Trouble coping with disagreements among other things

Hello all. Long time no see. I hope everyone has been doing well since I know so many things have been happening.

I thought I was doing well but today kind of triggered something for me.

I was having a convo with a friend. It wasn't a heated convo but it had to do with race (I'm Black, by the way). So I took it personally, especially since other people who I spoke to kind of disagreed with me.

The issue is that I've noticed I get angry and hurt when people disagree with me. I feel really stupid and I then feel like my opinion is wrong and doesn't matter. Right now, I just don't feel like speaking to anyone about anything for the coming weeks and I always get like this when situations like this arise. I think another part of it is that I'm so used to not feeling truly heard that, when people disagree with me, it makes me feel like they're not seeing where I'm coming from and it just triggers me a lot.

I'm aware I'm projecting and that just makes me feel even more stupid and angry. I have a lot of repressed anger and I just repress my feelings in general.

I guess I just feel like an idiot who has a different opinion from everyone else and I feel stupid for having the "wrong" opinion. I know I only view it as wrong because everyone else disagreed with me but still. All of these feelings are directed at myself. I'm so ashamed of having my "wrong" opinion that I just want to hibernate for a week or two.

It's not "They're so stupid for not agreeing with me. How could they?". It's "I'm so stupid for not agreeing with them and now they think I'm stupid and dramatic and now they have a bad impression of me and I'm a bad person and I'm immature and what good am I..."

I haven't had therapy in a while due to insurance changes and me just not wanting to be vulnerable again after seeing a couple of therapists. However, I know I need it now.

I'm angry at myself because I just feel like a little kid. I thought I had improved a lot but it times like these that have made me feel like I haven't. I'm only more self-aware, which I guess is a good thing but...I don't know.

Part of the issue is also my repressed emotions. I let out my emotions in short bursts, if that makes sense, and then I just become rigid and stoic again. It's not a healthy cycle.

Has anyone else ever felt like this before when it came to dealing with people who have a difference of opinion? Has anyone ever repressed their emotions and, if so, how did you stop repressing them?

If you made it this far, thanks a lot for reading. I know it was all over the place but it means a lot.

Stay safe, everyone!

Seriously, I feel this way all the time. I get very frustrated when I encounter people who don't agree with me, to the point that I've developed the habit of never ever discussing anything "contentious" unless I'm with someone I know holds the same views--or a good friend with whom I can communicate and who isn't too emotional. The frustration for me comes from lacking the knowledge to back up my opinions. If I felt like I could refer to all the exact sources that have led me to my opinions, I'd be willing to fight with people head on. And it's not like these people are referencing exactly where their opinions come from. But often, I'm dealing with people who are at least as ignorant as me, often more, and who also argue with so much emotion that I just don't dare engage.

When you're in a situation where you really disagree with someone, maybe you can express that without necessarily inviting a heated argument? Like "I have to say I really disagree with you, but this is a contentious subject and I'd prefer to stop the whole discussion."

For myself--there are only a few subjects about which I feel very strongly. I try to be educated about them. Once you appear knowledgeable on a subject, people often back off.

Hi there. What you said makes a lot of sense but just to clarify: this wasn't really a disagreement based on knowledge. It was a "Which is better: apples or oranges?" kind of discussion. It wasn't a heated argument, like I mentioned in my post. It was just an "agree to disagree" discussion.

So, for me, the frustration comes up from past issues of not feeling as if I'm being heard. I sit back and try to see where the other person is coming from and then I try to be neutral but I still just feel like a kid who wasn't listened to sometimes. I know it's a lot of projection going on. So when I say a "wrong" opinion, I don't mean it's "wrong" in terms of facts. I mean it's "wrong" because it's different. And, by logic, just because your opinion is different from everyone else's doesn't mean it's wrong but my mind just makes me believe it is.

I try to have convos with people who have the same and different views as I do because it's good for growth and it helps you see things in a different way. I just have a lot of work to do on myself and I have to understand that it's okay if people disagree with me and vice versa.

Thank you for your response!