Unstuffing the truth

Emotions lead to change, or so I've read. I'm not sure I believe that. I stuff emotions, and now I need to unstuff, fast! Knowing what each emotion feels like inside me is hard, I was never taught about emotions growing up. It's an unspoken language that is totally new! Yet I want to be a counselor, and help others. I want my weakness to be come stronger. But it's hard work, and I have a lot of ground to cover before the next term starts at the end of the month. I also have my sister coming in to town. Will I have enough time??? And that brings up a feeling inside my body that is preparing for action, and extra energy, I think that's anxiety. I'm angry with my parents for not teaching me about emotions. Why did they hide so much from me??!! They thought I needed protection. And yet it led to 15 years of ****, and many hospital trips, and anguish that I wasn't normal.

The real truth is my parents held me back. Stunted my growth, created a weakness. One that future clients and others can see. Something to be used against me and cause hurt, like before. And the hurt continues, because I live with my parents. I feel the need to save money to move out. To work as much as I can, to change my situation. Or the other approach is to help them see the lack of discussion of emotions has harmed me and from what I can see our family. Then when I felt too much, I didn't know what to do, so I tried stuffing it down. Those emotions came out when I was 17 as suicidal thoughts. I felt like I had to run from them.

The running has led to trauma. If I didn't run from them for so long, I believe that this "depression and anxiety" wouldn't exist. And now my scalp itches, and my feet want to move. I've got extra energy and I don't know what to do with that energy. It's 5:21 am what can I do? I feel stuck in my room, but the truth is I can leave my room, but then I go into an environment that seems to control my behavior. Ok, I know that isn't true but that is how it feels. I've gone downstairs before but then I come back up, into a comfort zone. Like my environment isn't safe, because of that stupid TV and computer that is always on. I have to be guarded because showing emotions is weak, and something to hide from.

This post is huge!!!! What I mean is I've discovered a lot, and I don't know what to do with this knowledge. My digestion is turned off, and it is starting to hurt. I've gone in to flight mode, I need to get the energy out.

More filth has come up. I don't know what to do with it. I need to tell my parents, but I'm afraid of their reaction. How they acted, I learned that emotions have to be hidden. Even know I'm hiding from the world. Because this is so huge. All of my anxiety is from hiding my emotions!!!! That caused sui thoughts, an addiction, and countless hospitalizations, and 15+ years of pain. I don't want to hide anymore. I can't. I'm angry, hurt, and frustrated that I never had that growing up. When I moved from family, I lost my support system away from my family. I live with my parents, and now I really need to move out. I can't be in this environment anymore. Unless I have a conversation that has more than just me speaking.