. That said, we all do dumb things. Learn from it and move on. __________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield
	Reply With Quote

Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,326 (SuperPoster!) 21 81.2k hugs given	Feb 18, 2020 at 02:56 PM #9 Shame really sucks especially if we are ''innocent'' ETA I didn't read the full thread, I am sorry. If you have made a serious mistake, I agree with the above, learn from it. and hopefully ''do better in the future''... I send best wishes. respect to you __________________
	Reply With Quote

Anonymous45634 Guest Posts: n/a	Feb 18, 2020 at 06:54 PM #10 a vacation home. really. may the other party never change their mind. I wish you good sleep, I wish you better decisions, and I do hope that others show you compassion in a way that you didn't exhibit in the past.
	Reply With Quote