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I hate myself
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Trig May 15, 2020 at 10:49 PM
  #1
I'm a 14 year old guy.

Sometimes I feel numb, my compassion and other emotions can fluctuate, I get mad when my mind tells me when I am a sociopath, I rarely ever feel happy now because I am scared I could harm someone and feel nothing. It sucks, living like this.

As for my home situation? I don't know, my home life is good... but sometimes my mom can get mad and yell at me really badly. My mom used to get in my face and insult me, one time she did it too me and my brother over bacon... I wasn't even involved.

Because of that, I cannot empathize with my mom or respect her. I did get worried about her recently and she gets me the stuff I want... but that's it. I cannot trust her. My grandparents are nice, my grandmother definitely I like and prefer staying with, my grandfather is okay when not mad. Not like my mom when bad, but really annoying though.

My great grandmother I was close too and really sad when she died. I really liked her because she was truly nice and I miss her and how home it felt at her house. She never yelled. She never insulted me either. Her house was nice, it felt at home when you think about it and it is nostalgic to me.

My brother is similar to me, I can relate to him, and I feel the same about him like I do towards my great-grandmother. I like talking to him and don't mind him talking to me about his problems as me and him agree. He does annoy me at times though it doesn't bother me that much. He isn't abusive but gets mad at me over dumb things at times like my mom.

My school life isn't much good either, I can barely relate to other kids, and some of them make me and my brother miserable without feeling guilt. They are horrible people(well some of them). And I had a band teacher in 5th grade who I remember I think used to berate me because I wasn't good at tuba but me and him are on good terms now.

I did lie about using the school iPads and when caught the teacher's(8th grade band and music), I thought it was annoying and tiring me and I wanted to cry... especially because gym was next(the class were I was almost always miserable in. My math teacher was *****y because I never paid attention... math was just boring and hard. I don't hate her, she just is annoying at times, like my grandfather.

Though I did like my 7th grade english, history, and science teachers. They were nice and caring, people I could trust. They never yelled at me as I was good in their classes(other than using phone at times), I respected their rules and got along with others.

It just sucks because I am not normal, I really only like people who don't yell at me... well I can respect really everyone when they don't yell at me. The only person I dread is my mom, I don't hate my mom. She did things to me and my brother I don't like though.

Another person making me truly mad is hard, annoyed and upset is kind of easy, but hurting someone I care about or using me for gain is what makes me mad. I never showed violence towards my teachers, my mom, or peers because they annoyed me. Not make me truly mad.

I did get mad when a group of "friends" used my brother though and threw him out. I still am mad about it, but it isn't really affecting my life.
Another problem is love, I had 3 girlfriends yet I never really felt I loved them. I never cheated on them or anything, but my second girlfriend's friend manipulated me into believing my second girlfriend cheated on me and getting with her(the friend).

I did freak out when I found out when it was a set-up. I wasn't mad, but scared and upset. I was upset when a girl broke up with me, but I felt nothing but relief when my first girlfriend broke up with me because it was boring too me. I want to feel love though, I did care about all of them and treated them kindly... I just didn't feel the spark.

Possible trigger:
and numb, but I don't think it is depression. I just want to love and feel empathy, that's all. I want to feel love others and truly understand how they feel and empathize with them. I don't want to harm another person or animal on purpose.


I doubt these issues are the cause of my lack of empathy... but my lack and remorse + my intrusive thoughts are what I am worried about.

For more context: The most I felt empathy was when I seen a picture of a bird in an oil spill and I wanted to cry because he/she looked so helpless, afraid, and sad. This was yesterday.


And the most I felt remorse was when I yelled at my bird(Just it's name), I saw it was scared and sad and I began crying for 5+ minutes, apologizing/kissing/petting it. That was when I was 11.

I just want to feel the level of empathy and remorse like I did from those two moments. How can I?

Last edited by bluekoi; May 15, 2020 at 11:35 PM.. Reason: Add trigger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Default May 16, 2020 at 02:29 AM
  #2
Are you able to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom and say this? Maybe in a text/email so she has time to process it and be less reactive?

The following quote is from your post. If you don't feel safe giving it to her, perhaps send it to your school counselor?

Quote:
Sometimes I feel numb, my compassion and other emotions can fluctuate. I rarely ever feel happy now. I feel suicidal and it sucks, living like this. I don't think it is depression.

Sometimes you get mad and yell at me really badly. You'll get in my face and insult me. Because of that, I cannot empathize or respect you. I cannot trust you.

I miss my great grandmother and how home it felt at her house. She never yelled. She never insulted me either. Her house felt at home to me.

My school life isn't much good either, I can barely relate to other kids. It just sucks because I am not normal. I only like and can respect everyone when they don't yell at me.

The only person I dread is you and I don't hate you. You do things to me and my brother I don't like though. I've never shown violence towards my teachers, you, or peers because they annoyed me.

I just want to love and feel empathy, that's all. I want to feel love others and truly understand how they feel and empathize with them.
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Default May 16, 2020 at 02:24 PM
  #3
You are not a sociopath. You clearly feel a lot of emotions, and even if sometimes you feel numb, it's normal. Sometimes, it happens because you feel a lot of different things all at once, and even if you spend hours crying or being angry about it, your feelings don't go away, but you're just used to having them. I know that for me, I can reach moments when whatever made me cry can't make me shed a tear anymore, and it's not because I'm over it or because I don't care anymore, it's just because I've spend so much energy into that one thing that I'm too tired to do more. And it's okay. It doesn't make us any less human. We're just tired. And I assume you've had these feelings for a while now, so it's OK to feel numb sometimes. You're just tired of all this.

And no one likes to be yelled at. Especially by someone like your mother. And I can't imagine what that's like, but I've been in a similar situation, and luckily you have your brother with you who knows exactly how you feel. Don't ever forget he's there for you, just like you are for him. It's not easy coming home to an environment like this, but try maybe having a calm discussion between the 3 of you. Even if she begins to scream, try to have a clear discussion, just to say that her yelling has really affected you, that you now dread her. But if you do talk to her, stay as calm as possible, and express as well as you can your feelings about the situation.

I feel like you may have a hard time trusting people, which I understand. But remember it takes time to build trust, and it also works that way for you. When there's a lack of trust between two people, there can be a lot more tension that builds up. Hearing what happens with your girlfriend's friend, I understand that it's hard to know who to trust. You do have to be vigilant, but don't let yourself build a wall around yourself, or you'll feel even lonelier.

I hope this helps you a little bit, I'm not really a psychologist or anything of the sort, but I try to speak from my experience, and I hope you can learn from it.

And I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Even if she's gone, she'll always be in your memories, and no one can take that from you.
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Trig May 17, 2020 at 12:34 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clrcle View Post
You are not a sociopath. You clearly feel a lot of emotions, and even if sometimes you feel numb, it's normal. Sometimes, it happens because you feel a lot of different things all at once, and even if you spend hours crying or being angry about it, your feelings don't go away, but you're just used to having them. I know that for me, I can reach moments when whatever made me cry can't make me shed a tear anymore, and it's not because I'm over it or because I don't care anymore, it's just because I've spend so much energy into that one thing that I'm too tired to do more. And it's okay. It doesn't make us any less human. We're just tired. And I assume you've had these feelings for a while now, so it's OK to feel numb sometimes. You're just tired of all this.

And no one likes to be yelled at. Especially by someone like your mother. And I can't imagine what that's like, but I've been in a similar situation, and luckily you have your brother with you who knows exactly how you feel. Don't ever forget he's there for you, just like you are for him. It's not easy coming home to an environment like this, but try maybe having a calm discussion between the 3 of you. Even if she begins to scream, try to have a clear discussion, just to say that her yelling has really affected you, that you now dread her. But if you do talk to her, stay as calm as possible, and express as well as you can your feelings about the situation.

I feel like you may have a hard time trusting people, which I understand. But remember it takes time to build trust, and it also works that way for you. When there's a lack of trust between two people, there can be a lot more tension that builds up. Hearing what happens with your girlfriend's friend, I understand that it's hard to know who to trust. You do have to be vigilant, but don't let yourself build a wall around yourself, or you'll feel even lonelier.

I hope this helps you a little bit, I'm not really a psychologist or anything of the sort, but I try to speak from my experience, and I hope you can learn from it.

And I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Even if she's gone, she'll always be in your memories, and no one can take that from you.

I know. It's just because of my lack of empathy, I am afraid I will become manipulative and go downward. My mind tells me I am secretly manipulative and a psychopath, but I did have experiences with might doubt that.


I can feel fear, happiness, sadness, and those other emotions, but not empathy... I cannot feel sad for people or animals(well, I did once for an animal) no matter how hard I try. I don't feel as much guilt or remorse as the average person either. I want both emotions though, but I feel because of my lack of both combined with my violent intrusive thoughts I am a sociopath.

I never felt the need to use or manipulate people, I don't want to do that. I am not charming. I am not violent or cruel. I am not egocentric, in fact I really dislike me as a person. I am suicidal at times and have violent thoughts, but that's the worst I have other than just lacking empathy and remorse. Which could cause a way down to sociopathy? Could I start acting other behaviors associated with ASPD? I don't want too, I certainly felt normal human emotions though.


Is there a way I can be normal with out making a shell or facade? My mind already tells me this is all a shell when I am being honest as I can. All I want to be is a normal person, not a ASPD sufferer. Is there a way I can develop human emotions again and quit being numb and antisocial?
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Default May 18, 2020 at 12:50 PM
  #5
There’s a reason by with psychiatrists can’t diagnosed AsPD before 18.
An adolescent can show defiant behaviours and feelings as a natural development process to mature.

The only fact that you are worried about not being a normal person in relation to empathy gives me a motive to trust you. Having this empathy or not.

It’s normal we don’t like people yelling at us, and much less, a mother, who we supposed to trust. Think that maybe your mother has her problems and having a hard situation so she needs you to help her a little. Tell her that she can count with you but that you feel very annoyed when she yelled at. Show her that she can talk to you as an adult, without yelling.
You seem a pretty mature guy. I encourage you to do it.

Then, as you age...maybe you have not so much capacity of empathy as others ( I’m only guessing. Noone knows), it makes you a little different but it doesn’t have to be for bad. You can also take advantages of that. You are gonna avoid a big part of suffering empaths normally have to face, ( not mention about sensitive as hell people, like myself). This is gonna made of you a stronger person and a person capable of many things.

Do you have the opportunity to talk with a school counselor?

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Trig May 18, 2020 at 01:03 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by AzulOscuro View Post
There’s a reason by with psychiatrists can’t diagnosed AsPD before 18.
An adolescent can show defiant behaviours and feelings as a natural development process to mature.

The only fact that you are worried about not being a normal person in relation to empathy gives me a motive to trust you. Having this empathy or not.

It’s normal we don’t like people yelling at us, and much less, a mother, who we supposed to trust. Think that maybe your mother has her problems and having a hard situation so she needs you to help her a little. Tell her that she can count with you but that you feel very annoyed when she yelled at. Show her that she can talk to you as an adult, without yelling.
You seem a pretty mature guy. I encourage you to do it.

Then, as you age...maybe you have not so much capacity of empathy as others ( I’m only guessing. Noone knows), it makes you a little different but it doesn’t have to be for bad. You can also take advantages of that. You are gonna avoid a big part of suffering empaths normally have to face, ( not mention about sensitive as hell people, like myself). This is gonna made of you a stronger person and a person capable of many things.

Do you have the opportunity to talk with a school counselor?

I tried to talk to the school counselor before about my harm thoughts, but he just sat there and did nothing I think.

The problem with my lack of empathy is my intrusive thoughts and that I'm afraid i'm gonna act on them. I don't want to be cruel to animals, I have a pescetarian diet for that reason. It is hard because I miss pizza, most ramen, and general tsos chicken/moo goo gai pan, but I am trying to manage it.

And another thing is I don't mind having moderate amounts of empathy and remorse, that is all I need really. I am not defiant or bad actually, I just don't like doing my school work and I'm lazy, that's all. I don't want to become violent or cruel so that's why I want empathy, remorse, and more compassion.


I don't fit most of the categories to be a sociopath, as I don't lie and such. It's just my possible impulsiveness, low empathy/remorse, and moderate amounts of compassion combined with both violent and grandiose intrusive thoughts.

Is there a way to learn all 3, even in the case I could be a sociopath?
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Default May 25, 2020 at 09:27 AM
  #7
Your school counselor did anything? Didn’t (s)he at least continue treating with you this issue?

I’m a little lost. One thing is that you don’t feel remorse but another thing is that you want to hurt others. Are they constant thoughts? Is there something that provokes these thoughts about hurting others?

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Default May 25, 2020 at 09:39 AM
  #8
None of us can diagnose you, but I understand your concern. I'm sorry the school counselor did nothing. I had a similar experience with a school counselor when I was your age. I don't know if they are trained to deal with more serious psychiatric issues. You say it's not depression, but it sounds like depression to me. Would your mom be open to taking you to a psychiatrist or therapist?
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