I'm Tired

I'm tired of barely being able to make ends meet. I'm tired of being nagged by my dad about getting married and having kids. I'm tired of where I live. I'm tired of constantly starving myself during the day and then bingeing at night. I'm tired of feeling like ****. I've had enough. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, honestly-- and to be fair, some of this stuff is easily fixable. For example, I could NOT starve myself during the day. I could stop talking to my dad or at least tell him I'm tired of being needled about marriage and kids. I'm just tired of fighting. This seems like a massive uphill battle.

Since you live with your dad, is there a way you can set boundaries with him?

When he nags you about getting married (that's his projection about what he thinks is best for you because of how he was raised), you can set the boundary of respecting his feelings (even though you disagree with him) and not caving into his demands. You can say something similar to, "Thanks Dad. I know marriage and family is important to you. I'll think about it."

This way, even though you DON'T agree with your dad, you set the boundary of not emotionally responding to him anymore. If he asks you 3 times a day to get married and have kids, you can just repeat that exact same response to him. Over time, he'll learn that you won't emotionally react anymore and he'll either stop nagging you, or he won't. But you won't change your response because that is your boundary with him. Does that make sense?

Setting boundaries with people is meant to protect YOU from overreacting and getting manipulated into arguing with the other person. It shows the other person that you respect yourself enough, to where you don't need to engage in an argument or discussion with the other person because you are secure with your own beliefs and values.

I just read in your other thread that you are a 30-something Millennial with your own job, and your own condo. Now that i have that context, your dad nagging you to get married, is because he expects you to follow the traditional family pattern. That's what most dads want for their daughters. But, like i suggested, use that phrase with him to set your boundary. The way you phrase it, respects his desire for you to get married and have children (even though you don't want that) without you having to remind him that you don't agree right now with him. And it avoids the two of you getting into an ongoing father-daughter fight about it. "Thanks dad. I know family is important to you. I'll think about it." Either make a joke afterwards if he still nags you, to lighten the mood, or just say it, then change the subject. Do that consistently and eventually your dad will stop bugging you and you'll stop reacting or feeling like he's baiting you (he's not he is just being a typical dad).

Thanks for the feedback Motts, but that kind of communication won't work on him. He's emotionally stunted and very obtuse; you really have spell things out in a very direct way to make him actually listen. But I agree with you that I need to set boundaries with him. Big time. Although I don't live with him (he's in a different part of the country), he still is very important to me. But you have to communicate with him very, very specifically to make him actually listen.

Ok, but despite your dad being obtuse an emotionally stunted, you have to create a phrase that communicates your boundaries to him. He doesn't have to be emotionally mature or not obtuse to hear it.

If that phrase example doesn't work for you, then try to come up with a phrase you can put on 'repeat' as a response to your dad nagging you to get married and have a family. And stop worrying about how he'll receive it. That's not your goal. Your goal, is to set a boundary as a protective barrier to your dad's misguided attempts to connect to you.

I understand that and completely agree with you that I need to communicate effectively to him, all I meant to convey was that the example you gave wouldn't work.

Oh, that's fine it was just an example. .

I mean, your goal shouldn't be to get through to your dad. Your goal needs to be "this is my boundary you can't cross." Whether he chooses to hear it or not is up to him, not you.

Before my mom developed dementia, she was very critical of me. So, I had to come up with protective responses. It actually helped me stop getting emotionally triggered.

Even now with her dementia, she is still critical when she has her lucid moments. I still use my protective responses with her knowing she won't even remember. But it helps me in the long run.

The thing you know is, you can't change your dad's personality or how he chooses to communicate with you or treat you. But you can control how you choose to receive his communication and treatment with verbal boundaries.

Just be consistent. He'll either respect your boundaries or he won't. But you have to set them in place for your own mental well being. Then you won't feel so emotionally exhausted after an interaction or encounter with you dad.

Very true Motts. I appreciate your feedback. And I agree that I have to do this for my benefit, not his.