How to deal with epiphanies

Hello
Sorry in advance for the content

I recently experienced an epiphany about things that happened when i was young and not caring about a person who i should have never let go.
10+years has passed and truth is I've just been a lazy *** b***h with no respect for him and life
I removed what happened through years

And Now i know what hell is

Im going mad

So this is hell, discovering Death for real and realizing you ****ed up
I really couldnt do it before my father's passino away

Dear Gasplessy,

I am glad you had an epiphany. Those can provide so much clarity. I am not able to understand everything you wrote about. I think that is because my command of the English language is not good. I hope you will find some relief from the terrible pain you are experiencing.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Hi Gasplessy,
I hope you find relief soon. I also do not fully understand the post.

I've been a beast, playing with life not knowing grief
Sorry, i just need to repeat it cause time is over but don't need replies
For about a decade I've been so self-indulgent and caused this nightmare to happen

Now and i can't escape it anymore
Life gave me maaany chance

Oh my...

Yes, insights and epiphanies aren't necessarily the great positive experiences people assign to them, that's true, and I've had my own awakening of insight which nearly destroyed me, as well, @Gasplessy. That's right. Very, very painful. But they say life is here to teach us and if that's true, then that's all the whole point must be - our mistakes and accompany remorse's are there only to teach. Life has struck you like a terrible thunderbolt and now you know, Gasplessy. There's no more point reliving and dwelling in the hell. You can leave and drag yourself out from the darkness and back into the lovely sunshine where it's okay to feel happy. No ones judging, no one of great importance at least. You are free now!!🤩

I don't want to ne negative, you are right (Thank you)
I really caused a hell in my specific case just because i didn't fight or believe in life for years
I've been a monster, it's a specific case
I can't believe what I've been but i lost everything like losing all' your money at the casino
Almost literally

I can't believe it

Sorry

So Sorry about Your Loss, @Gasplessy! Please do keep writing if that Helps You Coping. We won't judge. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Gasplessy, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Lauryn Hill - Adam Lives In Theory (Unplugged) - YouTube

Love this just remember you didn't know then what you know now. I wouldn't judge anyone. If you can forgive yourself, then that's a wonderful act of kindness, and that's something you can feel proud for having done.
Very sorry for your losses. It sounds like you've had a cloud over you for a long time

Its okay to make mistakes. Its just good to learn from them.

I condamned my family
I needed medications, wasn't aware
Been asleep and lazy through my twenties and I deserve this nightmare but people around me don't. I wish I could give back life to them but i see this is part of the punishment for what i've been

I was offered tender sincere love when young by a guy, i rejected him to go after a bad one behaving like a cold *****
He waited for me i never tried to take him back
I stayed with the other one for three years without love. I gave my body and time to a person i wasn't in love with who criticized me and was rough (I was frustrated and bad too)
I was having problems with university, lied and eventually dropped out
Then i finally broke up but in the meanwhile possibly had some kind of psychiatric removal about leaving badly the first guy and I never tried to contact him
This happened from 21 to 25
At 25-26 i tried psychoteraphy but failed to talk sincerely about my life and didn't repair anything
From 28 to today i've been unemployed and isolated, childish but unable to fight back
When my father died to covid i browsed trough old memories for the first time after years of regression and found out about that guy
It was an original trauma and I got desperate per everything
In the last six years of disorders i looked for love with lost eyes and went through random dating and "casual sex", bad brief relationships
I am Virgin still because i have vaginismus. Tried therapy but failed to solve it
The guy i lost when Young was the only one who have looked at me with love in this life and I can't believe from here that we have been an entire life apart and are going to die like this with an unborn love
Sorry, i have been absent and crazy and careless
I partly blame the bad quality of psycotherapy i had in 2014 but that's it; i created this worst scenario

Trying to better explained my crazy story
Hell to liars, and i've been childish, lazy and fake

I knew about time but didn't fight

I hug my crying mother and close my eyes again unable to face the hopelessness

I am from humble working class family and destroyed everything.

I regret the way i dealt with my mother when she was alive. It hurts me every day. I told God to tell my mother sorry and have been trying to patch things up with family members, fortunately i didnt hurt many family members, but i was rude to various members. Have respect for yourself and for others, you will make your life easier and enjoyable this way.

I feel devastated by the realizations
I wish i'd met my current therapist before. She would have helped me remembering about him since she works with memories
Now i got all' my memories back but it's been 10 years from the event.
F*ucking crazy what i've been in general

But truth is this life gave me many, many chances

To the readers
Sorry i just feel the need to vent and the psychologist is on Christmas vacations
I use this thread to write my thoughts anonymously