overwhelmed

i feel like i'm falling apart. i mean, it's probably just a feeling right? i think every issue i have is just something i should get over or probably just something i should forget about.

i mean, negative thoughts don't help right? but that fact doesn't get rid of them. they still spin around. and my body wears out from exertion before the thoughts give up. my body is often spent while my mind rages on.

is this even worth it?

just let it have its fun. see how low i can go.

i wouldn't mind most days. i'm still fighting the urge to just give in, more and more. yet, it still looks like i am giving in.

i've never had anyone point out that i wasn't acting right when i've gotten depressed. really, i think people don't normally want to notice such a thing as it's a massive inconvenience. well, people have pointed this episode out.

according to some, i'm refusing to acknowledge that i am depressed. yet, i have others saying that i've given into the depression. ha, i can't even ****ing digest any of what people tell me.

they keep asking if i'm okay. well, by all physical accounts and financially.. i'm fine. so that's what i say. i'm fine. i'm okay. i'm managing.

it isn't a lie. no one wants to hear when i'm having a problem. until they do.. and then people are mad when i'm not in the mood.

it's just a moodswing anyway. so really, who should actually give a ****? why should anyone stop to care about this? why should anyone actually try to help this time?

just because they notice doesn't mean what transpires after will help or will even be good for me. i suppose i'm simply surprised that people are even asking me if i'm okay. most episodes, no one does, and i assume it's because i do a good cover up.

i just haven't had the energy to care to cover anything up this time. i'm ****ing stressed. i have to get a job or i'm ****ed. ssi denied me (i do get a small monthly sum from ssdi but not nearly enough to cover monthly expenses). i want to drink and smoke away all of this ****ing stress, but i know that isn't how this will go away.

i'm gritting my teeth trying to stay strong

but i'm fine. all of these problems are small. all of them don't really matter in regards to the goals i need to achieve.

i dedicated myself to someone who needs me. i'm honest with her and she's worried, but really, i'm more worried for her. i can't crumble now, not when she's sliding down. i'm not saying i don't need her while she's this way. that's not how a relationship works.

i don't want focus on me. no one will like what they see.

Much love to you, my friend