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Cookiecrush
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 01:25 AM
  #1
I've been trying to deal with my emotions about my emotionally abusive father. They swing around a lot. Sometimes I can't stand to be around him, and fantasize about his death. Other times I just avoid him and have a general dislike. But those emotions are ones that I have managed to find ways to cope with those feelings (usually avoiding him). But for some reason my new feelings are more complex. I feel both that same lack of care, but I'm also beginning to feel guilty when I'm around him. I've done things that I regret and things I shouldn't have done but this guilt is leeching into almost every small interaction with him. The second I walk away from all but ignoring him I'm hit with this guilt.

What should I do?
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 09:43 AM
  #2
Do you have a therapist? That may be a good first step to help you learn to cope with your mixed emotions around your abusive father.
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indigo1015
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 09:48 AM
  #3
I agree with Motts, I think talking to a counselor or therapist is a good next step. It sounds like you are very aware of your emotions and are coming up with some coping skills on your own (which is amazing, btw), but at this point it might help to have an outside person who can be a sounding board and can offer another perspective.
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 10:07 AM
  #4
Exactly what indigo1015 suggested. While it is great that you are so in tune with your emotional state of mind and have strategized your own coping skills, those skills are not actually helping you overcome the turbulent emotional rollercoaster you feel on a daily basis around your abusive father being in your life. You need a therapist to facilitate some CBT and DBT (cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy) techniques to help you cope with all of those swinging emotions, so that they stop controlling your life (because emotions can overtake reason, if allowed).

You need to approach you reasonable state of mind and emotional state of mind as a "cause and effect" relationship. DBT teaches with a VennDiagram that the reasonable mind weighs the pros and cons of situations. The emotional mind simply reacts to situations, like an internal reflex (think of, when your doctor hits your kneecap to test your reflexes and your knee automatically flexes your leg). The WISE mind is when the reasonable mind and emotional mind link together to respond to situations in a more balanced way.

That is why I strongly suggest you seek out a therapist who can teach you CBT or DBT skills to help you deal with your relationship with your abusive father.
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Cookiecrush
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 03:01 PM
  #5
Thanks guys. I admit I'm nervous about meeting a therapist, I've had a couple of councillors who have not turned out very well for me. I have been to CBT training though for anxiety and depression, which my city has free classes for. I'm just a little nervous about being alone with a councillor or psychologist considering I've had some really judgmental or nasty insinuations come from them.
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 03:20 PM
  #6
What nasty insinuations and judgments did your previous counselors make about your situation with your abusive father?

That is great that you have access to free CBT training classes for anxiety and depression.

I would keep trying to find a more compatible counselor for yourself. You cannot do this alone. That is the role of the counselor, to facilitate your healing through discussion and practical application of various CBT approaches to your life problems.
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BLUEDOVE
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 04:08 PM
  #7
There is good chance that the 'guilt',is in fact,coming from the child inside you who STILL longs for love from father.
But YOU in here and now must communicate with that child,and let her know things have very much changed.
I got this advice long time ago when had similar situation: "Love the one you're with". (Dear Self).
Kind Regards,
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Cookiecrush
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 05:42 PM
  #8
None of them were about my dad, but one of my previous councillors suggested that me and my sister were incestuous, and another started asking about who diagnosed me asexual and if I was on medication for it etc.
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Cookiecrush
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 05:46 PM
  #9
But you guys are right, I shouldn't let those bad experiences (as bad as they were) stop me from still trying to get help. It has been over two years since I've seen a councillor so maybe I'll have some better luck this time.
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 05:48 PM
  #10
Well, counselors can only go by the information that they're given by their clients. What did you tell the counselors about your relationship to your sister? That you two slept together in the same bed? That you two kissed each other? I highly doubt your counselors would make up something like that without first being told information about your sister by you only. Did your father sexually abuse you and your sister? Is that why you are asexual?
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Cookiecrush
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Default Jun 28, 2020 at 06:05 PM
  #11
I was never touched by my father and neither was my sister. Asexuality is just my sexual orientation just like I'm attracted to both males and females. I had just started with that councillor and was just rambling about my life when I brought it up and her first words were which doctor had diagnosed me and if I was medicated for it.

The comment from the councillor about the incest I actually don't remember what had lead up to it, that was five years ago and I was in uni across the country. I was really badly homesick, and concerned about my mom and sister because my sister was going through a rough time with her mental illness.
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