Conquer the World or Crawl in a Hole?

My mind is not right, not at all. Today I want to crawl in a whole after saying some really hurtful things to someone I am madly and wildly in love with. I don't think it's end of the world horrible things, and he probably won't text for a couple days because he is a busy man, but I literally spent the past ten hours staring at the phone in disbelief. I tried to fix it, but I think I made it worse. And all I can think of is he took the time to send me a nice message and look what I've gone and done.

I've been having meltdown after meltdown the past two weeks. Two months ago, I had given up cigarettes, hard alcohol, and pot and I went into the pits of suicidal depression. Pdoc tried to fix it with an increase in lithium, but I had some scary side effects. I feel better without the increased lithium, but my bipolar disorder feels very embarrassingly obvious. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, other times I want to crawl in a hole and die.

Today I am giving up all alcohol. I have no idea what that will do to my brain, but when I read my hero Stephen King's memoir about how he described his alcoholism, and how it rang so true with me, and how he got clean and hasn't touched the stuff in over ten years and still continues to produce legendary horror novels, I started crying because I tried so hard to quit everything I've quit and it's still not good enough, I have to be brave and admit I struggle with alcohol, too, and get rid of that habit. But I'll do it for the man I love, he gave up drinking and I don't want to drink around him when he's trying to be good.

I've been really hurting, and having bouts of crying sessions off and on. And today the texts I sent really hurt me, probably more than it hurt him because I can't believe I said those things when he means the world to me.

That is a lot to give up all at once. Maybe pace yourself. I'm not sure if that's good advice or not. But its something I thought. If this wasn't Covid19 world, I'd say maybe try rehab.

You sound like you are in a lot of pain and really struggling right now I feel for you!! It may not seem like it atm, but it'll get better. Emotions are like waves. They come, and they GO. Please know that people care about you too.

In terms of the guy you said the mean things to, we all make mistakes. Maybe just give it some time, and stop staring at your phone. find something healthy you like doing to distract yourself. Reading? Painting? Writing? (Not about the guy tho), spend time w your family.

You'll get through this and we are here.

Lark, almost everyone's stress level is through the roof right now. Please try to go a bit easier on yourself. You said something you regret. Apologize, learn from it and try to not beat yourself up. You've shown such stupendous growth the last few years. Can you find a way to focus on that instead of one mistake?

About that stress I mentioned... I'm normally an even keel kind of person. I'm getting squirrely with the current crisis. As a result I find myself becoming three new additions to the dwarves - cranky, crabby and female doggy.

side note about Sai King. He's done some of his best writing since he got clean and sober.

Do be kind to yourself. The road is long and winding...

This time is very hard on everyone and it has not been easy for you. People aren’t themselves now. Could you apologize to your friend? Then he knows you just aren’t yourself at the moment and meant no harm

You are so strong in quitting so many harmful things. It takes strength.

I yelled at a stranger at the store because he came up too close to me. I am not known to act like this. These are trying times

Hugs to you

Thank you, everyone. Every little thing upsets me right now and I break down crying. I am pushing myself too much, trying to do too much even when there's nothing to do. I want to come out of this a better person, more confident in who I am. I am putting too much pressure on myself.

J's just as strong and resilient as I am; I don't think he's going anywhere. I wrote him a very sweet, kind message before I went to bed.

Be kind to yourself hon. What would you say to a friend you saw who was pushing to hard?

J is very hard on himself like me. My heart aches for him because he is missing out on spending time with loved ones, which is what Im missing out on. I was mean to him by taking a lighthearted joke and scolding him for what frustrates me about him pushing himself too hard. And it hurt me because thats not what good friends do and it was a reflection of my own insecurities rather than his flaws and made me feel bad for behavior I wouldnt want to be around if that happened to me.

It sounds like you realize you said the wrong thing and apologized. I think you need to forgive yourself just as you would forgive a friend who said something wrong.

Good for you for giving up alcohol! It really does not mix well with mental illness.

I've never cried so much in past the six months. I keep thinking it'll get better, it gets worse. I don't want to keep pushing anymore. What the hell is the point?

I took a nice hot bubble bath and stayed in there till I was shivering. I'm going to try to keep myself level and take care of myself. I have to learn to accept that I can't push myself relentlessly, that I need to accept my good qualities and not obsess over the bad, or that every time I make a mistake I don't have to make it an obstacle I have to overcome. I need to be gentle with myself.

You are very wise. I'm glad you're going to be gentle with yourself.

Good job!! Bubble bath sounds very soothing