advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 06:32 AM
  #1
This depression has been going on too long. I’ve been let down and abandoned too much and I can’t heal from it, especially since it keeps happening daily with h. My emotions about it swing by the hour. I keep trying to pretend nothing is wrong and think if I can act accordingly then all will be well, but I can’t. The sadness and anger doesn’t stop. The meds and therapy doesn’t help at all, has maybe made things worse. I don’t have the strength to end the bad marriage. I’m stuck and passively pray for divine intervention.

My h even made a vile joke about this website so that I should not want to participate anymore. He said he said it because the people on here have advised me to leave him.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Christmas cookie, Have Hope, Open Eyes, sadp8r, stahrgeyzer, TunedOut

advertisement
sadp8r
Member
 
sadp8r's Avatar
sadp8r Is Forever Grateful for all my PC friends
 
Member Since: May 2013
Location: tonawanda,ny
Posts: 325
10 yr Member
1,688 hugs
given
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #2
My Heart goes out to You ....tho I may not know Your situation ...I have felt many times things will never get better ....
Things do and can and will get better ....tho I do know things take time also I wish I can tell people that tomorrow will be a better day ...I think tho honestly we never know what tomorrow will bring bad or good ....
I know when we feel things will never get better it's Alot of work to make it through the day ....when we do each day we make it through makes us stronger than comes that day when it's a good day ...when there is a glimmer of Hope and we can Appreciate it so much more
Again I know I may not know exactly what Youre going through but another thing that helps me is PC and sharing my feelings good and bad /sad .....I know I'm not alone and don't have to go through life feeling I'm alone
Please hang in there ....there's always a chance tomorrow will be a better day ( I tell myself that too now especially during this pandemic )
Please stay safe and hang in there ok ....
sadp8r is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TishaBuv, TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
TishaBuv
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,044 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 08:06 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
This depression has been going on too long. I’ve been let down and abandoned too much and I can’t heal from it, especially since it keeps happening daily with h. My emotions about it swing by the hour. I keep trying to pretend nothing is wrong and think if I can act accordingly then all will be well, but I can’t. The sadness and anger doesn’t stop. The meds and therapy doesn’t help at all, has maybe made things worse. I don’t have the strength to end the bad marriage. I’m stuck and passively pray for divine intervention.

My h even made a vile joke about this website so that I should not want to participate anymore. He said he said it because the people on here have advised me to leave him.
Unfortunately, we cannot heal from any situation that is still occurring and alive within our relationship. If this is happening on a daily basis with your husband, things are not going to change unless YOU make a change, take a stand and leave him. I'm afraid this is just going to continue on for you.

I'm very sorry that this continues to go on.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
TishaBuv
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 08:16 AM
  #4
Both of our husband's likely follow our posts on here. The only thing in am unsure of is what percentage of mine my husband monitors. I am sure that my H's POV is that he nearly lost me to a SUI attempt in 2015 and he still sometimes expresses concern about my emotional state/worries about my sanity.

In case your H sees this post, I want to say the following for his education. We have been encouraging each other on PC since 2016. Though there have been a few occasions when I supported you leaving you H because you said you were sure, I would roughly estimate that over 95 percent of the time I encouraged you to remain true to your vows. I think he loves you but has trouble connecting with you sometimes. When he blames your feelings about wanting to leave him on this website, he is actually afraid or unable to be vulnerable. It would be better for him just to say he is sorry that he makes you feel that way instead of blaming it on PC.

I do think that the void's in our life can only be filled so much by others. I do think you are on the right track asking for divine intervention. I do know that when I came to PC I was extremely depressed and you lifted me up. I wish I could do the same for you. You have encouraged many, many people. You are a fantastic person!!! I am so glad that you still participate at PC!
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TishaBuv
 
Thanks for this!
TishaBuv
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 09:46 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Unfortunately, we cannot heal from any situation that is still occurring and alive within our relationship. If this is happening on a daily basis with your husband, things are not going to change unless YOU make a change, take a stand and leave him. I'm afraid this is just going to continue on for you.

I'm very sorry that this continues to go on.
It’s a domestic emotional/sexual abuse situation. The therapists only treat it like it is a mental health situation. I’m afraid to have to hire the lawyer and try to divorce him once again, and fear I’ll back down once again and be a laughing stock, called mentally ill, the Boy Who Cried Wolf, and not taken seriously again and refused help, if that’s possible? I don’t trust myself because my desire to have a good life and good relationship swing to panic attack and need to escape on a daily basis. I’m exhausted.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope, TunedOut
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 09:48 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
Both of our husband's likely follow our posts on here. The only thing in am unsure of is what percentage of mine my husband monitors. I am sure that my H's POV is that he nearly lost me to a SUI attempt in 2015 and he still sometimes expresses concern about my emotional state/worries about my sanity.

In case your H sees this post, I want to say the following for his education. We have been encouraging each other on PC since 2016. Though there have been a few occasions when I supported you leaving you H because you said you were sure, I would roughly estimate that over 95 percent of the time I encouraged you to remain true to your vows. I think he loves you but has trouble connecting with you sometimes. When he blames your feelings about wanting to leave him on this website, he is actually afraid or unable to be vulnerable. It would be better for him just to say he is sorry that he makes you feel that way instead of blaming it on PC.

I do think that the void's in our life can only be filled so much by others. I do think you are on the right track asking for divine intervention. I do know that when I came to PC I was extremely depressed and you lifted me up. I wish I could do the same for you. You have encouraged many, many people. You are a fantastic person!!! I am so glad that you still participate at PC!
Mine doesn’t read this at all. There was just that one time he opened an account and posted on my thread, which was embarrassing. He knows this is support for me but is jealous that I talk to others and that I am being supported to get out, which does not meet his agenda.

He doesn’’t want to let me out. He wants this abusive situation to continue until death.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
TunedOut
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,044 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 09:56 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
It’s a domestic emotional/sexual abuse situation. The therapists only treat it like it is a mental health situation. I’m afraid to have to hire the lawyer and try to divorce him once again, and fear I’ll back down once again and be a laughing stock, called mentally ill, the Boy Who Cried Wolf, and not taken seriously again and refused help, if that’s possible? I don’t trust myself because my desire to have a good life and good relationship swing to panic attack and need to escape on a daily basis. I’m exhausted.
I'm so sorry.

I know how strong fear can be and how much fear can hold one back, trust me. I've felt that way before myself. But the only way through fear is to face it head on, work through the fear, take the bull by the horns, and follow through with a plan and a course of action.

If you are dealing with domestic emotional/sexual abuse, the only way to move forward is to get OUT. Or else you will continue to suffer, and it could very well worsen the state of your mental health over time. Very likely that it will.

So, if you wish to save your mental health and to save yourself from a worsening hell, you CAN gather the courage.

And I suggest working with your therapist on how to overcome your fears.

And this time, don't allow any room for negotiation or for a change of heart. You state it matter of factly and in a decisive manner that says this is done, this is over, this is what is happening, and there is NO changing my mind.

Hugs and strength to you.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
TunedOut
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 10:00 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Mine doesn’t read this at all. There was just that one time he opened an account and posted on my thread, which was embarrassing. He knows this is support for me but is jealous that I talk to others and that I am being supported to get out, which does not meet his agenda.

He doesn’’t want to let me out. He wants this abusive situation to continue until death.
PC is support but what you ultimately do is not because of PC. PC can sway our emotions for a while but, in the end, we have to learn to be ourselves and live with ourselves and our decisions.

I know COVID makes it harder for us to go where we want to go and do what we want to do but keep trying to stand up for yourself. We cannot make others love us so if he feels like he has to "cage" you in some way in order to have you, it will never be a satisfying love for him. If he is doing this, he must be miserable inside. If he is not already paying a price for not being a loving husband then I strongly believe he will some day.
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 10:24 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
It’s a domestic emotional/sexual abuse situation. The therapists only treat it like it is a mental health situation. I’m afraid to have to hire the lawyer and try to divorce him once again, and fear I’ll back down once again and be a laughing stock, called mentally ill, the Boy Who Cried Wolf, and not taken seriously again and refused help, if that’s possible? I don’t trust myself because my desire to have a good life and good relationship swing to panic attack and need to escape on a daily basis. I’m exhausted.
I do agree with Hope that, somehow, you have to face that fear.

I am not saying our relationships are the same, but, in my case, my fear and paranoia of my husband was based on some things he was doing that were unreasonable but, for me, the only way to handle it was a combination of standing up to him and working with him. My fear/anxiety was larger than the true threat and did cause my mental health problems. Events in our marriage (life is not always easy) also contributed to my breakdown. I have forgiven him for his role in my breakdown but also played a role in the tragedy. Perhaps the tragic events were actually a blessing too because they helped me heal and be a better partner too.

I am sorry you do not feel like the mental health professionals are in your corner. I always felt like mine were in my corner but also did not go to couples therapy. My impression of couple's therapy is that it sometimes makes the situation even more complicated. You need people who are supportive! At least you have PC.
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 11:01 AM
  #10
IDK if my mental health has actually deteriorated. I believe if I got out and far away into a new life, I’d be okay. But there’d always be the haunting that this was a nightmare failure. What my son did is never going away, it happened, he continues to not care. The emotional abandonment of my completely beloved son was mind blowing to cope with. I can’t escape the rumination I will forever have over him, no matter where I run.

My mother told me long ago, when I kept crying to her about this same marital problem to knock it off or I will begin to look mentally ill and be thought of as such. I didn’t knock it off as the marital problem endured and i became obsessed with trying to figure out whether it was a relationship problem or a mental health one. It has to be a combination of both.

I wish I could just act life the relationship does not slay me, l and at least keep my mouth shut. Life would be so much better for me.

If I leave, I don’t really escape. I don’t believe I have green pastures, especially having to cope with many years of trauma I suffered. But, I can’t stay and just act nice, either. I get angry and sad that it is what it is.

I really screwed this life up. It was such a tease. It seemed so great, but it was misery because I am unhappy in it with him. I am just not understood by him, while my desires are so simple and reasonable.

The therapist asked me to write it all down for him to get to know me. I gave him a timeline of my entire life as he asked and a paragraph about all I wanted from my relationship and those needs were unmet no matter what I do.

All he discussed with me after reading was to explain to him what happened with the date rape long ago. Honestly, I could give a shyt about that and didn’t even care at the time. That’s the last session which went no where. Nothing else has even been discussed. We met several times already.

He meets with my h, too. He gave him an assignment, which my h did not do. This is marriage therapy? Such BS. We’ve not gotten at all better and he’s told us nothing so far.

It’s been the worst summer from hell. The pandemic was the least of my problems.

Counting blessings, I love the time I spent with our middle son and I am glad we have all not gotten sick. Although, I feel like licking a stair rail and taking myself out, jk...sort of.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TunedOut
 
Thanks for this!
TunedOut
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,044 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 11:06 AM
  #11
You said it’s domestic emotional and sexual abuse. It’s black and white to me. Either you get out of the marriage, or accept it for what is, stay and endure it. This back and forth will get you nowhere. It’s crazy making.. for you.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Christmas cookie
Member
 
Christmas cookie's Avatar
Christmas cookie has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2019
Location: Mars
Posts: 122
3 yr Member
58 hugs
given
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 11:17 AM
  #12
I'm sorry You mentioned domestic violence. I'm a dv survivor. They promise to change (abuser)...they don't. It's a vicious cycle. I left three times and the only reason I returned because I knew if I ran that instant I would be beat or killed. My final exit was planned carefully.

It isn't your fault and your not to blame. Can you visit a friend or family and use their phone to call a shelter? Pack essentials, i.d etc? Believe me once you are out...freedom is wonderful. I required several surgeries due to his physical abuse. No one can force you to leave. Just know that you deserve to feel safe and free from abuse.
Christmas cookie is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TunedOut
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 11:27 AM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
All he discussed with me after reading was to explain to him what happened with the date rape long ago.

This is marriage therapy? Such BS. We’ve not gotten at all better and he’s told us nothing so far.
IMO the above event was hard for you when it happened and when you first reprocessed it but, really, in the large scheme of your life a very small thing overall. It sounds like your H just doesn't get it and it also allowed him to focus on something besides himself. Sometimes we really trick ourselves and I include myself in this.

Once we tried family counseling. My H and I went and we were going to have the kids join at later sessions. It was obvious to us that it was going to be a waste of time. The three of us were not on the same page. And the counseling was supposed to eventually be for four with the therapist! It must be hard enough for a T to deal with one!
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,044 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 11:29 AM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
It sounds like your H just isn't wanting to face what is really wrong.
Only when a person can see their own abuse and admit to abusing their partner, can true change occur in and outside of therapy. Otherwise, it's all a HUGE waste of time and effort.

And I see Tisha spinning her wheels.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
TunedOut
TunedOut
Grand Poohbah
 
TunedOut's Avatar
TunedOut has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1,523
3 yr Member
6,983 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 11:35 AM
  #15
Tisha, until you figure this out, try to work on learning to detach. We don't know when or if others will figure things out. If the marriage therapy is BS, don't give it too much effort. Just observe your H and see if it eventually helps. Does he like therapy?
TunedOut is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,044 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 11:38 AM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
IDK if my mental health has actually deteriorated.
Tisha, I see you as spinning your wheels in this situation. I see you as being utterly miserable, going back and forth, not getting much out of therapy and being completely frustrated, exasperated and exhausted by the continuing issues with your husband. Not to sound harsh, but I'm being honest. I think it's a no-win situation, unless you leave.

That's all I can tell you. Hugs to you.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 12:01 PM
  #17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Christmas cookie View Post
I'm sorry You mentioned domestic violence. I'm a dv survivor. They promise to change (abuser)...they don't. It's a vicious cycle. I left three times and the only reason I returned because I knew if I ran that instant I would be beat or killed. My final exit was planned carefully.

It isn't your fault and your not to blame. Can you visit a friend or family and use their phone to call a shelter? Pack essentials, i.d etc? Believe me once you are out...freedom is wonderful. I required several surgeries due to his physical abuse. No one can force you to leave. Just know that you deserve to feel safe and free from abuse.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Mine is not physical, just emotional and sexual- it’s abuse by neglect and ongoing dysfunction which leads to me having emotional meltdowns. He and I are both soooo nice outside of the bedroom nightmare. Had he hit me, I’d have left much more easily.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 12:02 PM
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut View Post
Tisha, until you figure this out, try to work on learning to detach. We don't know when or if others will figure things out. If the marriage therapy is BS, don't give it too much effort. Just observe your H and see if it eventually helps. Does he like therapy?
I’ve been trying to detach and not let it get to me for years and I can’t. I have let it get to indeed be crazy making.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
TunedOut
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 12:03 PM
  #19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Tisha, I see you as spinning your wheels in this situation. I see you as being utterly miserable, going back and forth, not getting much out of therapy and being completely frustrated, exasperated and exhausted by the continuing issues with your husband. Not to sound harsh, but I'm being honest. I think it's a no-win situation, unless you leave.

That's all I can tell you. Hugs to you.
I agree with you. The back and forth is so upsetting to me and I hope this therapist can help me figure out what to do and give me strength to do it.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,044 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 04, 2020 at 02:04 PM
  #20
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I agree with you. The back and forth is so upsetting to me and I hope this therapist can help me figure out what to do and give me strength to do it.
I understand fully.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:58 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.