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Old 06-29-2020, 06:47 PM   #1
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Trig Shame Storm

I'm in a shame storm right now. I'm telling myself, that I can't change, and I"m a fence sitter. I got too close to acting on how miserable I was and almost meet someone in my own home. What was I thinking??? Now I'm saying I'm unlovable, that I should just get off the fence, make a choice to do something, rather than just sit there. I spent an hour on the couch sleeping to not deal with what is going on inside me. I want to avoid what makes me uncomfortable. But avoiding sometimes leads to worse actions/thoughts.

On Thursday, I had a session with my therapist and I expressed how I needed help for my addictive behaviors and working on change. He came up with seeing someone in the substance abuse part to treat my addictive behaviors. I know I need help, and I"m scared to make the changes, and I'm unhappy where I am, on the fence.

I feel split into two parts, and neither is winning. When I got up this morning, I thought I would have a good day. And here I am at 4:36 pm feeling like I'm worthless. I look at people who have beat their mental illness, and think "Can I be one of those? or am I stuck forever? What the heck do I want in life??" I spent time yesterday working on goal setting but nothing seemed quite right. I read a friend's blog and discovered how she changed her life. I know it's possible but am I worth it?

I feel like I have nothing to offer the world, that I'll be working for others for the rest of my life. That I'll be in treatment for depression, anxiety, the occasional psychosis, and addiction forever. And I think of how far I have come, and I feel like I want to give up on my dream of helping others and stay where I am. But the truth is I'm miserable and I want to be free of the pain of life.

I had a groundbreaking session on Thursday, and now I feel like it was for nothing. Because of the shame storm. I live in fear, and I don't want too anymore, but I don't see a way out. I'm scared to put myself out there to date, because every time I try, I"m reminded of my addiction. Then I get sucked into the storm again. Am I that messed up? Can I make daily effort to overcome my mental state? Can I let the past be in the past and forgive myself? Am I worth forgiving?
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Old 06-29-2020, 10:17 PM   #2
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Default Re: Shame Storm

I am so sorry you are struggling, puzzer--

I used to teach a course on shame resilience. The book I used as the lesson plans basically is called I Thought It Was Me, But It Isn't, or words to that effect, by the University of Houston empathy researcher Brene Brown. I very strongly recommend you order that book tonight and begin to work through it. It is very simple, yet powerful. I am happy to assist in any way, should you ever think that useful potentially. It is an outstanding tome on shame, what it is, how it works, and how to move past it, most important of all.

Hugs!! You can get through this. But you will need to do a little work.
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Old 06-30-2020, 10:34 AM   #3
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Default Re: Shame Storm

I've never heard the term 'shame storm' before but I can definitely relate to it. I get 'shame attacks' that can last for a day, like intrusive thoughts of self-deprecation. It's terrible, almost physically painful. But I do know it will pass and that's the only thing I use to help me cope, is the knowing that all those negative self thoughts will pass and then I'll go back to being more okay with myself again. Maybe that happens with you too @puzzclar? Then you can reset your sights on your goals again.

There's really nothing to forgive as you haven't done anything wrong, friend. It's all the mind.
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