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stahrgeyzer
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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 03:51 PM
  #1
I would like some advice on what to do with some overwhelming emotions regarding the loss of my first therapist. For 6 months I had therapy with my first therapist, a clinical psychologist. After 6 months of therapy my life exploded and the double dosage of zoloft made me almost end my life. For some unknown reason she devastated me by terminated me, "forever." I thought the world of her. She helped me so much, more than anyone! I've never felt cared for more than anyone than by her, not ever close. I thought for sure she was going to be my therapist for life. My 2nd therapist, a social worker, who had no clue how to do therapy for BPD clients, said I have PTSD because of my 1st therapist. It's been awhile since being terminated, and I'm still haunted throughout each day about my suicide attempt & losing my psychologist. So, I finally ended therapy with the social worker and got another clinical psychologist. That made me soooo nervous. The dreadful thought of opening up completely to someone else made me extremely nervous. And then immediately after that I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sadness because it just doesn't feel right for someone to replace my 1st clinical psychologist. It kills me to think of doing therapy with someone who's not my first psychologist! It surprised me because I have to hold back from just breaking down in tears. I cared about her so much!

Anyhow, I want so much to email my first psychologist now. Way back then after she terminated me I got out of the psych ward, so I immediately email her. She didn't reply. I sent another. No reply. I must have sent about 6 emails to her. It killed me that she ignored me. She didn't give me closure. I have absolutely no idea what she thinks about me or what the real reason why she terminated me. Is she pissed at me for wanting to commit suicide? Does she hate me for putting her through that. I'm still so confused! About 2 to 3 months ago I finally gave up, and let go of her and our therapy for life, so I sent her a "Bye, forever" email, thanking her for each thing she helped me with, which is a lot. In that email I said I would never contact her again unless she wanted me to. But ...now I want more than anything to email her again, telling her how much I need the care she gave me, that I'm hurting, and begging her to be my therapist again. Should I email her? If not then how can I deal with these emotions?
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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 07:57 PM
  #2
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Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer View Post
I would like some advice on what to do with some overwhelming emotions regarding the loss of my first therapist. For 6 months I had therapy with my first therapist, a clinical psychologist. After 6 months of therapy my life exploded and the double dosage of zoloft made me almost end my life. For some unknown reason she devastated me by terminated me, "forever." I thought the world of her. She helped me so much, more than anyone! I've never felt cared for more than anyone than by her, not ever close. I thought for sure she was going to be my therapist for life. My 2nd therapist, a social worker, who had no clue how to do therapy for BPD clients, said I have PTSD because of my 1st therapist. It's been awhile since being terminated, and I'm still haunted throughout each day about my suicide attempt & losing my psychologist. So, I finally ended therapy with the social worker and got another clinical psychologist. That made me soooo nervous. The dreadful thought of opening up completely to someone else made me extremely nervous. And then immediately after that I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sadness because it just doesn't feel right for someone to replace my 1st clinical psychologist. It kills me to think of doing therapy with someone who's not my first psychologist! It surprised me because I have to hold back from just breaking down in tears. I cared about her so much!

Anyhow, I want so much to email my first psychologist now. Way back then after she terminated me I got out of the psych ward, so I immediately email her. She didn't reply. I sent another. No reply. I must have sent about 6 emails to her. It killed me that she ignored me. She didn't give me closure. I have absolutely no idea what she thinks about me or what the real reason why she terminated me. Is she pissed at me for wanting to commit suicide? Does she hate me for putting her through that. I'm still so confused! About 2 to 3 months ago I finally gave up, and let go of her and our therapy for life, so I sent her a "Bye, forever" email, thanking her for each thing she helped me with, which is a lot. In that email I said I would never contact her again unless she wanted me to. But ...now I want more than anything to email her again, telling her how much I need the care she gave me, that I'm hurting, and begging her to be my therapist again. Should I email her? If not then how can I deal with these emotions?
A clinical psychologist terminating you ''forever'' after 6 months. Wow

I'm sorry I don't know your back story, and whether or not you paid for the therapy. If it was ''publicly funded'' that is still terrible but probably sadly all too common. At least in this forest irl it would be, but it would usually be after 6 sessions So there wouldn't be the attachment issues. I'm very sorry this happened. I also had PTSD from a very poorly handled therapy by a clinical psychologist. (and also from other abuse).. He terminated me, after a longer time. I paid for the therapy. Personally I would not email her again, but I think you need to follow your heart. If it would in any way help with closure then .. although I think typing the email out or writing it and tearing it up might work better. She does not sound like a good therapist imo

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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 08:18 PM
  #3
Thanks Fuzzy bear. I'm sorry your psychologist terminated you as well. I hope things got better for you eventually.

Yes, I paid for all of my therapy back then. She has an extremely nice side and an occasional moody mean side as well, IMO. She told me she was spending 4 hours per day on me outside of therapy. I never ask her to do that, but that's very nice of her. I remember the last two telehealth video therapy sessions. I couldn't understand some things. Like, started doing therapy right by her bed. And some things makes me uncomfortable talking about it, but she would move her legs up to her chest and ... uggg I don't even want to talk about it. She would lift and move her breast around with her knee. Maybe that's fine, and maybe I'm just not used to those things. I'm not mad at her anymore. She said so many things that just seemed odd. It was a battle in my mind trying to figure out if it was some therapy techniques, or if she kind of liked me. Like she said my girlfriend might be a psychologist. I'm not innocent either. I told her early on that she's one million percent my type. She told me there appears to be something going on between us, which means she felt something as well.

I just want to move on and forget her if she's never going to contact me, but there's so much I haven't said. My 2nd therapist said I have ptsd because of her. I want to email, to at least get proper closure that I so desperately need, but she won't reply. Your advice is good. Just need to be strong and hang in there.

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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 08:25 PM
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Thanks Fuzzy bear. I'm sorry your psychologist terminated you as well. I hope things got better for you eventually.

Yes, I paid for all of my therapy back then. She has an extremely nice side and an occasional moody mean side as well, IMO. She told me she was spending 4 hours per day on me outside of therapy. I never ask her to do that, but that's very nice of her. I remember the last two telehealth video therapy sessions. I couldn't understand some things. Like, started doing therapy right by her bed. And some things makes me uncomfortable talking about it, but she would move her legs up to her chest and ... uggg I don't even want to talk about it. She would lift and move her breast around with her knee. Maybe that's fine, and maybe I'm just not used to those things. I'm not mad at her anymore. She said so many things that just seemed odd. It was a battle in my mind trying to figure out if it was some therapy techniques, or if she kind of liked me. Like she said my girlfriend might be a psychologist. I'm not innocent either. I told her early on that she's one million percent my type. She told me there appears to be something going on between us, which means she felt something as well.

I just want to move on and forget her if she's never going to contact me, but there's so much I haven't said. My 2nd therapist said I have ptsd because of her. I want to email, to at least get proper closure that I so desperately need, but she won't reply. Your advice is good. Just need to be strong and hang in there.

That sounds extremely unprofessional on her part imo.

Healthy boundaries are very important in therapy. This woman sounds very messed up. The messed up therapist told me I ''made him feel impotent''.... And also asked if I wanted to sit on his lap and if I thought he would..
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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 08:25 PM
  #5
Hi, stahrgeyzer, I'm sorry you are hurting so much. This seems more like a real grief, like when a loved one dies. I don't know if you should email her again or not. But I feel you maybe should have some therapy with a grief counselor, or in a grief support group. This kind of sorrow & pain can be experienced with many different kinds of deeply felt losses, such as after a divorce or when an adored pet passes away, or when important people in our lives move far away, even after losing a job. I hope you can somehow receive help from somewhere. God bless you.
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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 08:41 PM
  #6
Wow Fuzzybeat! That therapist sounds like a nightmare. I would consider reporting him. It's crazy how some therapist do more harm than good. But hopefully that's not the norm.
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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 04:57 AM
  #7
I don't know what to do. It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. My 2nd therapist said I have ptsd because of my first therapist who's a clinical psychologist. I have so much anger for my 1st therapist. She cared for me like nobody has. Then I got very suicidal because my life exploded & the double dosage of zoloft took away my emotions making life seem dark and pointless. She puts me in the psych ward & calls me the 2nd day while I'm in the psych ward telling me she can never be my therapist ever again. She's a clinical psychologist but said I need more intensive care than she can give me, and doesn't even care enough about me to recommend another therapist for me. When I needed her the most, she abandons me. What kind of a clinical psychologist does that? No therapy is worse! I come out of the psych ward with no therapist. My sister says I have to leave the house within 1 week because they're selling the house. So I end up homeless for 5 weeks. It's been 5 months since my 1st therapist abandoned me but I still feel so traumatized from her that it's all my brain will let me think about. My 2nd therapist said 1st therapist should at least give me closure. Over the months I sent her about 5 emails. She just ignores me. The last email I sent her was nothing but thanking her for every individual thing she did for me when she cared about me. I wished her the best in life. But now, I can't take it anymore. I was always so nice to her! She said she loved working with me. I'm sooooooo angry with her! I just want to write an email telling her how I really feel! How can she tell me she cares about me so many times and then abandons me in a psych ward knowing full well I'll most likely be homeless soon, not even caring enough to find one referral for me, not give me closure, ignoring my emails. She makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I've talked to about a half dozen therapist & my psychiatrist that she worked with. None of them understand her actions. One said she's being cruel to me by not giving me closure. The head therapist in the psych ward thought she might be having reverse transference. I don't want to lash out at her but I'm so hurt and traumatized by her. I cycle through suicidal thoughts and sometimes planning because of her. All I want to know is should I send her an email telling her how I really feel?
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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 09:13 PM
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I hesitate to post anything here out of fear of upsetting you, but have you considered that you'll just have to move on? I am not discounting your pain. But just trying to help. You might have to take the loss and move on with life. Because ultimately, life lived thinking about your past therapist (who clearly hurt you) is much worse than a life lived not thinking about the past therapist who hurt you.

I've had similar b.s. with therapists. It sucks. It really does.

Also, have you found some other mental health professionals that you can work with and can make progress with? I think that'd be important too.

One time I got traumatized by some girl who lived in the group home with me, all of us mentally ill and hurting a lot. I mean, dang. I haven't even talked about that for years. But go figure, the head psychiatrist there said "I'll just have to get over her". I mean, what a blow. It's awful that we have to go through things like this.

When we get involved with someone on that level, and then that person abandons us, it hurts a lot.

If you feel differently than what I've said here, please disregard my advice, but just know that there are people out there who do care.

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Default Oct 11, 2020 at 09:24 PM
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Yes that's good advice. I'm just trying to get my brain to forget & move on, but it reminds me dozens of times every day. The head therapist at the psych ward said in my case it's similar, but in a different way, like a girlfriend breaking up with you, not telling you why, and blocking you from contacting her forever. She saved my life and cared about me, or at least I thought. She was the most important person to me, and the only person who ever made me feel like they actually care about me. At the end she said she was spending 3 to 4 hours per day on me outside of therapy. Not that I asked her to.

Yeah I have new clinical psychologist now, but I'm afraid to death to tell her just about anything for fear she'll dumb me.
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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 11:10 AM
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Yes that's good advice. I'm just trying to get my brain to forget & move on, but it reminds me dozens of times every day. The head therapist at the psych ward said in my case it's similar, but in a different way, like a girlfriend breaking up with you, not telling you why, and blocking you from contacting her forever. She saved my life and cared about me, or at least I thought. She was the most important person to me, and the only person who ever made me feel like they actually care about me. At the end she said she was spending 3 to 4 hours per day on me outside of therapy. Not that I asked her to.

Yeah I have new clinical psychologist now, but I'm afraid to death to tell her just about anything for fear she'll dumb me.
Do you trust your current clinical psychologist?

If so, it might be a good idea to tell him/her about this. It sucks to just keep this to yourself, I'm sure.

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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 05:01 PM
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I'm trying to trust the new psychologist. Maybe what you said influenced me during therapy today because for some reason I told her about what happened with my 1st psychologist. She was very understanding, and puzzled about 1st psychologist. She thinks 1st psychologist might have some previous traumatic experience with a suicidal client. Anyway, it was good. she understood and want to be my therapist.
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Default Oct 12, 2020 at 05:25 PM
  #12
Therapists are only human, and sometimes they are simply not equipped to handle certain patients which is a big reason they choose to stop seeing that patient. For all you know this therapist may have gotten into the field due to a close friend or family member that took their own life. It's not necessarily that you are bad as that this therapist most likely felt she/he could not help you. Perhaps the therapist even felt you depended to much on him/her too.

It's not always easy to sit and deal with different patients, some therapists actually experience burnouts and breakdowns themselves.
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