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Default Sep 08, 2020 at 12:10 AM
  #1
I think I'm what's called an HSP (highly sensitive person). I'm not sure if some of thee people I used to know were very insensitive or if I'm just too sensitive as they told me.

I have been told a few times by former friends and my stoic husband that I'm to sensitive, to whiny, to emotional, etc....

I'll give some examples of how they think that I'm to sensitive and how I overreact according to them:

1) One male friend went out with me and his g.f a few years ago and went bar hopping after his mentally abusive sick dad died. They took care of him for years. Anyways, at one sleazy bar this drunk woman rubbed her boobs against my back and I was in shock, so I didn't say anything.

A few minutes later I told my friend what happened when he was playing pool and he laughed and told me that I should take it as a compliment. I was mad. Then I got upset and said that I wanted to leave and then he got really pissed at me and he yelled at me and how I was ruining his fun.

Needless to say, we stopped talking soon after that. His g.f did nothing.

I doubt he'd think it was funny if a guy did that ti him.

2) This older female friend liked going out to bars and hotels, and one time I was with her, she took me to this horrible dump. The female bartender there was cool though and she kept drinking shots with us. Anyways, she invited her and a guy at the bar back to the hotel she was paying for.

The female bartender assaulted me outside a liqour store. She grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go. I don't know why she did that. My friend was a block away and didn't hear me when I yelled for help. That guy at the bar was there and he did nothing. A group of young guys were there and they did nothing either. I was stuck in a bad neighborhood I didn't know late at night.

Despite all that, she let them both in the hotel room we were sharing and when I tried to kick them out, she said she paid for the room! I told her what happened. They followed me back there and she let them in! I didn't think to call the cops right away as I was in shock! She let them stay and I went to the bedroom and cried. I stopped talking to her soon after that too.

She told me that it's a good way to meet people and that I'm the problem!

3) I thought that a necklace I liked on a trip was stolen by the maid. My friend didn't care about that as it was just a necklace and that the maids job was a lot more important than my necklace. She kept on bringing up that story for months and how she had no empathy for me as I was overreacting. She said it's just stuff. I complained about things to management anyways. It turned out I misplaced it, but I did apologize about the misunderstanding.

4) My husbands mom slapped me hard on my back one time in Reno when my husband and his dad were standing far behind us. I almost fell over in a secluded area and then she laughed in my face. I then told her that she could be arrested for assault. She's from a different country and I'm from the U.S.

She shut up after that and then she went and told my husband that I yelled at her because she gave me a 'friendly' slap on the back and threatened her! He then yelled at me and threatened to leave me there. I didn't have much money or enough credit to rent a room or get a flight back home. She never apologized for anything.

I banned her from our house. I haven't seen that witch in over 20 years. He's a big momma's boy, so he would always visit them once every one or two years.

I honestly think all of the above people were very insensitive and nasty. Why would they treat me like that? They seemed nice at first. Then I realized that they're all controlling people and I didn't do what they wanted, so that's why they did what they did?

Only my male friend wasn't controlling, but I did suspect is an alcoholic and a former or current sex addict as he told me to go out and have sex after I told him I was having issues in my marriage. He said it's just sex and that he used to be a male slut. He even wish that he was single even though he loved his g.f as he missed dating lots of women.

I'd appreciate any insights into why sensitive people are sometimes bullied and mistreated.
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Default Sep 08, 2020 at 01:03 AM
  #2
The first two are shocking to me (ok, I’ve been described as too sensitive too). 1) You got assaulted, basically, and if the guy wouldn’t find it funny for someone to do it to him, he shouldn’t think it’s ok for it to happen to you either.
2) again, you’re not sensitive for feeling afraid in that situation. You didn’t know what she intended to do (I’m thinking up to no good and trying to get you on side, so to speak, by doing shots with you).
3) on the fence. It isn’t important in the grand scheme of things but it’s never nice to lose something or have it stolen. Seems like a weird thing on your ‘friend’s’ part to keep bringing up for months, too. Glad you found it and apologised for your mistake, though.
4) sounds like she assaulted you for her own pleasure. Nasty. Of course she’d also spin a lie to her son to make you look bad - I’d be majorly pissed off by that. Did you ever get him to understand what actually happened?
I agree they’re all insensitive, I think people like this get a kick out of upsetting people and then blaming the other person for being upset. I believe that’s called blame shifting? Sensitive people are an easy target for them. Most of them would back down against those who were colder/tougher to crack etc. It’s on them, though, not you.
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Default Sep 08, 2020 at 02:51 AM
  #3
I agree with Roxanne.

1) You were definitely assaulted there and your male friend was an ***.

2) Your thoughts and emotions were completely justified. No one has any right to go grabbing onto someone they don't know like that. What you did was right, and your friend sounded like she was naive.

3) Like Roxanne said, it's strange that she felt the need to keep bringing this up. I'm sure she has lost or misplaced things before. It's always annoying when people act in such a hypocritical way. She probably would have reacted the same way had it been her necklace.

4) What your husband's mother did was not okay. It's good that you cut her off. She sounded manipulative.

Often times "HSP" aren't as sensitive as they think they are. They've just been through so much ******** that they become good detectors when people act out of line. My family, my mother especially, thinks I'm "too sensitive." It's true. I'm sensitive to lying, manipulative behavior and people overstepping their boundaries. People don't like to be called out on their behavior. When you're too good at it, it pisses them off.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. Just be wary of who you get involved with. People like that actually go looking for people they think are sensitive. Like Roxanne said, they make easy targets. We're like magnets for this behavior and it can be frustrating.
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Default Sep 08, 2020 at 11:10 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
The first two are shocking to me (ok, I’ve been described as too sensitive too). 1) You got assaulted, basically, and if the guy wouldn’t find it funny for someone to do it to him, he shouldn’t think it’s ok for it to happen to you either.
2) again, you’re not sensitive for feeling afraid in that situation. You didn’t know what she intended to do (I’m thinking up to no good and trying to get you on side, so to speak, by doing shots with you).
3) on the fence. It isn’t important in the grand scheme of things but it’s never nice to lose something or have it stolen. Seems like a weird thing on your ‘friend’s’ part to keep bringing up for months, too. Glad you found it and apologised for your mistake, though.
4) sounds like she assaulted you for her own pleasure. Nasty. Of course she’d also spin a lie to her son to make you look bad - I’d be majorly pissed off by that. Did you ever get him to understand what actually happened?
I agree they’re all insensitive, I think people like this get a kick out of upsetting people and then blaming the other person for being upset. I believe that’s called blame shifting? Sensitive people are an easy target for them. Most of them would back down against those who were colder/tougher to crack etc. It’s on them, though, not you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, thanks for your reply. I knew I wasn't being to sensitive and they were just being nasty and thoughtless. That guy friend might've also been taking out his anger and frustration out on me. I also think he got mad at me since he was jealous of me. He was struggling with money and he told me that I have it easy since my husband takes care of me.

He really hurt and disappointed me. I'll probably talk more about him in a future thread. The crazy bartender was weird! She was nice at first, but maybe you're right. She didn't try to rob me. She just followed me back to the hotel. My former female friend always thought she had excellent judgement since she is a psychiatric nurse.

She doesn't as she was robbed at her apartment when she let a homeless woman stay there. She lost jewelery..She was bipolar but medicated, but arrogant. She had no respect for my boundaries. She seemed nice at first, but she'd do whatever she felt like it with no regards to my feelings.

As for the friend who kept on nagging me about the necklace, she had a very bad habit or repeating herself and she liked to use that as one example of how I tend to "overreact' to things. She was very judgmental and she lacked empathy at times.

My MIL was a monster. She never liked me since I didn't try to kiss her butt and the fact that I'm American and not from her country. She is a queen bee type.

All of these people seemed like nice normal people at first, and then they changed and started to become mean once they could see that I didn't always want to do what they expected of me or when I disagreed with them on something.

Are there any red flags to look out for so I don't end up being a victim again? Maybe I shouldn't open up to people to quickly and get to know them better first?

You're right about what you said. It does seem like sensitive people are easy targets for these sickos. They're lucky that I didn't call the cops in most of the above situations. I regret not doing so. I wasn't thinking straight. Especially after drinking, ugh.
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Default Sep 08, 2020 at 11:20 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by alittlelikemusic View Post
I agree with Roxanne.

1) You were definitely assaulted there and your male friend was an ***.

2) Your thoughts and emotions were completely justified. No one has any right to go grabbing onto someone they don't know like that. What you did was right, and your friend sounded like she was naive.

3) Like Roxanne said, it's strange that she felt the need to keep bringing this up. I'm sure she has lost or misplaced things before. It's always annoying when people act in such a hypocritical way. She probably would have reacted the same way had it been her necklace.

4) What your husband's mother did was not okay. It's good that you cut her off. She sounded manipulative.

Often times "HSP" aren't as sensitive as they think they are. They've just been through so much ******** that they become good detectors when people act out of line. My family, my mother especially, thinks I'm "too sensitive." It's true. I'm sensitive to lying, manipulative behavior and people overstepping their boundaries. People don't like to be called out on their behavior. When you're too good at it, it pisses them off.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. Just be wary of who you get involved with. People like that actually go looking for people they think are sensitive. Like Roxanne said, they make easy targets. We're like magnets for this behavior and it can be frustrating.
-----------------------------------------------------------
My male friend was an ***! He really hurt me! I'll talk more about him in another post soon and that night. He was always nice to me until that night! I think that he took out a lot of his frustration out on me. I never thought he'd treat me like that.

My second friend thought she knew it all. See my response to Roxanne. She didn't apparently. And and the friend who repeated herself loved to judge me and she tried hard to try to control me acting like she was trying to help me. I think that she was jealous of me since she lives at home and I don't have to work hard like she does.

As for my MIL< see my previous response to Roxanne again. I think that she was upset that her son didn't marry someone from their country. What an evil woman! I regret not calling the cops in all but three of these situations.

I agree with what you said. I call people out on their crap when they do it. I don't care if that upsets them. They should know better. Especially as adults in the 40-80 plus range!

I don'[t understand why they'd try to control me. I was nice to them until them showed me their ugly side. Is it possible that I never saw the real them? Are there any red flags that I can look out for to avoid abusive freaks like them in the future? Not be open and vulnerable and taking my time in getting to know people a lot better over time is the only thing I can think of.

I'd appreciate any advice or other insight you can share with me.
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Default Sep 08, 2020 at 11:44 PM
  #6
Hey @jesyka those friends were definitely assholes. I cant stand when people brush off legit concerns by saying someone is too sensitive. Who gets to decide what is too sensitive? How about the person feeling it gets to decide! I am an emotional person and feel things deeply and show it. This means tears of joy and pain, belly laughter and giggles, and sometimes impatience. This does not mean I am "too" sensitive or emotional. It just means that I feel things and experienced something that really affected me. Anyone who has a problem with your sensitivity can go f**k themselves.

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Default Sep 09, 2020 at 01:46 PM
  #7
I'd like to add that just because you may feel things more deeply than others, doesn't mean there isn't in fact a problem with the way people are acting. I feel like when people say someone's "too sensitive," they're saying "there's no problem here" too, when there is.

Also those people you've had the misfortune of experiencing, were all straight up jerks. They weren't good friends. Good on you for recognizing this.
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Default Sep 09, 2020 at 03:33 PM
  #8
I am also an HSP.....we are in a very small group in society. As difficult as it is to be highly sensitive and empathic, I would rather be like that than NOT sensitive. THe world needs more....of us. My mother said.....You are still so sensitive, I thought you would have gotten over that by now. Isn't that so sad.
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Default Sep 09, 2020 at 11:13 PM
  #9
I agree that those people were jerks and you were not "too sensitive" in those situations.

However, if you are wondering whether or not you are a highly sensitive person, you could take a look at the self-test here:

Self-Tests – The Highly Sensitive Person
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Default Sep 10, 2020 at 09:15 PM
  #10
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Originally Posted by jesyka View Post
-----------------------------------------------------------
My male friend was an ***! He really hurt me! I'll talk more about him in another post soon and that night. He was always nice to me until that night! I think that he took out a lot of his frustration out on me. I never thought he'd treat me like that.

My second friend thought she knew it all. See my response to Roxanne. She didn't apparently. And and the friend who repeated herself loved to judge me and she tried hard to try to control me acting like she was trying to help me. I think that she was jealous of me since she lives at home and I don't have to work hard like she does.

As for my MIL< see my previous response to Roxanne again. I think that she was upset that her son didn't marry someone from their country. What an evil woman! I regret not calling the cops in all but three of these situations.

I agree with what you said. I call people out on their crap when they do it. I don't care if that upsets them. They should know better. Especially as adults in the 40-80 plus range!

I don'[t understand why they'd try to control me. I was nice to them until them showed me their ugly side. Is it possible that I never saw the real them? Are there any red flags that I can look out for to avoid abusive freaks like them in the future? Not be open and vulnerable and taking my time in getting to know people a lot better over time is the only thing I can think of.

I'd appreciate any advice or other insight you can share with me.
You can take your time getting to know people at a pace that is comfortable for you. And when you do this just make sure you set boundaries and be consistent with those boundaries. Also, practice being a good listener. You could be a good listener already, but people who like to control and manipulate others have a tendency to contradict themselves a lot.

Watch their actions. Do what they say and what they do match up? How do they treat their friends? Their family? Does this person sound self-entitled? For example, do they have a tendency to act like someone owes them something? Do you find yourself drained whenever you spend time with this person? Do they have a habit of trying to pressure you even though you're adamant about your stance on a subject? Do they have a habit of throwing tantrums?

There's lots of articles out there on the red flags of controlling and abusive behavior. Like this one: Controlling Behavior: Signs, Causes, and What To Do About It | Supportiv

Don't be quick to dismiss articles that are aimed toward romantic relationships. Those same red flags can pop up in friendships too. I think you're doing a great job at recognizing this behavior to be honest. You won't always catch these types of people right away. When you do, don't be afraid to put up boundaries or even cut them off or establish distance. Do what's right for your mental health.
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Default Sep 11, 2020 at 05:08 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Hey @jesyka those friends were definitely assholes. I cant stand when people brush off legit concerns by saying someone is too sensitive. Who gets to decide what is too sensitive? How about the person feeling it gets to decide! I am an emotional person and feel things deeply and show it. This means tears of joy and pain, belly laughter and giggles, and sometimes impatience. This does not mean I am "too" sensitive or emotional. It just means that I feel things and experienced something that really affected me. Anyone who has a problem with your sensitivity can go f**k themselves.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I agree with what you said. I thought at first I was the problem like they told me I was. I think that maybe they were trying to control and manipulate me to a certain degree. Or maybe they were all insensitive a**sholes like you said, lol.
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Default Sep 11, 2020 at 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
I'd like to add that just because you may feel things more deeply than others, doesn't mean there isn't in fact a problem with the way people are acting. I feel like when people say someone's "too sensitive," they're saying "there's no problem here" too, when there is.

Also those people you've had the misfortune of experiencing, were all straight up jerks. They weren't good friends. Good on you for recognizing this.
----------------------------------------------------
That's true. I think that they were all rude, disrespectful, and insensitive. It took me awhile to see their true nature, ugh. I wish I was better at reading people.
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Default Sep 11, 2020 at 05:13 PM
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Originally Posted by nicoleflynn View Post
I am also an HSP.....we are in a very small group in society. As difficult as it is to be highly sensitive and empathic, I would rather be like that than NOT sensitive. THe world needs more....of us. My mother said.....You are still so sensitive, I thought you would have gotten over that by now. Isn't that so sad.
-----------------------------------------------------
That's true. The world would be a better place if the sensitive people outnumbered the insensitive people out there. My mom and the rest of my family are the same way as your mom is. They also expect me to be sensitive to their needs but they don't usually care about being sensitive to my needs as well.
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Default Sep 11, 2020 at 05:15 PM
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I agree that those people were jerks and you were not "too sensitive" in those situations.

However, if you are wondering whether or not you are a highly sensitive person, you could take a look at the self-test here:

Self-Tests – The Highly Sensitive Person
-----------------------------------------------------
They certainly weren't. I'm positive I'm an HSP. I'll take that test anyways. Thanks.
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Default Sep 11, 2020 at 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by alittlelikemusic View Post
You can take your time getting to know people at a pace that is comfortable for you. And when you do this just make sure you set boundaries and be consistent with those boundaries. Also, practice being a good listener. You could be a good listener already, but people who like to control and manipulate others have a tendency to contradict themselves a lot.

Watch their actions. Do what they say and what they do match up? How do they treat their friends? Their family? Does this person sound self-entitled? For example, do they have a tendency to act like someone owes them something? Do you find yourself drained whenever you spend time with this person? Do they have a habit of trying to pressure you even though you're adamant about your stance on a subject? Do they have a habit of throwing tantrums?

There's lots of articles out there on the red flags of controlling and abusive behavior. Like this one: Controlling Behavior: Signs, Causes, and What To Do About It | Supportiv

Don't be quick to dismiss articles that are aimed toward romantic relationships. Those same red flags can pop up in friendships too. I think you're doing a great job at recognizing this behavior to be honest. You won't always catch these types of people right away. When you do, don't be afraid to put up boundaries or even cut them off or establish distance. Do what's right for your mental health.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for your advice. I'll definitely be more cautious with people from now on. I tried to tell them to stop and I said no to certain things, but that didn't work with them. With my MIL, I would pull away from her and try to avoid hugging her since I dislike being touched, but she'd try to touch me all the time which was annoying.

I'm definitely not afraid to end a friendship anymore. I'd rather be alone than with people who mistreat me. Thanks for sharing that link. I'll read it now.
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Default Sep 13, 2020 at 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I agree that those people were jerks and you were not "too sensitive" in those situations.

However, if you are wondering whether or not you are a highly sensitive person, you could take a look at the self-test here:

Self-Tests – The Highly Sensitive Person
I also agree, those people were jerks!! Their accusing you of being ''too sensitive'' was their issue (not yours)

Someone saying they have ''no empathy for you as you were overreacting'' to a hurtful situation. Someone, a complete A hole said that to me (supposedly a highly trained ''intelligent'' person..) In reality, a jerk.


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Default Sep 16, 2020 at 02:07 AM
  #17
I just did the test and got 24 lol, you only need 14 to meet the criteria. I think there are things you can do to help, and managing your environment, being careful about the company you keep etc.

You mention bars a couple of times and I find those uncomfortable places generally speaking so avoid them. Those people sound loud and brash to me - I wouldn't mix with them personally. Finding better friends who prefer quieter environments would probably help you.

It sounds like you were going along with what they wanted? How about you think more about what suits you best?
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Default Sep 17, 2020 at 11:39 PM
  #18
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Originally Posted by Discombobulated View Post
I just did the test and got 24 lol, you only need 14 to meet the criteria. I think there are things you can do to help, and managing your environment, being careful about the company you keep etc.

You mention bars a couple of times and I find those uncomfortable places generally speaking so avoid them. Those people sound loud and brash to me - I wouldn't mix with them personally. Finding better friends who prefer quieter environments would probably help you.

It sounds like you were going along with what they wanted? How about you think more about what suits you best?
------------------------------------------------------
lol. I met the criteria too. Anyways, I have noticed that some of the bad situations I've gotten into involved drinking and going to bars. My former friends were more extroverted and more confident than I am.

They expected me to be more social as well usually. Their main problem is that they didn't respect my boundaries. I agree that I should avoid bars from now on. Sometimes the people there are to much, weird, perverts, creepy, there to take advantage of others, hit on others, etc...

I wasn't going along with what they wanted as I wanted to go out, have fun, go to certain cool bars and relax with them. From now on I'll not waste any time on anyone who has no respect for my feelings.

If they tell me that I'm 'wrong' for not not agreeing with them, or if they tell me that I'm 'overreacting' to things, then I'll know that I shouldn't be friends with those people.
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 01:26 AM
  #19
My mother's favorite thing to say to me was:"Oh, honey, you are just too sensitive."

She was right. I have always been this way. It is why medicine was a good choice for me. Empathy.

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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 09:35 AM
  #20
Another theory I wanted to float was honesty. Most people who are sensitve "wear their heart on their sleeves" meaning we show it. People are not always comfortable with this especially when it hits home for them.

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