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TishaBuv
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Default May 16, 2020 at 10:58 AM
  #1
It wasn’t always just from my ##1 issue; husband and intimacy. It’s also from husband and lack of having my back.

Recently there was what I am sure was a nervous breakdown from my FOO turning on me over something stupid. I got over it. My sister and I have still never spoken again. I’m sure I care more about that than she does, so I let it go. It was a loss, but I accept it. So after the original breakdown, I’ve been fine about that.

Then there was the issue with my son that put both me and my husband into devastation. It’s passed. We’re in communication, so we’re okay with the situation now, though it will never be the same after how he treated us.

I’m reflecting on my emotional “disorder”. The only meltdown, disordered reaction comes from me thinking my husband is my lover and other half. He has proven to be something struggling to be adequate, but just rarely coming through. My anger and frustration led to an over the top emotional reaction.

I am so sad this happened to us. I thought I was healthy enough for a life together. I am angry at myself for being difficult. But I can’t be what he wants, and he can’t be what I want. Yet after all these years, we stay together. I am just trying to shut my mouth and be nice. I’m getting better, but I’ve said nasty things to him in my anger. If only he just could have treated me in the way I needed to feel loved. That’s the whole essence of it.

I need to learn to forget that idea. But still, I am broken because my heart is dead for how it is.

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Default May 16, 2020 at 11:46 AM
  #2
Another meltdown happened from the giving mom money stupid plan, when mom screamed and cursed me out in front of my aunt and step dad. They didn’t say a word, and I ran out of there and cried while driving home. My aunt never even called to see if I was alright. So that was over impossible Mom, and not husband at all.

Mostly, the friction with Mom did not break down to me having a meltdown, although there have been a few at times.

I remember right before I got married, I stayed with Mom and she went off on me so bad, I was hysterical, and asked husband to come get me. I don’t even remember what it was over, simply that she was stressed and went ballistic.

And, of course, there were the times from young childhood with me not eating and her screaming at me at the table relentlessly until I ran away and cried hysterically in my room.

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Default May 16, 2020 at 11:49 AM
  #3
Since I got diagnosed with EDD, and since I admit the hysterical crying is abnormal, and since a med I am now taking has worked a miracle to stop it, I am reflecting on exactly what this disorder is.

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Default May 16, 2020 at 12:09 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I am so sad this happened to us. I thought I was healthy enough for a life together. I am angry at myself for being difficult. But I can’t be what he wants, and he can’t be what I want. Yet after all these years, we stay together. I am just trying to shut my mouth and be nice. I’m getting better, but I’ve said nasty things to him in my anger. If only he just could have treated me in the way I needed to feel loved.
I now recognize the one of the problems my marriage had was that I did not always require our children to respect their dad the way I should. We did not work together as a team as we should have. So I did not have his back the way I should have. It was not good for our children. It probably caused H to have some emotional outbursts too. I am grateful that he still loves me despite what happened. I am grateful that I see his value more fully now. I love him more than before but I still have some slip ups. The slip-ups are less serious than before because I see my role in what happened much more clearly. He made some mistakes too. Marriage is a complex thing that is hard to fully explain and perhaps some of it is just between our husbands and us. You are both still together. I hope you and your husband still keep trying. I bet their are many good things between you but that you are just feeling down and discouraged today. I hope it gets better for you and your husband. It was very bad for me and is a lot better now. I take some medication too. It has helped; I am not sure how much of a role my medications play overall but they have definitely helped.
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Default May 16, 2020 at 03:29 PM
  #5
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I now recognize the one of the problems my marriage had was that I did not always require our children to respect their dad the way I should. We did not work together as a team as we should have. So I did not have his back the way I should have. It was not good for our children. It probably caused H to have some emotional outbursts too. I am grateful that he still loves me despite what happened. I am grateful that I see his value more fully now. I love him more than before but I still have some slip ups. The slip-ups are less serious than before because I see my role in what happened much more clearly. He made some mistakes too. Marriage is a complex thing that is hard to fully explain and perhaps some of it is just between our husbands and us. You are both still together. I hope you and your husband still keep trying. I bet their are many good things between you but that you are just feeling down and discouraged today. I hope it gets better for you and your husband. It was very bad for me and is a lot better now. I take some medication too. It has helped; I am not sure how much of a role my medications play overall but they have definitely helped.
When the incident happened with our otherwise ideal son, we spent many months going back over every possible thing that might have caused him to treat us that way. You can always find reasons. Had the incident not happened, we never would have had to go back and blame ourselves. Who knows why things go bad sometimes?

I remember being really little and trying to get my father to say yes to something when my mother said no. He would always just say that whatever my mom said goes. Darn it, I couldn’t play them!

My husband and I were very similar in that I was the main say about everything. He was busy with work, so I was the one to know about everything. I was raised with the women in charge, so this was a good arrangement for me. Looking back, there were problems with the father not being involved enough. They didn’t get enough male influence.

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Default May 16, 2020 at 04:00 PM
  #6
It’s an ongoing thing, predominantly between me and my husband over a very specific thing. No therapist has been helpful. This psy gave me meds that help me not have a full blown meltdown. But I can’t live with him and be normal (to be what he wants, his way, not my way), and it’s just exhausting. That’s the situation. I’ll try harder to be strong.

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Default May 16, 2020 at 05:17 PM
  #7
I'm just curious... why do you stay together? You and your husband, if it's so difficult? You've read my thread about the difficulties in my own marriage, but I'm willing to leave if needed. Just curious why you stay if you cannot give each other what you each need?

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Default May 16, 2020 at 05:56 PM
  #8
I guess because we do love each other. We are family and have raised kids together. We really do have a good time together aside from this issue.

I want to feel love the way I want it. I want my man to protect and defend me. I know my feelings about this are partly due to some emotional issue I have, and I am ashamed of that. But he will not give it to me because that’s just not who he is.

How did I get so obsessed and rigidly fixated on this? I put more blame on me than I do on him.

There are many more reasons I would love to say, but that’s a whole lot of honesty. Worst of all; I fear being all alone in my old age, I am sure he will get a trophy wife and I’ll be jealous (I know this is stupid), also I am fearful about the separating of finances and all that goes with that.

We have a very long time together. You have only a short time in later years. Honestly, I started to think of getting out just after having two kids, but that would have been way too scary for me. That’s how long this struggle is going on!

My former boyfriends were either me longing for their unrequited love (limerence) or me breaking up with them after I didn’t feel it at all or after a short while.

So, I’m thinking there’s something wrong with me.

And amazingly, he never said he wants to end it. He doesn’t act bothered by me. He’s a cool customer. No reaction, no complaining. He just tunes me out. I’m still always very good to him, despite cracking up. I pout, then make dinner.

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Default May 16, 2020 at 06:10 PM
  #9
It sounds like there's positives there, and I understand how complex it can become, especially after children, after years together and when finances are involved. I get it, because I had/have some complications myself as I was considering leaving my husband. It just makes me sad to hear you're not getting what you want and need the most. I get where you're coming from too-- there's something romantic about feeling protected and safe. I don't know why that is for me, but I feel similarly. I always want to know that my man has my back as well. I am a bit traditionalist in that way.

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Default May 17, 2020 at 01:54 PM
  #10
I just told him I’m sorry I can’t be what he wants, and no, I never got what I wanted no matter how many times I asked. It’s time to give up.

The meds keep me calm, like in a zombie state. But they don’t help the problem obviously. We are at a stalemate.

I’m so glad to have our middle son here. He’s been a joy. He’s really special and I am glad we produced him (at least that’s good). Prayers the oldest comes to his senses in the future, but who knows. And the little one will be fine in spite of his worries about his future. He’s an exceptional classical guitarist so maybe he’ll have a career in the arts. I’m proud of them, even the brainwashed one, who I’ve loved as much as anyone can. He broke my heart even more than the warring marriage with my husband.

No, I never had anyone have my back much. Having that would have felt like love.

I doubt at this point we’ll even bother to divorce. Maybe we’ll just separate and the finances will be fair enough. I think it’s better to be alone than to be tortured by someone.

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Default May 17, 2020 at 02:01 PM
  #11
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I think it’s better to be alone than to be tortured by someone.
Amen to that. Agree wholeheartedly!!! Life’s short. Why choose to live in misery and torture?

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Default May 17, 2020 at 03:24 PM
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Amen to that. Agree wholeheartedly!!! Life’s short. Why choose to live in misery and torture?

That’s the key question and Not one therapist broached that question! I don’t know how or why I (together with him) made this what it is. Thanks for your support!

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Default May 17, 2020 at 03:46 PM
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That’s the key question and Not one therapist broached that question! I don’t know how or why I (together with him) made this what it is. Thanks for your support!
Not one therapist? Wow, amazing. Maybe it doesn't matter how or why, but perhaps what matters now is this is what you've got, and this is what the marriage is. It's been a number of years, and you now know fully what you've got. And it can come down to choosing a life of happiness, inner peace and fulfillment of one's desires in life, or not, and my guess is you'd choose happiness & fulfillment over misery, pain and anguish... as would I.

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Default May 17, 2020 at 04:02 PM
  #14
I’d like to get the meds to really work, give in to his way (because we know he won’t give me mine), and live my best life not really focused on him. He’s a wonderful companion outside of the bedroom!

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Default May 17, 2020 at 05:39 PM
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No, I never had anyone have my back much. Having that would have felt like love.

.
Your husband never had your back? Is that how you feel, that you did it all alone all these years? Would he agree with this assessment?
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Default May 17, 2020 at 06:01 PM
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Your husband never had your back? Is that how you feel, that you did it all alone all these years? Would he agree with this assessment?
Well, I didn’t take that expression to mean I did everything all alone. He worked and made money, came home, went places with us. He’s happy to listen when I want to vent about something.

He was pretty emotionally absent in raising the boys. He didn’t talk to them much, didn’t play catch. I found other kids’ dads to throw balls with them. But he was actively there on vacations and we all had good times. He wasn’t mean to us at all.

By ‘have my back’ I am referring to times where someone else mistreated me horribly. I had a preconceived notion that a husband would speak up to defend his wife to the offender. He didn’t on several occasions, where I always was the first to go to defend him when a few things happened. These are my values. Obviously, they are not his values. So we fought about his ‘not having my back’ several times. Or he finally stepped up for me after I got upset about it.

I truly believe 99/100 husbands would have gotten mad and defended their wives from these few incidents, but he didn’t.

And for me, it especially hurts because my emotionally withdrawn father died when I was so young.

Actually, my step dad twice had to step in with a guy I was dating and come and got me, and told him to leave me alone. Tee hee, it was kind of funny to have to see my step dad get into having to be a dad to me...but he did do it. So, that did make me feel secure. I felt bad I got myself into a situation where he needed to. I was a twit.

But these two times with my husband, I deserved to be defended and feel protected. See, my husband, in his career, was the most calm and professional there when the shyt hit the fan. So he never reacts to anything...but that hurt when it came to me.

Also, once a kid came over and stole something from one of our kids. My husband went right over with our son to that kid’s house and got it back, nicely. That was a clear cut case where someone outright stole something, so it was a no brainer to him.

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Default May 17, 2020 at 06:07 PM
  #17
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Well, I didn’t take that expression to mean I did everything all alone. He worked and made money, came home, went places with us. He’s happy to listen when I want to vent about something.

He was pretty emotionally absent in raising the boys. He didn’t talk to them much, didn’t play catch. I found other kids’ dads to throw balls with them. But he was actively there on vacations and we all had good times. He wasn’t mean to us at all.

By ‘have my back’ I am referring to times where someone else mistreated me horribly. I had a preconceived notion that a husband would speak up to defend his wife to the offender. He didn’t on several occasions, where I always was the first to go to defend him when a few things happened. These are my values. Obviously, they are not his values. So we fought about his ‘not having my back’ several times. Or he finally stepped up for me after I got upset about it.

I truly believe 99/100 husbands would have gotten mad and defended their wives from these few incidents, but he didn’t.

And for me, it especially hurts because my emotionally withdrawn father died when I was so young.

Actually, my step dad twice had to step in with a guy I was dating and come and got me, and told him to leave me alone. Tee hee, it was kind of funny to have to see my step dad get into having to be a dad to me...but he did do it. So, that did make me feel secure. I felt bad I got myself into a situation where he needed to. I was a twit.

But these two times with my husband, I deserved to be defended and feel protected. See, my husband, in his career, was the most calm and professional there when the shyt hit the fan. So he never reacts to anything...but that hurt when it came to me.
I understand what you mean now. I get the feeling of wanting him to have your back
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