Can't open up about my emotions

Hi everyone,

I've always been a bit timid, and I've always had it a little bit harder to meet new people., but now that I'm in college, I've realized that I can't speak up for myself, and I haven't been able to properly talk about my emotions with anyone.

I think this is all caused by my ex-step-dad who used to beat my mom, and not knowing what to do at that age (12ish), my mom would tell me to pretend I wasn't there to avoid being brought into the fight and make things worse. I've never been physically harmed by him, but one of my older sisters was pretty much chased out of the house by him, and then he turned against my mom for years.

I knew it wasn't a normal thing to happen, but I never thought of talking about it to anyone because I thought it was the kind of thing that everybody dealt with in some ways, and I never wanted to imagine those scenes again. But I haven't been able to talk about my emotions with anyone since. I've learned to shut up and say nothing, and I can't get out of that mindset. I want to be able to discuss all that with my sisters since they've lived through it too, but I can't. Even the thought of discussing it with them makes me tear up.

And it hasn't only been with my family. I can't open up to any of my friends or boyfriends. I don't think I've talked about him to anyone until I was 18. And I realized that I don't feel comfortable talking about it, but I also don't trust people enough. I don't know why, my best friend has lived through some hard times too and I've been there to help her up, but I don't feel like I can trust her with this, because it's too personal. It's been the same with my ex-boyfriend of 2 years, I tried talking to him about it, and did a little, but I never managed to say everything I had in my mind. I couldn't even really get upset with him because I didn't want to start a fight, so I basically also shut up, and every once in a while I'd blow up with all sorts of feelings, but even during that I couldn't really say anything because I didn't even know why I was feeling this way.

Basically, I don't know how to talk about my emotions with someone, even if it's something minor. I feel really locked up and lonely, and I don't know how to get out of this. I've tried writing my feelings down, trying to say little things that hint how I'm feeling, I've even told people to keep asking how I'm doing to make sure I'm not lying. I've even tried to go see a psychologist, but I feel like I was being treated like a child.

I know it's a lot of to read for not that much, and thank you if you've read all this, but this has all been accumulating for a while now, and I'm getting more and more anxious and self-conscious and I just want to be happy with myself. I just want to be OK with who I am. If anyone could try to help me

Hi Circle. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you witnessed so much abuse and trauma. That must make it rough to deal with expressing emotions.

I saw these articles that discuss some of the issues you raised. Hope they are of some help
Learning to Let Go of Past Hurts: 5 Ways to Move On

Anger Management: Unhealthy and Healthy Coping Skills

10 Reasons You Can't Say How You Feel

8 Tips For Dealing With Painful Emotions

I just can't feel emotions anymore

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-stra...fe-challenges/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/culti...ut-of-control/

@CANDC

I'm wondering if you felt you were being treated like a child because your trauma has you stuck in that "helpless child" mode? You were taught at a very young age to keep your mouth shut or someone would get hurt. It was very likely true, too. You feared for your safety and that of your mom's so talking to an adult psychologist may make you feel like that scared child again. I'm just putting it out there.

It could also be that the psychological wasn't very good or you simply didn't have a rapport with her.

Due to coronavirus, psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists are conducting their services via phone or face chat. Maybe you'll feel safer in the comfort of your own home speaking to someone. Set up the environment with soothing background noises, dim the lights or use candles.. perhaps half a glass of wine? And put yourself out there.

It's hard to trust someone and break the habit of concealing trauma. I've been there, too. In order to get past it, we need to push through the discomfort and try. Let her know this is extremely difficult for you to talk about and she'll work at your pace.

You sound relatively young (college student) and the longer you keep your trauma, the harder it is to address it.

My advice is to make a goal for yourself. Schedule an appointment for you to make that first call to whomever can help you set an appointment. You owe it to yourself.

I'm sorry you went through that. Your stepfather no longer has influence over you. I really hope your mother is no longer with him.

Give it a try!

Hey Circle,

If you ever get a chance to talk with a therapist or a counselor, (not a psychiatrist) explain to them exactly what you've explained here, and they will patiently and compassionately help you to slowly open up and feel okay about sharing your experiences.

Thank you for sharing here, as well. Really appreciated it.