I know she's allowed to have a boyfriend, but now I feel so embarrassed and angry

So I'm chatting with this friend from the office I used to work in... A friend I have feelings for. We would usually chat(and sometimes talk) into the night and stuff like that, and somewhere along the way, I kinda fell for her. I never told her that I have feelings for her, but the way we talked, she used to respond to me like a girlfriend... at least that's how it felt, anyway(even though I've never been in a relationship before, but I just know). Yesterday at about 12:30 or something she kinda has fun saying that she was talking to her boyfriend, but she actually wasn't even talking to a boy. And later, she tells me that she has a boyfriend and that it's been going on for four years. I know that I'm two years older than her and everything. But it Hurts... It seriously Hurts. I feel so embarrassed and angry at her or at the fact that she had a boyfriend and feet like crying. I've fallen for girls before, but not like this. I can't even chat with her properly now because of this... And I don't wanna lose her. I'm scared any communication with her now is just gonna burn this whole bridge down... But I'm also scared that the lack of communication is gonna have the same outcome. I just don't wanna lose her... Has anybody been through stuff like this before? Because I Do Not know how to deal with this stuff.

I had a crush on a guy in college once. He wasn't seeing anyone, but he wasn't interested in me in that way. It's hard when one person has feelings and the other doesn't. We ended up drifting apart.

My life got much, much better when I stopped chasing people I was infatuated with, but who seeemd not to be deeply interested in me as a person, and started putting energy into people whol really, actually love me. Now, I will not expend any energy whatsoever on any person who shows me less than a miinmum level of human dignity and respect. Screw them.

Don't waste time on people who are not reciprocating. Life is short. Find those who cherish you and hold onto them like they are the last things on this planet. At least, that is my perspective.

It sounds like you both have a good friendship and you won’t lose her unless maybe if you get angry at her and start a fight with her about her not telling you about her boyfriend sooner.

Why didn’t you ever tell her you had feelings for her? Are you very shy?

Moving forward, you can consider her a friend, same as always, but not a girlfriend. Maybe she will break up with her boyfriend sometime and you will tell her you’d like to take her out on a date.

But also start working on meeting new women and combating that shyness.

It sounds to me like she's been having an emotional affair with you. Where is this 4-year boyfriend when you're both talking into the night? How old are you both?

I see it as a red flag. Even if she were to leave him for you, chances are she'd be unfaithful to you, too.

How is it that you just learned this after all this time? If she wasn't forthright about it from the beginning, she was purposely hiding it.

All my friends and colleagues (male/female) know I'm in a relationship. It's no secret. She made it one.

I'm sorry you're hurt, embarrassed, and angry. To take good advice would mean to disconnect from her completely. I know it's not what you're wanting but I truly believe it's time to move on.

You sound young. You will meet other women you'll fancy and have strong feelings for. Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for a girl who gave you unlimited attention. It wasn't for the right reasons.

Sorry. This really sucks!

Well, bpcyclist, I don't know if she truly loves me or not, but it did seem like she was pretty bent out of shape whenever she thought she hurt my feelings. She felt so bad that I had to convince her for hours together that she didn't hurt my feelings. And this is coming from me, a person who doesn't chat with people all that much. Like very minimal text contact.I've had crushes where they didn't reciprocate the care I had for them, just like you said, but this felt different. She cared how I felt.

Whether I should continue being her friend like TishaBuv said, or be distant with her like MsLady suggested is gonna be really hard to decide. If only my aunt were doing better with her Melanoma treatment, I could have been a little less emotionally all over the place to think straight.

Thanks for the advice, TishaBuv. If it wasn't for this lockdown I would have told her that I have feelings for her. That Everytime I talk to her, I can be myself... Something that I do around very few women. That I feel like I don't have to try and impress her. I wanted to do this in person, after this whole lockdown was over; because you can't do stuff like this over text. But yes, other than that I'm very shy when it comes to expressing stuff. I lost a potential girlfriend in college even though she was kinda doubtful that I had feelings for her, and I stayed silent when she was telling her friend that I don't have such an opinion. I pretended like I didn't know what she was saying to him, since it was a different language.

I'm 24 and she's 22, I think. I guess the guy is okay with her taking to me. I asked her Why she didn't tell me earlier right after she told me, and she said "What's there to say about having a boyfriend? What's the big deal?" I can't exactly tell her that the Big Deal is that I wanted to be her boyfriend, now can I? Besides, it's only been six months since we've even started taking.

Now, she's a little more open with me about her boyfriend, and it makes my blood boil whenever I see that guy's name in my texts. So, at the very least, I'm hopeful that this was unintentional and she never saw me that way due to her having a boyfriend. But then again, maybe my judgement is clouded by thoughts of her. That's why I'm torn between staying her friend and disconnecting from her, like you said.

Today was much more painful. She sent me a picture of her with her little cousin brother, with his nickname being very close to her boyfriend's actual name. I lit up for about fifteen minutes thinking that she was playing me, and that she knew about me wanting to have a relationship with her. Then, she tells me that her cousin's name is something else other than the name of her boyfriend that she told me, and now I feel like an idiot... Again. It's like someone removed a band-aid over a fresh wound and then accidentally shot me in the same place they removed the band-aid.

I think you said it best... This Really Sucks!

Her attitude is confusing. “What’s there to say? What’s the big deal?” I don’t understand why she didn’t recognize that you were a potential romantic interest. You say she talked to you in a way that made you feel like maybe she felt something. Even if she liked you only as a friend, telling you about a boyfriend would be important to reveal. Either she is the most innocently naive person or she may have been leading you on.

Since she is causing you upset, I think I’d suggest too, to break from her. As they say, ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’, so keep meeting new women until the right one comes along.

I really want to think of it as her being naive and innocent, but here's what confuses me... I just remembered seeing that she had a crush on this guy in our office, which was about five months ago. And when I say "remember seeing her", I mean that she was giving him flying kisses. Also, even though she was speaking to me in that way, she would sometimes throw in the idea of me having a girlfriend that's not her.

Man, this is infuriatingly confusing

Update: She's mad at me for ignoring her texts and me trying to ignore her has now turned into me trying to make her cool down. Dang, that turned around fast.