Fear of being seen as annoying

This week has not been a good one for me. My moods have been all of the place, and I feel like I’m nothing but a bother even if there’s no basis for these feelings.

For example I like to process things before following through with tasks, instructions, or pieces of advice, but recently my folks act so disgruntled if I ask the same thing again just to clarify. Like I’m not allowed to make mistakes or go at my own pace.

What drives me off the wall is though I know my folks love me, and have my best interests, their advice is often what I take to be an attempt to change something in me. Like they say they don’t want me to come across as annoying to my friends, but that must also mean they feel the same way if they even bring that point up.

I’m more civilized and more mindful around my friends, but since I’m around my parents most days I’m around the people who often make me feel immature and not ready to face the real world.

Now that most of the friction this week has been about my parents not willing to clarify things that they’ve already said, I’m constantly feeling guilty and want to stick my head in the sand, and not speak unless I’m spoken to, as to not be a burden or bother to others.

Am I really annoying? How can I stop myself from feeling this way?

Dear DazedandConfused254,

I am very sorry that you are in this situation with your parents. There must be thousands or little and big things about you that your parents could value and appreciate. And if they could reflect on these things I think they would treasure you and feel so lucky and blessed to be your parents.

Sometimes people get "stuck" in a critical "could be better, but isn't better" frame of mind and lose their ability to appreciate and feel gratitude. When someone is trapped in the "could be better, but isn't better" frame of mind they lose half of the truth and reality because things can also be seen another way: "could be worse, but isn't worse!"

There are people who for whatever reason cause horrible destruction in this world. Prisons are full of such individuals although I do not know the whole story of what led them to this point and so I am unfit to judge them. But you are not such a person. You are not someone who perpetrates violent acts against others. In fact, you are far from being such a person and that is reason for your parents to feel blessed.

In the last 100 years there have been a couple of men who caused the destruction of tens of millions of men, women and children through campaigns of genocide and forced starvation. You have not caused the destruction of tens of millions of people, or millions, or hundreds of thousands, or tens of thousands, or thousands, or hundreds and so on. So you are far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from being such a person as those men. And that is another reason for appreciating and treasuring you as a human being.

And these are just two of thousands of things about you that others could appreciate and treasure. You have doubtless done countless little and big acts of bravery, intelligence, beauty and kindness in your life. These are things that others could treasure and appreciate about you.

Often parents are the way they are because in part of the way their parents were. And it is easy to get "stuck" and only be able to see how a son or daughter could be better and forgetting that they could be worse and are not worse. Of course we all could be better and that is a fact. But it is also a fact that there are other facts. It is also a fact that a person could be worse, but isn't worse. And that is a cause for rejoicing and feeling appreciation and gratitude.

Sometimes parents are afraid to praise their children for fear that it will go to their heads and make them arrogant. And sometimes parents were not praised themselves when they were children and lack the skills and frame of mind to praise others. I am certainly the last person on earth to judge your parents. They are also people who deserve to be treasured and appreciated for the thousands of wonderful things they have done in their lives.

Sometimes we have to become parents to ourselves and praise ourselves for what is good in us. This is a skill and takes practices. Life is a journey and sometimes it takes time to reach certain insights and turning points.

You sound like a very reflective and insightful person and I hope you will be able to find some peace of mind in your life and joy of living in spite of the difficulties you are experiencing with your parents. I myself did not always have a smooth road with my own parents so I can definitely feel for what you must be going through. I wish I knew what to say to smooth the path for you but sadly I lack such wisdom. I do want to wish you only the very best now and in your future.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

After getting sober I learned boundaries and I learned that I do not have to make someone elses' narrative my narrative. If some directly says to me "sarah you are annoying" in the old days I would have told them to go f**k themselves. Now, I might reflect it back to the person that said that to me. " I am sorry that what I am doing makes you have these feelings but this is where I am at right now" and thats it. They can either accept it or not but you would have done your part by addressing it. We can be sorry for our actions in the sense that we do not want to hurt anyone but we dont have to apologize for just being ourselves. Have you said anything? Like "You dont want me to seem annoying to my friends does that mean YOU think I am annoying?"

Thank you both yaowen and sweets for taking so much time to give me such thoughtful and encouraging advice at a time I needed it. With yaowen I highly value your ability to help me put my situation into perspective because due to both internal and external circumstances I really felt like I was devalued before coming here and that I could’ve been even just as bad as many other hypothetical situations with much worse people than me. You read me correctly in that often my parents get “too familiar” with me and I let them get away with too much even when it’s painful on the ears. My dad especially grew up in a family where he was often taught unintentionally to not question authority. But you bringing some positivity into my life is just what I needed, and maybe even speak up to my fam next time this comes up!

And thanks also to Sarah Sweets for sharing your experiences in order to relate to me. Since I friended you here I’ve always noticed that you’re an expert in relating with others. And I think I got my script ready!