The sudden need to talk about the past and life

(please excuse me for any mistake... i'm not a native speaker)

I posted a lot in this forum in the last two years and the contents were mostly negative and repeated themselves
i'm kind of sorry for that because i know this aspect of the internet can be dangerous too

i had an escalation of realizations lately and even thought i know this is not gonna go anywhere, i feel the need to grab my past like a blanket
And since i feel sorry for what i've been and how it impacted on others' lives, is kind of an atonement what i'm (irrationally, etc) trying to have

The point of this is that there is no point
It's hard to be a grown woman with more urgent thing to do and feel the need to talk about lost love, and everything i did wrong with my life to the point i failed at everything because I know how frustrating it can be for the therapist

I talk alone a lot, because when you've been such a human disaster, and inflicted pain and lost precious people by being ungrateful, who's gonna hear you?

Kind people on this forum suggested that i should try to forgive myself
But i think i went beyond... and this is life

So the need to talk is just a way to comfort myself again
Like "I did this but I wish I didn't"

I feel i'm in a phase where i can't use regrets anymore
That's why i just go back to memories and fall into them
But it is dysfunctional...i know

Best wishes from one human disaster to another.

Best wishes

I thought I would write a bit more in response to your post because it really struck home with me. I hope that's okay.

I feel a constant urge to talk about the past. I don't do it though. I don't see a therapist. And there's no one else who would want to hear it... or should for that matter. Plus... as I get older I'm losing more-&-more of the spotty memory I had to begin with. So I now no longer even trust that I could put together a coherent history. And there would be so many different aspects to it, it would be difficult integrate them all into the picture.

My life has been such a confusing, disturbing mess it takes my breath away just to think about it. I wish it were possible to understand how I turned out the way I did. But it's not. It certainly wasn't intentional. I think about the various aspects of it almost constantly. But I don't talk about it alone. Perhaps I should. Or perhaps I should journal. But I've never been into that sort of thing.

You mentioned forgiveness. I used to have an internet friend (until I dumped him... just like I have most everyone in my life.) He was a Christian. (I'm an atheist.) My former internet friend always used to encourage me to forgive myself. However, from my perspective, there are things that are so egregious self-forgiveness is inappropriate. And in such a case the only option is simple acceptance. "I did this. It's in the past. There's nothing I can do about it now. So that's it." Lately, though, I've felt compelled to age-regress because of all the confusion, guilt & shame I carry secretly within me. It all makes me want to be little as a means of escape.

That feeling of self-forgiveness being inappropriate--what do you do when it's not only inappropriate, but there's no accepting it, either? Yes, there might not be anything I can do to change what happened, but I still have the capacity to mete out terrible punishment to myself, and often do so with relish in the moment.

I don't know how you ever come to a point where you simply accept it. It's not enough for me to want to accept it. I want to punish.

I wish I had the answer to this. But I do understand about meting out terrible punishment to oneself. I have made 2 major suicide attempts in the past plus I have self-injured to the extent I have permanent physiological problems resulting from it. I am at least passively suicidal every day.

For me, acceptance is an ongoing day-to-day, moment-to-moment exercise. There will never come a time when I can accept what I did & be done with it. The best I can do is to strive for acceptance in the moment. And I do that by trying, as best I can, to allow whatever disturbing thoughts & memories arise to be present (because they are anyway.) Then I breathe into them, perhaps smile to them, & possibly even place a hand over my heart as a sign of lovingkindness & compassion for them as well as for myself. This is a Buddhist practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". There is a mental-health-oriented description of this practice I sometimes link members to. Here it is:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

There is, however, also an article in PC's archives I'm fond of. The article is on the subject of grief & loss. But the "Self-Compassion Break Exercise" described at the end of the article is very much in keeping with the practice of compassionate abiding & is, I think, apropos:

What My Dog Taught Me about Grief and Loss

May it be of benefit.

P.S. I do believe, based on my own personal experience, that following this practice over time does result in some general improvement. It's not a cure. But it does result in some level of healing.

I can relate...
Never been a very nostalgic person before the last years of my life; i was neither looking forward, but wandering everywhere with the mind.... everywhere but into home... into how to make my life healthier and safe

And this clashes with what I've been in other moments of my life... quite practical, and serious. tried at least

Actually it was not really a rollercoaster with ups and downs but more a "evil" lake that i won't escape


My father was a victim along with my mother... of mine
They haven't been perfect when I was young I have to say, but still

I can't believe what "daughter" i've been as an adult in the late part of my life
So passive-aggressive, stupid, cruel

And all the people I let go without saying sorry taking them for granted
One in particular is hauting me

Most people do the best they can. God forgives all for everything, should we wish it. It is written. Forgiving ourselves is an act of gentle love from God. Not forgiving can, does, has, and may lead to outright evil. Jealousy, lies, cheating, murder. You need to search your soul. What is so special about you that you cannot forgive you, but God can? So, you are more talented and unique than your creator? That is your illness talking to you.

Hugs!

I am living proof of this because of my inability to forgive myself for the past, and so it bubbles up to the surface. The constant tension of not wanting to forgive oneself, I believe, warps everything through the lens of ego so that when it comes out, when we try to act in a way that is "good," it comes out stained by taint of that self-hatred. We hang onto such hatred, I believe, as a way to protect ourselves from the criticism of others, as though we try to preemptively punish ourselves and thereby avoid social embarrassment for evil deeds we recognize in our past.

I think we are all perfect. So perfect as humans and life is a learning road. We aren't good or bad. We react and interact with the circumstances according to the tools we have in any moment. All of us influence ones on the others and many reactions to even our loved people are influenced. What matters is to be ourselves and minimize these influences that comes from the outside and don't let us be ourselves.
I don't know if I make sense.
It's not easy to forgive oneself. It requires some kind of distant from one own.