Unbearably Sad

I have been crying all day. And I am not one to cry. The last time I cried was the first week of lockdown, nine weeks ago. This week has been tough. I realize I do not have a good support network AT ALL and I have too many problems. And have been completely isolated and alone for nine weeks now in an apartment I don't like to spend this much time in - usually I would be out and about. I was hoping to have a job by this time in 2020.


My conversation on the phone with my son did not go well today.

I wrote in my journal: Must bring down expectations of others to zero.

At the same time I want to raise expectations of self...with regards to self-care, finances, work, career, freelancing, moving, and basically being completely independent of others. I am disappointed with myself.

I lost a lifelong friendship this month (not my wish) and have not been getting along with family. Usually get along well with my son but this is my second breakdown day since lockdown began and he responds by getting angry at me and not validating my feelings.


I live alone. I have no friends or family nearby. I am not friends with any of my neighbors...because I never see them! I had plans for how to change this in 2020. I was going to be proactive, get out, work, make friends.

All plans for 2020 were dashed. I was sick most of 2019 with a respiratory illness, so am at a high risk for Covid 19.

Today called my local Crisis Hotline TWICE. I haven't been sleeping well, I am anxious and cannot get my doctor to give me something appropriate for anxiety. I am really tired of doctors giving me a hard time and not wanting to give medication for anxiety or sleeping because "it is better" to do without it. This has been an ongoing battle with my HMO. But now the anxiety can spike and cause extreme emotion.

That's all. My sadness was such I cried for about three hours off and on today. I am really lonely.


I am sad, angry, and not talking about some triggering stuff that happened this week WITH ANYONE. I don't have a therapist.

Have stopped crying but am too upset to eat and too upset to sleep.

Dear DechanDawa, It sounds like you're emotionally exhausted. So your emotions can't handle it all, just too overwhelming. And I think it helps sometimes to have a good cry & let it all out, all that burden, trying to hold it together. It's sad to hear you've been suffering like this. You are such a wonderful helper for others! I hope you're able to find a doctor or clinic that can help you. Hugs & love to you!!

Dear DechanDawa,

I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering this really heartbreaking ordeal. Wish I knew what to say that would make your pain go away. It is agonizing when so many awful things are going on at the same time.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thanks, Sweetie. I am feeling better today. I really need some medication for anxiety spikes...but for some reason my doctor will not give me correct medication. She keeps wanting to give me an SSRI when my main problem is anxiety not depression. You were right on...I was and still am emotionally exhausted...while feeling I can't afford to be...which creates more anxiety...a crazy merry-go-round. My HMO can be really irritating and unhelpful.

How are you doing these days?

Thank you, I am feeling better today. How are you?

I am glad you are doing better today. You know some medications that are traditionally used for depression, are sometimes used for anxiety and OCD.

My husband takes low dose of something that others might use for depression, but he was recommended if years ago as it helps with OCD symptoms, which subsequently helps with Tourettes. Well up to the point, the rest are just strategies he uses but medication takes edge off.

His dose is very low because he is afraid he’d not be able to function at work if he was too medicated. He has not and never had depression. I had two students with OCD and they were on exact same medication

. I don’t know what your doctor prescribed but could it work for anxiety disorder even though others might use it for depression?

The doctor before this one prescribed....Wellbutrin? (spelling?) for....I think it was supposed to be for depression? even though I told her I suffered mainly from anxiety... and it left me very agitated. I don't do well on these "brain" drugs. She was going to prescribe...Trazodone? but it has a long list of possible side effects.

I do fine on "as needed" diazepam but they simply won't prescribe it. I was taking the herb valerian for anxiety "as needed" and the doctor told me to stop because of possible damage to liver. Last night the nurse at my HMO advised me to take an antihistamine! Which I did for sleep but that doesn't seem appropriate during the day.


it's so amazing they found the exact right drug and dosage to help your husband. I wonder if he is taking trazodone?


I probably shouldn't say this but doctors prescribed me a low dose diazepam (valium) as needed...throughout my life. I never got addicted or had any side effects. Some times I would cut one 5 mg into four quarters...so that is 1.25 mg -- pretty low...but now this is a "big bad" drug.


I originally came on Psych Central as research because after my endocrinologist retired and I went to an HMO they refused to refill my diazepam prescription and I was kind of in shock. There are pros and cons from people on here. Used carefully and "as needed" it helped me navigate my life and get through anxiety spikes. Now they just leave me to suffer and the anxiety "storms" are really painful. Yesterday I cried all day. Today I am fine although exhausted.


I have what I call anxiety "spikes" although I guess I have always been kind of high-strung. But then, as you know, I come from a pretty dysfunctional family.

I just texted my older brother (the Saintly ex-Marine) and asked him if he thought I was the family scapegoat. He texted back one word. No.

But I don't agree. I think I am...because I always call out bad behavior in family members and in doing so rock the boat.



They now say just use behavioral therapy and exercise and meditation. I do all those. I have half a dozen books on anti-anxiety practices...but I don't think these medical professionals really understand anxiety spikes. Yesterday my body was shaking as if there was an earthquake inside my body!


Today I am fine. Go figure!!!

Citalopram (celexa).

He tried to live without meds most of his life but it became too difficult to maintain career as it got to the point that he had hard time leaving the house or had panic attacks (his OCD is mainly safety related), and his Tourette’s was out of control. It was before my time but I believe I understand what he means. Obviously he can’t completely get rid of symptoms. It’s too severe. But he functions great taking severity of it in consideration. He is pleased how celexa works out, no side effects either

Meditation and exercise and behavioral therapy are all good things but it depends on severity of people’s conditions and exact diagnosis, preferably confirmed by several professionals over the years.

Many people are misdiagnosed.

If you can manage with just those thing and without meds then it’s ideal. But it’s not always enough especially if it means person can’t maintain jobs and can’t properly function, then they need meds. It’s like any physical condition. I have some stomach problems that could be managed by a diet and no meds needed and there are people who can’t function it if they don’t take medication and there are people who might die if they don’t take meds. It’s not all size fits all.

I so totally understand this. Totally. I was in my 20's when my mother died and I think that is when the anxiety started to kick in...and diazepam literally saved my career at that time. So, yes, I totally get that. I was able to stay focused and be productive in the very fast-paced world of marketing. To me diazepam seemed like a miracle. I used it off and on...never daily. Just...as needed.


I am totally amazed the drug your husband uses is Citalopram. I was on that for...three days, I think...and I became suicidal! It was crazy. I kind of went insane on that drug and I have it on all my medical charts I am allergic to it. At a week I just stopped it cold. It had a very bad effect on me.

These drugs are...so crazy. The last thing Citalopram did for me was calm me down. I didn't sleep for three days. So weird that it works so well for him. It is really kind of mysterious!

I don’t think it’s mysterious.

Medications work differently for different people especially If it is not exactly same diagnosis. It’s very commonly used for OCD. I’d think might be used for other variations of anxiety disorders too, that’s I am not sure about. Like I said I know two other individuals on exact same meds also specifically for OCD. What you have and what my husband has are possibly entirely different things. He tried some other med years ago and it made him physically sick and nauseous so meds work differently. Celexa is known to have very few or no side effects.

It could be also working differently on you due to some symptoms of depression that you have in conjunction whth anxiety. He has no symptoms of depression, doesn’t tend to feel down and is generally very upbeat so maybe that’s why celexa works different on him, it just takes edge of OCD symptoms and slows down some Tourette’s. I guess people are all different. Certainly you shouldn’t take something that doesn't work for you

It’s not easy to find right meds. I wonder if your diagnosis is even accurate and consistent

The medical professionals don't 100% understand how these drugs work. I was being slightly tongue-in-cheek saying they are mysterious. I think if others find them helpful that is good. I will never take any of these kinds of drugs. SSRI's for me are like poison.

Your husband is lucky. There are many negative stories out there and on this site.

I don't have a standard clinical diagnosis.


I had a psychiatrist do an assessment and I trust his evaluation of me which was circumstantial related stress. I had a lot of hope for 2020 when Covid 19 happened. Others on Psych Central are going through similar stuff...and it is very frustrating. IDK. Maybe I should stop posting when I have a bad day. Perhaps it gives the wrong impression.

Considering that I have been completely alone in lockdown for ten weeks I think one day of being unbearably sad and crying is not too bad. Sadness is an emotion. That's all.


I am always generally peeved I cannot get a medication that works fine for me for anxiety spikes, with absolutely no side effects, because of revised industry standards. I also don't understand how many people here on Psych Central have this medication prescribed, no problem. So dispensing these medications isn't consistent. I find it very frustrating.


SORRY I feel like a witch. I am irritable, too, I should shut up. Sorry.
Think it might be time for me to take a little break from Psych Central.

You are fine, it’s a tough time. It’s understandable. It’s been going on too long

Personally if I didn’t have proper standard clinical diagnosis. I’d not touch any meds. Why are they even prescribing it? I’d try to get proper diagnosis. Maybe that’s why these meds make you sick, they aren’t proper meds for you

I am sorry I even brought up my husband as an example, I was just saying that certain anti depression meds work for other conditions. I didn’t know you don’t have a diagnosis. This is someone with true clinical diagnosis at a young age and repeatedly re-evaluated an re diagnosed several times in adult life by different teams of professionals. I mean his Tourette’s is visible and audible and his OCD is with visible observable obvious compulsions etc these things are obvious and could be bothersome ON meds, but he wouldn’t be able to work if he was off meds.

It’s not that he finds them helpful he NEEDS to be on them. My husband is supervisor RN in charge of a large hospital unit, no way he’d be ok without meds in this kind of job. Many people need to be on meds..

It’s like saying it’s “helpful” for one legged man to wear a prosthesis. He has to have it so he can walk. Or a person who can barely see its “helpful” to have glasses, he will run into a poll without them! I think we are just talking about different things. People with clinical diagnosis/disorder/illness/syndrome versus people needing occasional help. Not the same thing

If you want medication just for spikes of anxiety, some take Xanax which is highly addictive. And when people are going through something very stressful, they are sometimes prescribed lorazepam. I know that people who go through serious cancer treatment/chemo are often prescribed lorazepam, not just for sleep but for managing stress with cancer treatment. It’s not addictive and people come off it when it’s not needed anymore. Maybe that would work for you

This is a lonely time. Not easy.

You know some meetups have virtual gatherings and virtual book clubs/discussion. Or if you don’t find any fun ones, you can organize your own. I organize a book club through meetups, it’s a small group of women. I don’t want to do virtual so it’s on hold until pandemics are out but many people want virtual stuff. Join “girly book club”, they do virtual get togethers now during pandemics. I’d absolutely try that. Then you continue face to face when pandemics are over. It will be over one day

9 foods that help reduce anxiety

I am sometimes skeptical but people swear by certain foods helping with anxiety

About three weeks later:

I am not sure why I had such a big "meltdown" and started this thread. I think perhaps I was looking for outside help and it wasn't forthcoming. I became very discouraged. My family of origin is not very emotionally available. It is disappointing. I am also generally disappointed in my subpar health care provider. I am not one to play the mental health care merry-go-round of trying to find the right medication and the right therapist. I know the medication that works perfectly for me and if they won't prescribe it to hell with them. I spoke with two different counselors at my health care provider about my anxiety and both were useless. It's hard to believe these people have advanced degrees.

Fortunately I can get a little joy as a member of several online communities. I have always been part of online communities (others beyond this one - in areas of my many interests) and have online friends and enjoy communicating with them...but I never considered the Internet a replacement for real life connections. I am now in week 12 of quarantine by myself.

After the "meltdown" a few weeks ago I did what I always do...grit my teeth...and dug deep for inner reserves. I did a lot of writing including some freelance work, engaged in more physical exercise, and listened to a lot of music. I applied exercises from my anxiety workbooks and cognitive behavioural therapy workbooks.

This is a ridiculously tough time for everyone. I have now accepted that it is tough...and I simply don't have much support. It is what it is.

It seemed my adult son and I were both going through rough patches so it was hard while talking on the phone. He is in a major city and his girlfriend was joining many protests while he is uncomfortable being in big crowds and is not the kind of person to protest. There was a lot of violence and looting in his city. His girlfriend was on the phone constantly talking about the protests and organizing groups of friends to join more protests. It made my son very anxious - and I would also think a bit neglected. Hopefully now that she has gone back to work she has less free time to continually protest. My son also got into an accident while riding his bike to work. A motorcyclist ran into him. He wasn't seriously hurt but his expensive bike was wrecked and it ramped up his anxiety. I had to be there for him and put my own problems aside.

I take the herb valerian for anxiety sometimes but not often. I am a vegetarian but honestly don't feel any foods reduce anxiety. I don't feel any different since giving up meat and fish and becoming a vegetarian, and it has been several years. The only exception is non-alcoholic beer. I think the hops in non-alcoholic beer is calming...but certainly not enough to tame down a serious anxiety attack. I am trying to tackle problems as they come up. As I am all alone I need to strengthen my self-efficacy. I have recommitted to personal goals.

Mainly I am trying to avoid "meltdowns" as it is too hard to bounce back. I think I am handling things better. Thanks to all for your comments and suggestions.

It is great to accept things as they are.... no matter how hard they are. I am glad you are feeling more accepting and better overall. It's a hard time for all. There's blessings that can come from spending time alone and in solitude. I think it's there that we find our greatest gifts and strengths.

Thank you for this. I am not sure I recently found new gifts and strengths...but maybe I experienced fresh gratitude. For instance, I have very particular taste in music so it is nice to listen to whatever music I want without having to consider someone else. My ex always dominated the musical environment. Since my divorce I have created a vast collection of music...none of the ex's musical selections are represented!

I am vegetarian so am grateful I don't have to cook meat for someone else.

I am also very attached to news radio.

So I am grateful for these small pleasures.

That's wonderful. I see gaining gratitude as a gift. By gift I really mean blessings. It's a blessing to feel grateful for what you have.

Thanks again! I didn't see gaining gratitude as a gift...but you are absolutely right. It is a blessing.


I should add that it is probably best to distance from toxic people at this time. I had a few interactions with some very negative people and it contributed to my low mood.

Maybe you are right, HH, I am fairly resilient when left to myself.

Oh yes, distancing from negativity and toxic people is absolutely necessary for self preservation.

And yes, being grateful is definitely a blessing, and you are experiencing that now. Having gratitude for even the smallest things can bring a sense of greater peace and contentment in life.

And you know, when we're left on our own and when we're left to rely 100% on ourselves and ourselves alone, we can find that we can be far stronger than we ever may have thought. I think that's what I meant by strength can be found. It does build up one's strength to be alone, and it takes a lot of courage and fortitude. So perhaps this is strengthening you in ways that you didn't know existed.