Rage from living in a fantasy world - Schizoid Personality Disorder

Hello,

I am brand new to this forum and I am looking for help. I haven't written anything this long since I graduated from uni 12 years ago. I've tried to structure this as best I could to make it flow. Btw I haven't slept in two days.

I always thought I was dysthymic and a bit ocd but more recently I have begun to wonder am I actually full blown schizoidal?

My story...

I am a 35 year old male that has been living with depressive symptoms since my late teens. Liked being around people as a kid/teenager but preferred time alone to play video games. No abuse as a kid, some teasing at school (I was a bit of a cry baby) and by far the youngest in the class/grade but no serious bullying. Did well academically always 2nd or 3rd in the class, but then then got somewhat lazy in my teens only putting effort into subjects I actually enjoyed or saw as important to my future planned career in engineering or science. University was much different story, avoided lectures and had to repeat 4 semesters. Left projects & studying to the last minute always. This hit me hard. Looking back a huge part of my self esteem I felt was tied up in doing well academically and when that went I felt a bit worthless which affected everything else in my life. Went travelling after uni to Australia and New Zealand spending two years there in total. Worked construction and odd jobs only working when I needed the money and the spending the rest of the time lazing about with backpackers. Came home got an entry level job for a year in engineering and had a bit of a breakdown. Intense feelings of dread and anxiety and I was suicidal. Just came out of the blue. This lasted for a year. I had just turned thirty.

Now, I have little to do with my days. For the last few years I have been living with my parents, in a rural area that I've been coming to all and I'm the eldest out of a family of four boys (7 years between me and the youngest). Not wanting to do anything with myself. There are things that would be nice like my own place and a decent car but I don't want them that badly to even draw up a serious plan as how I might get them. I do menial work part time. I feel incompetent professionally, un focused, undisciplined and a huge, huge procrastinator. I do make some money affiliate marketing online but I have no ambition or meaningful work ethic to go full hog at it ( and make a decent living which I feel is quite possible) even though just making minimum wage would be a huge relief. I quite like checking my stats every morning and getting a kick out of making a few euro the night before. What's great is that I can work from home and nog have to work with people. But alas I haven't done anything about it in nearly a year. When I'm not working, I generally just browse the web from when I get up to when I go to sleep, only leaving the house to get cigarettes (smoking 25/day) or to go the bar or visit relatives who live close by. I not afraid to go outside, just saying. Three quarters of my income gets spent on alcohol the rest on food and cigarettes.

My daily mood I would describe as often being angry, tense and very, very irritable with extreme mood swings alternating between angry and less angry - often snapping at my parents over simple things and feeling very awkward when I pass someone I know on the road and have to engage in small talk. I'm sure I come across as impatient, uninterested, cranky and distracted. Relatives have been filled in by my immediate family perhaps but the locals prefer to avoid me I think. No sadness or tearfulness just a bit hopeless and also apathetic. If I am feeling irritable like this, and I know guests are coming I just hide away in my room or go for a couple hours walk.

I day dream ALL THE TIME, often fantasising about being rich and successful, self made entrepreneur type guy, driving exotic cars, big house etc. Which makes me feel good. But the flip side to this is that there is a darker side to living in this fantasy world. I often over dramatise/exaggerate past incidents where people have said things or treated me that have angered me to which I was completely indifferent to at the time (some incidents happening many years ago), repeating these incidents over and over and over again (having been repeating some these in my head for a few years now).

This has been going on for years and it has completely burnt my brain out. My cognition has certainly suffered as a result. And drinking does help to reduce this anguish although it does happen when I'm drunk but rarely, more so when I drink alone in my room. The real funny thing is that I can never imagine people being nice to me and that making me feel good. Its always just anger inducing ****.

Otherwise socially, some people seem to have time for me but I have very few close friends and by close I mean generally our relationships revolve entirely around alcohol and our meetups involve at first some brief chit chat, awkward silences but then getting quite drunk (the equivalent of 20 bottles of beer and a number of shots) and having a bit of a laugh sometimes ending up in each others houses for, yes, more alcohol or driving somewhere and smoking weed. Alcohol makes me far more sociable and I probably wouldn't show up to social occasions if everybody wasn't drinking. I'm a one-on-one type of guy and feel more comfortable just socialising with another maybe two. But I have to get along with both of them well. Any bigger group than that, I start to feel awkward. Romantically my life has always been a bit of a joke. Not a terrible looking guy, I've been told, in not so many words. Tall, athletic build. Just don't exude attractiveness I suppose. Often seen drinking alone in bars reading the newspaper or watching tv, in a world of my own, kind of ignoring everyone. I'm very coy and not very open to conversation. This changes greatly after a few beers. Dated here and there in my twenties but just amn't interested in a romantic relationship. I still have a libido especially the day following a nights boozing.

I have a good sense of humour I suppose but few stories about past friendships/relationships. My humour generally consists of witty one liners and crazy stuff for want of a better word. I tend to only get along with relatives (just guys) that I was friends with since childhood but these relationships are very awkward at times and strained compared to times gone by.

I have dabbled in a lot of self help approaches to recovery. CBT, Meditation, supplementaion, nootropic cognitive enhancers, brain training and lots of walking. Walking works best. I have tried therapy but I think I was really frustrating my therapist and I hated opening up. I just couldn't wait to leave each session.

Well to sum up,
I am not quite sure what the hell is wrong with me. I am coming to the end of my nootropics supplements but they aren't working nearly as well as hoped. Would be interested in hearing stories from other people especially theyre experience with this pseudo-hermit style lifestyle who live mostly in their own fantasy world.

A lengthy post I know, but thank you so much for reading!

R

Hello ryan1985x: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. Unfortunately I'm not going to have time to read through your post this evening. But, since it appears you posted this two days ago, I wanted to at least acknowledge your post. I'll try to make time to read through it tomorrow. And perhaps in the meantime other PC members will also reply. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thanks for sharing your story. As you perhaps may notice, beneath my avatar, I have anointed myself with the title: "Reclusive old troll". I'm over twice your age. And I am married. But beyond that I have no extended family, no friends & really not even any acquaintances of any consequences... by choice. When I was young I would have had a lot in common with the way you describe your life (except that no one would have ever described me as having been a good student.) However, as I've aged, I've simply become an old recluse & no longer have any interest in being out-&-about, so to speak. (Like you it's not that I'm afraid to go out. I simply prefer not to.)

You talked about your fantasy life. I don't have a fantasy life as such anymore. (I did when I was young.) However I do have some mental-health-related concerns that I'm quite certain are exaggerated by my reclusive lifestyle. (I'll spare you the details!) I think that being out in society... working & socializing (in a positive manner) has something of a "leveling" effect on people. The more one is by oneself the more there is a tendency to veer off into fantasies, & even behaviors, that are outside of the mainstream so to speak.

To sum up, you wrote you don't know what the hell is wrong with you. And, unfortunately, I can't tell you that either. (I'm not a mental health professional.) One thing that does occur to me is that quite a bit of what you described is similar to how depression is sometimes manifest in men. Here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on that topic plus a link to an article that talks about why a person might feel angry all the time:

Men and Depression: How Male Depression Really IS Different | What is TMS?

Depression in Men: It Looks Different Than You Might Think

The 'Weakness Factor': Men and Depression

10 Things You Should Know About Male Depression

12 Depression Busters for Men

https://psychcentral.com/blog/angry-...dium=popular17

You mentioned you tried seeing a therapist. But, from what you wrote, it sounds as though it didn't particularly go well. In my own case, I've tried seeing a few different therapists for brief periods. However none it really ever amounted to much. For one thing I never found one I had any great amount of confidence in. But for another opening up about all that's gone on with me has been, & still is, excruciatingly difficult. So that's not at all helpful. The thing I believe I know, though, is that it can take time to find a therapist you feel comfortable with. (You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find one you want to bare your soul to.) You just have to keep looking... & keep trying until you find the right one. The reality is that the only way things may change significantly for you is if you find someone who can help you dig yourself out of the hole you're now in. It doesn't have to be a mental health therapist. But, in general, there don't tend to be a lot of other options when it comes to people who would potentially have the expertise to guide you. And as the old saying goes... if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. So, at least to my way of thinking, what's going to be necessary is going to be for you to commit yourself to doing what you have to do to change. No one else can make that happen for you. My best wishes to you.