Night thoughts

I don't know if I'm able to bond correctly. Or, rather, if I've developed bonds correctly. I've been treated like **** a lot. Even by ppl in my own family.

I knit. A few years ago, my aunt asked me to knit her a skullcap. I didn't know how to knit a hat and wasn't in the headspace to learn. This past January, I knit her one. I texted her w the picture and told her I knit it for her. She didn't want it and said so. What bothers me most is that I tried to shrug it off. And did. I just said "ok." Like it wasn't a complete ****y thing she did to me. It took me a long time to knit it. She's not knit worthy. She's not worthy of my time either. This all just came up tonight for me.

I think my family is very messed up. I'm messed up. There's no bonds. If any of them died I'd likely be surprised, and sad with some, but I would not grieve. My Mom is the exception (though even my mom and I have a somewhat complicated relationship. She bullied me in college and was very controlling and is still invalidating when I'm upset at times, though she's grown a lot since my college days). I want relationships where I really care and love the person. Even my friends.....I don't have any friends like that.

I actually do care. I just wonder if it might not be me, and if it might be my family that's the problem. Though, it could be me. I am the common denominator here. I just don't think its all me. I think its my family, too. They are messed up.

I'm more affected by rejection, than by someone dying. I've been hurt a lot. I had low self esteem for a long time.

Maybe I will Google some things. I'd like to change this......

Also I'm ready for Covid to be over.

I just want to know someone who I love. And I'd be like, so sad if they ever died. Who doesn't hurt me. And who is a good fit for me. And I them.

I've reached out to my extended family here and there. They are cordial, nice, which is nice. I think I'm just saying I care. But I don't know how to get closer. And I'm scared. I'm also not sure they're capable of it.

I used to have a friend at school who was obsessed with jazz music. I wasn't a fan of it, (still not really fan), but it was his birthday and I wanted to get him something.

anyway: I managed to find him a box set cd called the a-z of jazz
and the first thing he said to me when I gave it to him?
oh I have all these artists on other albumns

and I'm thinking oh wow. how was I to know that. I just got you a 6 cd box set of jazz music, and I know nothing about jazz. you could at least thank me for the effert.

but nothing

I am sorry with what you went through with your family.

honestly my whole family are

Thanks rv. Re the jazz cds comment, that's really ******. I feel like comments like those are for children. Adults who do it are just terrible. And red flags.

I actually feel like my friends hold *me* at a distance. I'll write more later.

I'm feeling better. I mean, the stuff I was thinking and feeling last night is very valid. And I think I'm going to pull away from that particular aunt. I also think some if this has to do with the isolation of covid. I also feel better after having gotten some interaction today.

I'm thinking about applying to volunteer at an animal shelter. I already volunteer with a couple orgs. Its not a lot though. I'd like to do more. I'm also going to start the process of looking for a job. It was what I wanted before covid. I feel ready.

I'm sorry 😐. I can relate to you-. Rejection feels worse than death, thankless family and bonds. I was the scapegoat of the family.

I think volunteering at an animal shelter is great. Important to do something you love and enjoy.

Hugs to you Christmas cookie. Yes rejection messes people up, its a terrible feeling, and its insidious. The rejections I've experienced have stuck with me. When it comes from family, that's developmental. It affects a person's development, outlook, personality too probably. I like to think that there is hope, change, and love and belonging for everyone who has experienced the life changing affects of it in childhood and young adulthood. In my experience, therapy has not helped me in this way. But I still have hope. Covid is helping me realize what is important to me. That 8 month old memory of my aunt not wanting the hat that she asked for, I'd buried it. I have to think it came up for me for a good reason and I feel empowered a little. There are things I want in my life and things I don't want in my life. That starts with me. I saw a quote on pinterest recently that went something like "I just woke up one day and decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore, or ever again. So I changed." We have the power to set boundaries with people in our lives. We have the power to not interact with certain people or even groups of people if we don't want to. I don't know how I'm going to stick to not talking to my aunt. She texts me sometimes. That's it. All I have to do is not text back. I considered telling her how it made me feel. But it was 8 months ago. I don't know if it's still....like I do not think she would take it well. She is kind of messed up.


Thanks for the encouragement re volunteering.


I hope you are taking care of yourself during this time of covid and the things you've been dealing with yourself.

It really is hurtful when someone doesn't react positively to a gift we gave them. Especially when there was love and thought put into that gift. It can feel like they are rejecting the giver as much as the gift although that might not always be the case.

I think you are right, the restrictions and anxieties this year have shook so much up within relationships, for ourselves and others. I do try to remember 'be kind' but sometimes it's difficult!

Hope you are doing okay today and good wishes for your plans. We all need things to motivate us and to look forward to.