Envious and oversensitive?

This is a long story,so I'll try to keep it simple. My son's dad and I separated nearly 18 years ago. We quickly got over ourselves for their sake and successfully raised them to 22 and 20 yo. I have a 12yo of my own, and he has an 11 and 6 to with a woman I'm very fond of. Our eldest son just emerged from a coma with some significant deficit. As a family it's been even more difficult with covid-19 restrictions. Not only were we restricted to one visitor for one hour a day, but I had to leave my 12 to with my dad 800 kilometres away to be at the hospital. Their dad has always been a narcissistic control freak ( my diagnosis 🤭 ) but it's really getting the better of me. He delayed telling me that my son was injured, had the dr's and police communicating with him only (sorted), failed to tell the police important information regarding my son's last contact with me( I thought it had been mentioned, I will contact them to give my statement and ensure they pass info onto me too) assumed wrongly that my son got in a fight defending my honor and criticized me for it, when my son looks towards my voice his dad puts his face in between 🤯, interferes with therapy by insisting on doing it himself ( the students did nothing because he wouldn't get out of the way) assumes that he has to do everything ( I collected paperwork and snidely said I CAN do some things, he said about time- I told him whether to go) questions every little thing I do for my son ( I was feeding him and after being criticized I reminded him that I'D taught him to eat 21.5 years ago) . He kisses our son on the mouth, something our son wouldn't have tolerated 2 mths ago, and not what they did when he was a baby. My son twirls my hair like when he was a baby and his dad tells him to rip it out, probably because HE'S bald.
He disregards my thoughts and feelings, but tries to assert his. Lots of things about me and not our son that I CAN shake off, but a lot of little things accumulating and threatening to avalanche. Am I the control freak? I'm coming home and venting to our 20 yo, not healthy, that's Not what I'm about. I can't sleep because I'm so pinged off. I've been through so much in the last few years that losing my son to brain damage is totally manageable, but I won't be excluded from his recovery, or worse competed with. Am I being competitive? My sons don't want/need to hear about my bad feelings toward their dad. My 20yo agrees that he is who he is. I should just ignore him and focus on what's important. But I feel like it's his BS hindering my best efforts and triggering me. I'm lashing out, being passive aggressive, or downright hostile, paranoia is ramping up, insomnia, over/under eating. All the good stuff 👌. Do I need to breakup with him again in my head? Should I just calm myself, try to be an adult? Or rip his face off 😠

I'm a little lost with your story.. and it could be why you haven't received any responses yet.

Your son who's in need of medical support has a dad with "NPD"? If so, you need to learn how to disassociate from him and not take things personally. As your one son said, he is who he is and he's an ex .. not your problem.

Try and focus on your son's treatment. Gather everyone's contacts (police, hospital, lawyers, etc) and speak to them directly.

If he's allowed one visitor per day, see if dad can agree to a schedule. Do your part and not worry about what he's doing. You need to rise above for the sake of your son. He needs you now the most.

Dad kissed him on the mouth. Let it be. He's showing compassion. It may be his way of dealing with his loss, too, if your son does not fully recover.

What I see is that you're focusing too much energy on dad than your son. I'd change that.

Other than that, I'm not sure what the real problem is between you and dad. Like I said, your story was confusing for me to read. My apologies.

Thankyou so much, yeah you are right. My story is as confusrd as I am ATM . The fact that he remembers his dad and not me doesn't help me to be less jealous. I AM aware that it's not about me though. Is it ok to kiss your son on the mouth, particularly if he can't refuse ? It seems wrong and forced to me

I am sorry about your son. It must be so tough.

You’ve been apart from your ex for 18 years so what he does or doesn’t do shouldn’t be very relevant. I’d say it’s understandable you feel annoyed dealing with your ex. I get along with my ex and he isn’t NPD at all but if I have to spend long time in his proximity (for our daughters events) I remember why we are divorced. He annoys the heck out of me.

Try to focus on your son and not on your ex. Kissing on the mouth is weird but perhaps it’s a non issue at the moment. If you believe it’s negligent or abusive then talk to your sons medical team, otherwise you should let it go

I am sorry about your sons illness

Kissing on the mouth is common for parents to do with young children. Maybe he is seeing his son dependable like a young child and it's coming out in this way.

I agree though, if you think there's a darker force behind this, talk with the medical team.

Has he ever crossed sexual boundaries before?

I hope your son's recovery is swift. I wish for the best for him and for you. As best you can, inform all the necessary people: medical personnel, lawyers, police, etc personally whatever it is you want them to know. If anyone questions you, say calmly "His father and I are divorced. I think it important that you know this." (whatever the relevant info is) "I want to be informed/notified (whatever fits here) about my son." Tell the medical people about your ex kissing his son on the mouth. That is simply unsanitary. Your son's health comes FIRST before any emotional malfunctioning going on in your ex's ego. Your ex needs to hear it from the medical staff that his slobbering all over his son's mouth can give your son an infection which could be quite harmful.

I empathize quite deeply with your situation. Without going into detail, there was someone in my family who was doing and saying things that were not helpful, and yes, for whatever reason (even reasons that don't make any sense) there are people who make things worse for their own agenda. The sooner you establish that you are the young man's mother and that you expect to be and deserve to be kept in the loop (regardless of anyone else) the better.

^^ Good point. With the coronavirus, it's best that no one is kissing him on the mouth.

Thanks for your advice, you're right, I need to speak with his team as I get no where voicing my concerns to his dad. I'm probably being over protective, it makes me uncomfortable that he does and says things that my son wouldn't allow when he was verbal and alert.

Not that I'm aware of, and I wouldn't think so. There's a lot of things going on in my head ATM. It just feels like overstepping boundaries. Who knows my son may recover and be a physically affectionate person, totally different, and welcome the the contact.

Thankyou for your advice and support. I'd hoped we could work like a well oiled machine because we've managed so far. Seems we're both having difficulties and dealing with it differently. He seems to want to do it all himself and shuts down my efforts. I'll continue contacting and reaffirming the staff etc that I need updates too. Finding it hard to ignore things and get on with helping my son