Life Lessons and Boundaries

HaveHope, thank you for posting this information. Every thing you described makes sense. It took a life threatening event to change my view on life. I experienced a lot of trauma and felt negative, unhappy etc. After this life threatening event, I woke up one day and realized no more. I cut contact with family bullies, doctors treating me poorly etc. I gained weight and could not lose it. I figured it was intolerance to certain foods, cut back on sugar, and exercised. I dropped almost 50 pounds. I'm working on dealing with certain situations; fearful, anxious with doctors.
The life threatening event made me realize I have strength. People make insensitive remarks about the event; it use to hurt. I would literally experience a meltdown when I arrived home. My feelings have changed to how dare you, screw you, I did something right- I'm alive. My internal talk-I do not say it out loud to insensitive people.

I used to be a far more negative person -- this is many many years ago - like 15 years ago. I was always positive-minded and forward thinking, but negative life circumstances dragged down my mental health and therefore, my ability to feel truly positive about life. I had some bad jobs back then that made life immensely difficult for me. I struggled financially. I struggled personally. I had a string of unstable romantic relationships. Life was unstable overall for me back then. Nothing seemed to be working well in my life, in all directions.

So I made a big change and moved across country. I had had enough. So I went on a grand adventure on the other side of the country for the next four years. And things started to shift within me during that time. I became far stronger, and I found myself again. I pursued a passion and professional interest of mine. It did not work out in the end, but I am glad I pursued it at the time. And I kind of grew up over this time period.

I returned back home with not much money and only a small part time consulting gig. I had to live with my parents for a while.

But I worked very hard at my career. I sweated it out to gain greater traction and momentum forward. I landed a full-time job, then less than a year later, I was able to double my salary, then three years later, I moved up again and increased my salary by 20K. I worked very hard at my career in order to learn, progress and move upwards.

All the while and over these years leading up to the present, something dramatic changed within me. I learned through ALL my travels, my adventures, my personal and professional endeavors that I just want to be -- and need to be --- surrounded by positive-minded and supportive people in my life - at all times.

I started weeding out those who were unhealthy and toxic for me. I let go of one friendship of seven years (about 5 years ago) because the friendship was one-sided and I was feeling far more negative than positive after almost every interaction with this person. And my life improved greatly after severing the friendship.

And now that I am nearing 50, I have realized that what is most important to me is to have positive, supportive and nurturing friendships and the same within my larger social circle.

I now have a social circle that is very loving and nurturing. I LOVE this group of people. I have never met more loving people in my entire life. I am SO thankful and grateful that I met this group. I always feel so amazingly good after every interaction with anyone from this circle.

And I realized a secret recipe for my true happiness is to always be surrounded by people that are positive and nurturing -- and to pursue those activities in life that are positive and nurturing.

Now my new challenge and task ahead is to learn how to extend that within the workplace.

Let me re-phrase --- I have very positive relationships with people at work, generally speaking.

However, I created a conflict with my former boss, by accident and quite naively without realizing what I was doing. And that caused problems for me. And as it turns out, my former boss could possibly be a narcissist. He has an enormous ego, he can do no wrong, and he doesn't own up to any mistakes. Instead, he passes the buck and throws people under the bus in order to get ahead. He's a sleaze bag in other words. There's no way around it. And I was not the only one he singled out. I had heard complaints from others about him.

But now, I want to learn how to get along in the workplace with difficult people and difficult personalities. I want harmony and peace in my life in all ways. I don't want to cause waves, but I also want to maintain strong boundaries and not allow work bullies with big egos to push me around. I want to be nice, but I also want to give off that vibe of "don't F with me!".

So I wonder how that is achieved? Is it confidence? Is it not coming across as such a people pleaser??? Is that what accomplishes it? Confidence and an inner strength that shows and comes across to others without having to say anything?

This is my new challenge and life lesson ahead. I still have a lot of personal and inner work to do.... it's never ending. This job of self improvement.

So now I want to learn how to give off the vibe of "don't F with me" at work. Since I am now unemployed, I have loads of time to figure it out so I can do better next time.

I don’t know if you necessarily want to give a vibe “don’t f with me”. People don’t usually like coworkers with that attitude. Confidence is important in all aspects of life but I believe we can still be kind and loving at work

I think it’s important to help each other at work. We do all the time but I think it’s important to examine why. If we help because it’s for the common good and benefits everyone and it’s give and take responsibility or because we are in a mentorship role etc then it’s all good. If we help others because we don’t know how to say “no” or we want to be liked and are people pleasers then it’s a problem.

In my experience certain type of people are disliked and are considered problematic in work environment.

Complainers (we have one who threatened to file grievances at least once weekly and was in the office with complains weekly, it was always something).

Bad team players (wouldn’t consult with a team and wouldn’t cooperate and wouldn’t care about team spirit, undermined others and only cared about how they come across) .

Lazy and unwilling to learn (always ask 1000 questions because they aren’t willing to learn and just want others to answer and do their job, they also never go above and beyond).

The ones that don’t accept responsibility (don’t take criticism and nothing is ever their fault).

Drama queens or kings (create or perpetuate drama)

Oh ok I thought maybe it’s helpful to recognize those personalities.

I think the way to deal with them is to remain strictly professional, focus on job tasks and maintain appropriate distance from them and not lose your cool.

We had someone written up at work once because she just couldn’t handle this difficult person (one that always complains) and lost her temper. At the end she got in trouble for losing her temper in response. I only know she was written up is because she is my friend at work, I’ve no idea if the difficult one faced same consequences

If the difficult personality is your boss all you could do is remain professional, focus on your task, keep your distance (when appropriate) and keep good documentation to cover yourself. I think. Not sure. I never really had difficult bosses but I had difficult coworkers. Distance and professional demeanor at all times is the way to go imho

Yesterday I was proud of a task. Due to many negative interactions with medical professionals and staff I always assume their anger, snarly attitude etc is all to do with me. I phoned my surgeons receptionist mentioning my swelling, do I need to come in., suggestions. She was slightly snarky and automatic response would be oh no its me.. If the other surgeon at your recent follow up was not concerned its probably nothing. She explained email her photos next week if not improved, she will show surgeon. I did not feel as anxious.