Speaking up is a work in progress

I spoke up today about an issue at work. I expressed concerns that with the current work flow process, I am not able to complete some of my tasks. Rather than suggest ways to possibly change the work flow so that I can be included as a team member, my two coworkers directly stated that they are so busy that my issue is the last thing on their minds.

I stayed direct in my communication with them and kept my emotions in check. We are supposed to work as a team to complete the entire job and I emphasized that. I also stated that I would discuss this at the next monthly meeting because it’s a concern that needs to be addressed.

I’m happy (and surprised) I was able to maintain a clear head and continue to politely advocate for myself. My co-dependent side felt hurt, though, because I have been extremely helpful and supportive with these two team mates and I don’t receive the same in return.

I have some coworkers who really value team work and we all pitch in to help each other. I think I should just back away from the team work approach with people who clearly don’t care about team work and just care about themselves. Is it wrong to just keep away from them and not help them anymore when they ask? That is what I’m feeling like doing. I’m feeling foolish that I have been so nice and so helpful.

I might not have this posted under the right thread... but this topic of poor reciprocity, whether at work or in my personal life is deeply emotional for me. It’s something I would like to address much better so I don’t keep getting so upset.

I'm glad to hear you were able to speak up and advocate for yourself. It's challenging for a lot of people, especially in the work environment.

I had to learn to say no to helping others sometimes at my prior workplace, especially people that didn't reciprocate. I speak a language that my co-workers didn't, so they'd ask me to help with writing e-mails or making phone calls to the country where the language was spoken. In the end we were judged purely on ridiculous production statistics, so helping others hurt my numbers. The department manager loved to pit us against each other in terms of meeting the statistics. She did nothing to encourage teamwork or find a way so that assistance to others would be counted towards my numbers. Out of self-preservation I had to tell others that I didn't have time. The quality of the information we provided suffered, but no one seemed to care about that.

That’s exactly the situation for me. I have stopped what I’m doing to help them and I won’t do it again. This is a mistake I keep making. I just naturally start being helpful to people at work and it takes me a little while to figure out when people aren’t the kind to reciprocate. It doesn’t happen in my personal life nearly as much anymore. I think it’s easier to be vigilant and put boundaries in place in my personal life. In work relationships it’s more difficult because there’s an expectation that people will work as a team. Thankfully instead of getting upset with them, I was very nice but my relationship with them has changed going forward. I don’t want to feel like I’m carrying resentments against people... that part is my responsibility. If I put the boundaries up in the first place there is nothing to resent.

I'm glad you were able to assert yourself and say something to your coworkers, that's great!

I do not see any problem with you backing off and not being as helpful to the people who don't also want to help YOU.

Also, I might suggest that when you bring your concern again to the table in the next monthly meeting, that instead of presenting the problem, present a solution to the problem. You can mention that it's an inefficient workflow, and here's a better way to make things far more efficient. Employers like solutions, not problems.

And good for you for remaining calm while presenting the issue to your co-workers! Another thing to know is that often in a work environment, people do not reciprocate. They look out for themselves mainly. Unfortunately, it's the way it is in many work environments, if not most. Some people are great team players, and others are not. Many people are just takers and will take what they can get from everyone else.

Always good to look out for yourself, while navigating tricky waters and politics. So kudos to you. (((hugs)))

Everything you said here is exactly right and I don’t understand why I don’t just accept that this is the way people usually are. I keep working on boundaries and I just keep struggling with it. I guess I believe friendliness at work equals trust and that is often not the case.

Your suggestion is a good one about presenting a solution with the work flow process. I will definitely do that at our meeting. I will also keep that in mind for future problems and how I present them at meetings.

Today one of those coworkers asked me if I was upset with them and I didn’t know what to say. I’m usually friendly, talkative and helpful. Today I was just quiet and I kept to myself. I didn’t feel comfortable telling her the truth so I said I was just really busy trying to meet all my deadlines. I plan to just always be busy meeting my deadlines and keeping a comfortable distance from now on. We are social distancing anyway so this is a good time to work a bit harder on my boundaries.

Thank you so much for your help.

It sounds like you have made positive progress with having healthier boundaries.

You're most welcome, and I hear you. I've had a tendency to believe that people were like me, but that is sooo not the case. I am the hardest worker in my whole department -- I've seen how many people prefer to slack off and not work hard. I have a very strong work ethic, and it's taken me years to learn and realize that the average person does not have a strong work ethic.

So you're learning an important lesson on the realities of the working world. Many people are selfishly oriented and lazy and could care less about helping out a co-worker, let alone taking on any extra work to help out. They care more about doing the bare minimum needed to get by and not be fired. Then there's the ones who backstab to get ahead, and the ones who will throw someone else under the bus in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own mistakes. Unfortunately, this is just the way many people are.

It does suck, but you're learning important rules and lessons about maintaining strong boundaries so you don't get trampled on and taken advantage of. It really is a dog eat dog world, and we really do have to look out for ourselves at work.

And if someone asks if you're upset and you are? You are not required to answer them. And you don't have to be nicey nice with them, especially if they're doing something you don't like. That shows boundaries.

Hugs to you.

Good news! It definitely gets better with practice.

I also think your approach to discuss it at the upcoming meeting is a good idea for the team. I suspect their insensitivities had to do with feeling the same way as you. They sounded overwhelmed, too. Definitely speak with the project manager. Good luck!

I'm not sure if keeping away from them is a useful idea if you're on the same team. Maybe the upcoming meeting might clear a few things up about the workload.. and then go from there.

It does sound like you have made positive progress re healthy boundaries