Sadness over a (sort of) crush

At one of the places I volunteer, my supervisor, who I realized a little while ago that I sort of have feelings for him (he's such a great person and I'm very drawn to him emotionally), invited me to a volunteer happy hour event in an email. I said I'd go. It sounds fun! He responded and gave me his cell phone number in case I can't find them. I recognize rationally, that all this means is that he may trust me enough to give me his number so that if I have trouble finding them, I can call. But emotionally, I really wanted to see this as something more.

Here's all the reasons I don't think he's likely into me. He's the director of the organization I volunteer for. He's super super social. He's kind to everyone (I don't want to "read into" his kindness). Treats everyone the same. He seems like a kind extrovert. I've looked him up on facebook. A couple months ago I friended him on facebook. He did not accept it. It stayed in limbo. A week later I cancelled the request. I also don't really know much of anything about him. He doesn't talk about his personal life. There's stuff online about him, really interesting stuff, but its not stuff he's personally shared with me. I've read, and believe to be true, that when a guy likes you, you'll know. And in this situation, I don't know. It seems more that I like him and he is just a really nice and social guy.

Then I have dark thoughts. Like "of course he wouldn't like me. I've shared with him about my mental health, disability, I'm sure I've overshared too and I'm so socially awkward."
What mean things to say to myself.

I think I'm just horny and lonely bc its a freaking pandemic. Its truly.......its nice to have a crush and just let it be that, actually.

I'm just struggling with dark thoughts, and some disappointment bc I really think the facts point to "no" in terms of any sort if romantic interest. After every time I see him, I feel this way. Lol. I'd like to be kinder to myself. I'm as worthy if a relationship as any other woman is. I'm dorky and playful and intelligent and I'm cute, lol.

I think its also important to say, these feelings I have for him, I've never told him a thing. So he has no idea. I mean, who knows what he thinks of me or what he may think I think. Maybe he doesn't want to cross a boundary. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Also, I'm not sure how sexual it is for me. I think its just deeply emotional, for me. This dude is awesome. I don't fantasize about him sexually or anything. And I don't really think about him much unless I've just seen or talked to him.

I'm going to go to the event I was invited to and have fun

I would prefer that people abstain from saying "yeah I think he likes you" or "no I don't think he likes you." That's not something I'm asking here and I won't find those types of responses helpful. Thanks.

After writing this out, I'm not sure I even need a response from anyone, unless someone feels moved to say something. But I'm feeling ok. I just needed to get this out.

You know what they say "Better out than in." so I'm glad writing it out helped. I hope you have fun at the event

I think you are definitely worthy of good things so glad you are tackling those dark thoughts about yourself!

@Discombobulated Thank you!


You know, I'd thought about it more too, and I'm not certain that we'd even be a good match anyway. But I appreciate and enjoy his presence and kindness.

@Raindropvampire Thanks for listening!

I've noticed that in a number of your posts here you indicate what you are or are not looking for. To me you seem quite assertive that way: you indicate that you have a pretty clear idea of what you want, and you say what that is.

Hi Bill, Are you referring to my other post in relationships / communication? I posted in that thread that despite having difficulty being assertive in that instance (which has improved since I wrote that post), I know what assertiveness is and am assertive. (I don't have an answer as to why it "wavers / changes," of course, I'm working on this) Thanks though.

I'm sorry, I don't recall which forums or posts specifically. I just have an overall impression of your success at intending (I know you know what it is ) and implementing assertiveness, about which I wanted to compliment you.

Compliment appreciated. Thank you!

I agree with Bill, I notice you are good at stating (in a kind way) what you need and your boundaries - you inspire me in that way.

Thank you! @Discombobulated

@Discombobulated @Bill3 You guys made my day. Thank you!