Never Going To Get Better

Thanks Tisha Emotional and sexual is bad too. I remember my abusers mental abuse felt worse compared to the physical. It destroyed my self worth. You had or currently seeking therapy and its not helping? Abusers only want to change if they can admit their behavior. I would consider leaving. I know its difficult to take that step. Freedom is wonderful.

Tisha, please know that emotional and sexual abuse can be just as devastating and debilitating as physical abuse and can leave deep emotional scars and wounds. It's hard to comprehend why you stay, when you say it's sexual and emotional abuse that is clearly not being resolved in any way.

Now I’m embarrassed that I went off. I am certainly half the problem and I know it. My therapist told me to not allow feeling shame to bother me (or something like that).

I stay because I really do want to, though I want to be at peace here (not even shooting for happy per se). I keep trying to end the relationship and run away because I have an anxiety disorder. There is no doing that in reality and I know it would not be an improvement.

Also, prolonged trauma from this issue and trauma from other abandonments (two that were fairly recent and significant) has not helped the anxiety attacks.

What I see you doing is backing down from your stance. Perhaps you do contribute to the problem, but you labeled what you experience as emotional and sexual abuse. How can you back down from that statement and now color it differently as though you're at fault and it's your own issues? I think you're trying to avoid the truth of the matter to maybe lessen the blow of staying. Someone does not use the word abuse unless it's applicable.

Thanks for your comment HH, it got me to reread this thread to confirm if I did color it differently. I didn’t say the abuse was all from him and then back down from that, blaming myself, changing my stance. I do see it quite accurately for what it is.

I did need to stick to one direction of my intention though, to commit to working it out or getting out of it. The swinging panic emotions have been crazy making. During the therapy session, I chose to commit to finding peace together with him.

The therapist said to me the goal is radical acceptance (or something like that) and I said I feel like I need to stop the toxic dynamic in the relationship first with husband (my son is going to continue to be unloving and my sister wrote me off), then repair the trauma that happened. The trauma has to first stop happening before being able to repair that which already occurred, IMHO.

That’s my take on it. Doesn’t that make sense?

The abuse my husband has dealt me over the years is in the form of sexual and emotional neglect due to his own lack of interest in me and refusal to meet my expressed desires and needs. It didn’t matter how I was nice or became depressed and angry, nothing changed this. Apart from this, he’s always been a kind spouse and father to our kids, although detached, but physically present.

I’ve gotten worked up and obsessed with this issue for so long, I ruined my life over it. I couldn’t knock it off, as my mother wisely suggested or stop focusing on him, as others said too. So, my thoughts are that my inability to do that are a symptom of my anxiety disorder that was always at play.

Your first post labelled your marriage as "bad", saying you don't have the strength to leave. Now you seem to want to justify staying.

How can a parent be a good parent if they're just physically present but detached? Physical presence does not make a good parent. Involved, attentive, caring, loving and giving makes a good parent. That's also what makes a good spouse, which he is not.

I'm sorry, Tisha. It seems like a bad marriage and an abusive marriage, but you don't want to leave or you don't have the strength to leave. Emotional and sexual neglect is real, as is gaslighting.

You keep blaming your own mental health issues. I think it's your mental health issues that are keeping you stuck and unable to leave an abusive and toxic marriage.

So why is the therapist encouraging me to work through it and stay together with him? He is seeing both of us together and separate?

Yes... and in a different thread of yours, I had stated that it's a bad therapist.

That's highly unethical of the therapist to see you both independently and together. You should each have your own therapist, and then a different therapist whom you see together. This therapist seems biased towards whatever your husband is telling them.

My own therapist told me she would not see my husband and I together and that she could not function as our couples therapist for just this reason.

If you want a truly objective viewpoint, I suggest a completely separate couples therapist.

An unethical one is not going to give the best guidance.

I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse, and I understand the struggle. You do have a choice, and it is possible to find the strength to leave the abuse. You might take a little baby step and contact an attorney; knowledge is power..usually the first consultation is free.

It is rarely indicated for couples therapy when one is the abuser...the abuser needs to see a therapist by himself first, and deal with his issues. A therapist who understands abuse would NEVER tell you to stay and work it out....you cannot work out someone else's behavior/abuse.

That, and since he gaslights you, Tisha, he is probably manipulative in the therapy sessions and is probably blaming your mental health issues to his therapist as being the problem. I am sure he is not taking any responsibility for his own toxic behaviors in therapy, and therefore, the couples therapist that you see together is being manipulated.

A marriage or relationship that has been abusive will ONLY work and be repaired IF the abuser can admit to and acknowledge their abusive behaviors. But your husband is not, the therapist is being manipulated, and your couples therapist is OF NO HELP TO YOU.

Also, in order for therapy to work, you need someone objective and your husband needs to be called out on the abuse.

I’m going to ask the therapist if he agrees it is an abusive relationship and if he is encouraging us to stay and work it out. I am trying to trust this therapist and he seems very good.

You said therapy is not helping. How can this therapist be very good if they're not helping you at all?

I had another session with him. I took away that I am doing some things that need to change. Of course, I knew this, but hearing it may get me to change. Perhaps he is also telling my h that he needs to make some changes and he will. This t seems good and I need to give it a chance.

Is that in individual or couples counseling? I would ask your therapist if he is telling your husband to make changes too.

Grrrrrrrr, I ended up having another meltdown today while out with my family. feeling like I’m ill now and have to deal with that emotions too raw from too much trauma... family not treating me with the tiny amount of extra care I need, even though I outright explain and ask I don’t really want to talk about it, just venting, thanks