Harsh comments

I don’t know where to put this. I chose this forum because what I’m gonna say leads me to feel sadness and frustration.

Secondly, I know physics is not the most relevant part but this issue is important for me. It makes me feel sad and frustrated. Not how I look like, I’m get used to, it’s more about the comments. What I am said. It makes me feel as weird and very low.

I’m physically ugly. I have an average body but my face is ugly. More than ugly, I have a weird face, especially my profile. I don’t see anything suits my face: Sunglasses, hairstyle, hat or cap...whatever. My hair is curly and is dry. I try to do the best but I’m not very skilful grooming it either.
I have been putting up all my life with comments by my close people such as: Oh, what hairstyle! Why you don’t comb you out. Why you never comb you out? (This last was on my niece’s part. She’s a little 6-y-o lovely kid. So, she’s spontaneous and she’s not still aware whether a comment could be harsh or blunt), others ask me for going to the hairdresser’s to have a new hair style made.

I think ok, you are all right, but, no matter what hairstyle I might have, it won’t be better. This is how I am. What the bleep can I do? I can’t change my facial traits. what happen to people? what do they want from me? Why I have to be recalled my physical faults. I can’t do many to better it and I make efforts I swear.

It’s so frustrating.

I really related to what you wrote, AzulOscuro, and I am so sorry you are having this negative self-talk. But noone is ugly. We are all God's children, or whatever you happen to believe about where we came from. We are all unique and special. I have never personally felt I was a handsome man, never. The women I have been with have persistently tried to convince me that they have felt that I am and strangely, several of them have been quite lovely on the outside (perhaps not so much so on the inside--oops). I have never, ever understood their attraction to me. I think it is weird, quite frankly.

So, my point to you is that other people do not always or even usually experience us the way we experience ourselves. There is no telling what people were trying to communicate with those comments and I would recommend to you that you immediately stop trying to figure them out. Do what you want to with your hair. Cut it all off. Gro0w it out. Dye it lavender. Be you, whoever and whatever that is. After what I have been through, I don't give a sh** what other people think of me anymore. I am living for me and for the few people who care about me, like all of you.

The other thing I would bring up is this thing about body dysmorphic disorder. It is always something to consider when someone is being particularly harsh about their own outward appearance, as you kind of are. You might read about it and see if you think it could fit for you. I saw a lot of patients with BDD when I was in practice who aked me to do all kinds of drastic things to and for them and most of them had no idea they had it.

Sending you support. Please stop telling yourelf you are ugly. I hate that word and it is not true. You are beautiful and wonderful, just the way you are.

@bpcyclist

Your feelings about your looks are overshadowing the issue of your hair. When people are suggesting you have it cut at the salon, they are implying it will look better and more’normal’. This doesn’t mean they think you are ugly. It means they only think you hair looks unusual and not attractive.

My son got comments all the time from people suggesting he cut his hair. It was different, lopsided and bushy. But he liked it and wouldn’t listen to them until he got a corporate job. Then he conformed with his haircut. But he wasn’t ugly. He’s very handsome. Just his hair disturbed people as it was different and they didn’t like it.

If you think cutting your hair won’t help because you are ugly anyway. That is self defeating thinking. If I were you I’d improve my hair. If a six year old tells you, they are honest.

There are plenty of people who don’t have attractive features and are thought of as really sexy. Insert most rock star’s names here!

Whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself.

You could go to a hair salon, and they could give you some ideas/tips on what style would be good for you. I doubt you are ugly.

I thought I have overcame these insecurities. The last thing I need is a comment to recall myself how I see myself.
I always had a lot of physical complexes, indeed, when I began Secondary Education, I was so skinny...I wanted to lose weight, and people even thought I was developing anorexia nervous.
I didn’t like neither my physics nor my social skills. So, It became an obsession to change my body through exercise and eating very little. I needed to compensate socially awkwardness and my pathological shyness. Here, people are so fun and cool, and friendly.
Then, I developed Agoraphobia. 7 years I didn’t dare to go out of my house.

I’m objective when I say that, maybe I shouldn’t have to use the word ugly, but I’m sincere when I say my face is weird. And my hair is hard to cope with it. So, most of the comments I receive even from my own partner are negative. They think that if I go to the hairdresser’s to have a haircut is gonna be a solution but my face is my face and I can’t change it.

I was accepting it. That’s why I feel so frustrating. I don’t need to be pointed out something I can’t change.

On another side, I don’t use to point anyone about his or her way to dress, his face, etc. I only see the person as a whole. And I’m fine with it.

Before all this, when I was younger, when I used to go to visit my grandmother, the first words out of her mouth was, Oh, Azul, these hairs.
I felt as if I have been done something bad, only because I have the hairs I was born with.
Noone, neither my dad or my mum told me ever that I was pretty. Only when I was already an adult they did it.

Btw, Thanks all of you for your replays.

P.S. I don’t want to be perfect. Only a little close to normal. Don’t call the attention for any negative, either.

I understand how you feel. People have said horrible things to me about my physical appearance. It start with my three best friends who I no longer had contact with since grade school.

How do you react when people make comments about your appearance? I am wondering how you respond and in turn how they respond to this.

I see. When you already have a complex, and your best friend stressed on it, when telling the opinion of her friends about you. It’s normal you get triggered. It was one of the worst day in my life.

I understand what a constructive criticism is and welcome them if you can do something to fix it up and it will likely means the person cares but what’s the point when you can’t do anything about it. Then, there are ways and ways to say something. Finally it’s the superficiality that it all implies in many occasions. I consider myself quite socially inept to have to cope also with stupidities.

It’s always an inner suffering and sadness. The difference is that in the past I suffered it in silence now I respond. Normally, if I consider that it’s something superficial and much more when I can’t do anything to change it, I wonder, why this person cares about this that it’s not so important. And I communicate it.
The person usually low the tone of his words and give me an explanation. Many times this explanation is not valid, it’s only an opinion. But, still I feel worried and concern. Although I try to hide these feelings and express my own opinion and choice.

If it’s a kid, it happened to me sometimes when I was teaching in schools, It also hurts but I give them more the benefit of the doubt.
Most of the times kids say what they think but they say it as it pops into their minds and you have to read behind their message because sometimes what it seems a rude comment is only an opinion again, or a constructive criticism expressed with the wrong words. So, I try to ask and see what they really mean.

I’m a person who don’t care about how a person is dressed or how if the person has more or less messy hair. I see the person in total. So, maybe on one side, because of my complexes and on another side, because I tend to see people this way, some attitudes are hard for me to get.

My grandma usually expressed each time I went to visit her, the first thing she expressed when I was still at the front door was how messy I have my hair.
I know I’m very sensitive but wow, it was every time, the first I hear.
For me it was a torture going to the clothes shop and seeing me on the mirror while I had to try any clothes. So, yes I’m sensitive toward this topic, I barely liked anything in my body but as I said before I already consider myself lack of social abilities so the other is like pouring accelerant on the fire.

Hope I didn’t make many mistakes in English in my long replies.

I think it's good you respond - suffering in silence is not healthy for yourself, good for you tackling the subject.

It sounds sensible that you further discuss with the children, yes they can 'say it like it is' I agree but when you discuss you are opening a dialogue and hopefully they will come to learn not to say hurtful things about appearances.

I am sorry your grandma said such things. You write in the past tense, I wonder if that means this no longer happens, sorry I realise you may no longer have your grandma. We need to feel accepted by our families, however we look, this criticism must have been hard to live with.

I think it's good you are recognising that people say these things because it is their behaviour and values and that it does not reflect you- you sound like you have a good sense of self identity and what is important to you Good for you!

The worse has been harsh comments about my personality or my way. But, when being a kid and then an adolescent, comments about my physical appearances were equally hurting.

When being a grown adult, I came back home crying because I went to be with my grandma to the hospital.
In front of another relative who expressed how good granddaughter I was, my grandma doesn’t lose her opportunity to say that even though, my brother was the apple of her eye.
I stayed there until my mother came and I went home trying to hold my tears back. Does it mean I didn’t meant anything for her? No, of course but again, I’m a sensitive person and I already had that feeling and complex about my place in the family.

It could have been worse. I was never abuse physically and only a little verbally but I felt as if I couldn’t be me because this isn’t what others expected from me but I end up being exactly me. I can’t be any other thing.

Thanks for your supportive words and thanks the other users’ words. I took into account each reply. And I’m considering, @bpcyclist, the thing about body dysmorphia. It seems it fits quite a bit to me, even in the perfectionism social anxiety and depression as possible background.

The social anxiety issue that u are experiencing has to do with your physical appearance, and obviously this social anxiety started with u since u were a kid, and as I read from your thread it got worst when u reached the secondary school phase, within u suffered from agoraphobia for the next 7 years,
And what made the situation worst with you is the comments! Repetitive comments from PPL in your environment! Family, friends...even from innocent kids! Kids they say the truth basing on their spontaneous background, they don't know that could hurt some body's feelings,
mentally u are already fragile and allergic and susceptible to the least spark when it has to do with telling u random words related to your physical aspect, then u found urself forced to endure living such embarrassing and better to say frustrating moments!
I bet you even didn't believe all people who told u you look beautiful in that dress! Or they liked your hair cut! Positive comments!
Have some questions to ask you,
Have u been avoiding mirrors?
Have u been excessively changing clothes? Makeup?
What parts in your face u consider ugly and have u thought about seeking aesthetical surgery? Or it is as u said you believe that your face don't go together with sunglasses or hats...?
When u were attending a social meeting have u ever thought about what the others may think of you? ( your face, your hair...)
Have u been spending lot of time comparing yourself with others, siblings, friends for example?

I think you put the nail on the head. My physical appearance had a lot to do with me developing social anxiety. Now that I’m aging I’m noticing how much it had to do. Feeling social awkwardly came later. Not in my childhood. I was a completely normal kid at my childhood years. In spite of being called “giraffe” by my peers. It didn’t like me, of course, but it wasn’t a trauma for me.

I’m gonna try to reply to your questions.
First, you’re right. I don’t take into account any positive comment about my physical appearance and when I believed one, there was always an internal “but” or a derogatory thought about how faulty I was socially.

I do avoid mirrors. There are two people who avoid mirrors the most: Vampires and me. I neither want to be on a video, a pic or a video chat. I try to avoid that as the pest.

About clothes and make-up, I never change a lot my clothes, pretty casual and comfy, btw. And of course, my make-up is always discrete. Anything could spot my physical flaws even more if I wear appealing clothes or make-up. It’s now that I’m daring to wear the clothes I like to wear and suit every woman even when they may call a little more the attention. In this sense I think I progressed.
About my hair yes, I tested my hair in every and each possible style. Straight, wavy, curly, short like a guy, medium-length and long as I have it now. And yes, I dyed my hair even peach color, of course, I changed it the following week.
So, yes, I tried everything and counting. It’s also a torture to go to the hairdresser’s.
I did think about surgery of course, to change my nose and face.
My complexes draw mainly to my hair, nose, mouth, profile, and a fatty butt.
These are the most understanding. I could be talking for hours about it.

My fault also, yes, I compare myself with normal people, beauty people is another story. I compare myself to normal people. I never saw myself normal in any sense. Kind of the “ugly duck syndrome”.

I don’t know if I replied all your doubts. I hope so.