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Member Since Nov 2019
Location: Mars
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#21
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TishaBuv
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#22
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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TishaBuv
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#23
Now I’m embarrassed that I went off. I am certainly half the problem and I know it. My therapist told me to not allow feeling shame to bother me (or something like that).
I stay because I really do want to, though I want to be at peace here (not even shooting for happy per se). I keep trying to end the relationship and run away because I have an anxiety disorder. There is no doing that in reality and I know it would not be an improvement. Also, prolonged trauma from this issue and trauma from other abandonments (two that were fairly recent and significant) has not helped the anxiety attacks. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#24
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Aug 06, 2020 at 04:26 PM.. |
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Legendary
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Location: USA
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#25
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I did need to stick to one direction of my intention though, to commit to working it out or getting out of it. The swinging panic emotions have been crazy making. During the therapy session, I chose to commit to finding peace together with him. The therapist said to me the goal is radical acceptance (or something like that) and I said I feel like I need to stop the toxic dynamic in the relationship first with husband (my son is going to continue to be unloving and my sister wrote me off), then repair the trauma that happened. The trauma has to first stop happening before being able to repair that which already occurred, IMHO. That’s my take on it. Doesn’t that make sense? The abuse my husband has dealt me over the years is in the form of sexual and emotional neglect due to his own lack of interest in me and refusal to meet my expressed desires and needs. It didn’t matter how I was nice or became depressed and angry, nothing changed this. Apart from this, he’s always been a kind spouse and father to our kids, although detached, but physically present. I’ve gotten worked up and obsessed with this issue for so long, I ruined my life over it. I couldn’t knock it off, as my mother wisely suggested or stop focusing on him, as others said too. So, my thoughts are that my inability to do that are a symptom of my anxiety disorder that was always at play. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#26
Your first post labelled your marriage as "bad", saying you don't have the strength to leave. Now you seem to want to justify staying.
How can a parent be a good parent if they're just physically present but detached? Physical presence does not make a good parent. Involved, attentive, caring, loving and giving makes a good parent. That's also what makes a good spouse, which he is not. I'm sorry, Tisha. It seems like a bad marriage and an abusive marriage, but you don't want to leave or you don't have the strength to leave. Emotional and sexual neglect is real, as is gaslighting. You keep blaming your own mental health issues. I think it's your mental health issues that are keeping you stuck and unable to leave an abusive and toxic marriage. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,189
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#27
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#28
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That's highly unethical of the therapist to see you both independently and together. You should each have your own therapist, and then a different therapist whom you see together. This therapist seems biased towards whatever your husband is telling them. My own therapist told me she would not see my husband and I together and that she could not function as our couples therapist for just this reason. If you want a truly objective viewpoint, I suggest a completely separate couples therapist. An unethical one is not going to give the best guidance. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes Last edited by Have Hope; Aug 07, 2020 at 06:34 AM.. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
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#29
I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse, and I understand the struggle. You do have a choice, and it is possible to find the strength to leave the abuse. You might take a little baby step and contact an attorney; knowledge is power..usually the first consultation is free.
It is rarely indicated for couples therapy when one is the abuser...the abuser needs to see a therapist by himself first, and deal with his issues. A therapist who understands abuse would NEVER tell you to stay and work it out....you cannot work out someone else's behavior/abuse. |
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Have Hope
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Have Hope
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#30
That, and since he gaslights you, Tisha, he is probably manipulative in the therapy sessions and is probably blaming your mental health issues to his therapist as being the problem. I am sure he is not taking any responsibility for his own toxic behaviors in therapy, and therefore, the couples therapist that you see together is being manipulated.
A marriage or relationship that has been abusive will ONLY work and be repaired IF the abuser can admit to and acknowledge their abusive behaviors. But your husband is not, the therapist is being manipulated, and your couples therapist is OF NO HELP TO YOU. Also, in order for therapy to work, you need someone objective and your husband needs to be called out on the abuse. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,189
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#31
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__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,089
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#32
You said therapy is not helping. How can this therapist be very good if they're not helping you at all?
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#33
I had another session with him. I took away that I am doing some things that need to change. Of course, I knew this, but hearing it may get me to change. Perhaps he is also telling my h that he needs to make some changes and he will. This t seems good and I need to give it a chance.
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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TunedOut
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,089
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#34
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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TishaBuv
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#35
Grrrrrrrr, I ended up having another meltdown today while out with my family. feeling like I’m ill now and have to deal with that emotions too raw from too much trauma... family not treating me with the tiny amount of extra care I need, even though I outright explain and ask I don’t really want to talk about it, just venting, thanks
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Have Hope, TunedOut, unaluna
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