I walked away. But I'm still very hurt. Have alot of guilt and shame. How can I heal?

One of my ways of coping are writing unsent letters.

Had FWB for 3 years. 3 months ago I blocked his number. No social media thankfully. That was on February 7. My birthday was a month later. He wrote me (via WhatsApp) he told happy birthday. I did say thank you but I blocked the number and deleted the message. Then I just deleted my while entire WhatsApp account. So he has no way to contact me. I just got to a bad point where I couldn't take it anymore. Emtionally I was so drained. It got really bad.

I know I need to let go of the guilt. it just won't happen, everyday, non-stop. It's out of my control. It's been so emtionally stressful even when we still were still "platonic friends". I have talked to numerous people about you. My sister, cousin, close friends, alot of advice websites etc.

My needs were never being emtionally fufilled by you. Foolishly, I had a "he doesn't like me in that way but it's okay, I don't need anyone to love me. I'm fine loving myself." It was incredibly one sided. It was always like that. Birthdays, holidays, you were laid off and had just got a new apartment and you were able to find another job in a few weeks so I gave you a gift for that. Made you some gifts for your birthday a few times. If I was to say what emotional void I was looking to fill within myself, I tried to do it through you. I loved you the way I wanted to be loved. Talk about stupid.

Your emtional blockage, it was so cold. How could I have feelings for you so bad?

Your bubbly attitude. Like very enthusiastic and upbeat. Great work ethic, the drive to pay off all your debt before 30. The random calls. I liked when you would call me out of nowhere just to talk. Nice sense of humor. I loved when you seemed to give a **** about me. Those power moves.

So much regret. October I went away unexpectedly. My grandfather had a heart attack. I used part of my rent money to go down there. My cousin drove and we agreed that I would ride back with her, I ended up not going back with her because she was staying an extra 3 days to go to Atlanta. The whole week I was there, you called me daily. I told you what happened, and you just sent me 200 outta nowhere. You told me you'd pick me up from the airport. I felt so loved by you. Finally seeing a more "softer, emtional part of you. You where right there waiting. Got out the car, kissed me, opened the door, took my bags. After years of your emtional emptiness, I felt like you finally cared about me. I was so easily controlled by your charm. That was my ****up. I let you get away with so much.

Those sob stories of you being hurt numerous times, cheated on, taken advantage of because you were so sweet. I don't even think that's real anymore. You got off on the power of having me at arms length. Why do I mistreat myself like this?

You always assured me of not wanting a relationship, but your mixed signals? Why? You brought me a sewing machine after I moved because my old one broke and having just moved I couldn't buy another one right away. He surprised me with it. Once again the emtional unavailability aside, you seemed so into me. The mixed signals, the mental strain I put on myself, just to have peices of you. Even if you never wanted me, when I pull away you persue. Knowing that I'm trying to let go. For someone who just wanted to see you happy, you were so cruel about it.

You always assured me that you DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. But they way you would show interest like you had feelings. Texting me though the day, randomly calling. But then a day would go by and you would just stop speaking to me for a week or two. Then you would contact me again as if you were picking up where you left off. It was emtionally draining. I always knew it was bs, but I still delt with you. Cause I cared so much to a point where, I didn't care about me anymore. I was so weak.

That blatant disrespect. When you picked me up from the airport someone called and you said "I'm with my cousin right now I'll be back home in an hour"

......I know ....I know. Admitting it is embarrassing, but I must acknowledge all the emtional strain.

Your manipulation. Towards the end of us being friends, I stopped stopped ****ing you weeks prior. I started speaking to you less because I couldn't do it anymore. You contacted me after a few weeks. We talked as normal friends. Then you asked if I wanted to come over and have sex. When I told you "No I don't wanna have sex with you anymore". I felt strong for once. You just glided over my response and kept the (text) convo going as if you didn't even read the message.

We still talked as platonic friends. One night you said you isn't gonna do relationships or fwbs anymore cause you don't wanna feel tied down. I ****ing said okay. You kept talking about it. You told me you wanna go to a sex club, but you're nervous because of your insecurities with your private area. Me being the moron that I was, I fell right into it, saying not to be nervous and your size is fine. You didn't need to **** me anymore. I was literally your project. After 3 years, I got to my lowest point of letting a man use me until I was completely dried up.

I was your therapist, your emtional support pillow, your confidant, your who stroker, your personal nut rag. I was a doormat and you took what you wanted. You never cared, you never loved me, you never respected me. That was my fault. it's my job to stand up for myself, but as a decent human being, it's your job to see someone who is falling for you deeply, realize that you will never reciprocate the love that you are taking, and to just say **** it and stop.

Once again, it was my choice to stay, come back numerous times cause cutting contact with you hurt too much. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and I hate myself for it. I have nothing left. I have stripped myself of all things positive, loving, and caring about me. I'll heal one day maybe. It pains me so much. In 3 years you got everything you ever wanted in a weak women. Now you get to move on Scott free, no more "being too emtional" no more mixed signals and still saying "I don't want a relationship"

I'm not even sure of what is what anymore. I wish I had the strength to comeback from this. I feel so torn up, so ashamed, so weak. And the worst thing is that I still wish you the best, I still hope that you're happy, and I still wish that you would care.

To whoever is reading, don't ever get to a low point and become weak like me. Ever.

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Please stop beating yourself up for walking away from someone who was not "there" for you despite all the effort you put into being "there" for them. Often we feel pain and can feel guilty for feeling pain when it's really not fair to ourselves to carry that kind of guilt. This individual told you he did not want a relationship, that meant he was never interested in being "there" for you and he WAS NOT there for you but constantly expected you to be his emotional dumping ground.

Maybe he remembered your birthday, but that was not for you, instead it was an invitation to allow him to pull you back into being his emotional dumping ground. I believe you gave him the kind of caring and attention YOU wanted yourself. The problem in this situation is he was not EVER interested in giving to you that way.

You need to learn to believe someone when they show disinterest or lack of genuine caring. Instead seek people who can actually appreciate you the way you deserve.

Dear Jamowi,

You've been through such terrible ordeals. It is heartbreaking just to read of them and I can't even begin to imagine what pain you have been through in living these things. Just heartbreaking. Wish I knew what to say to ease your pain. You deserve more and better from life!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen