Feeling lost

I feel lost in life. My life has been a waste of time. I have no achievements. No job prospects. No passions. No hobbies. No interests. No goals. No motivation. Furthermore, I am not sociable to be a friend or a partner. I am currently unemployed and I spend my time in my apartment alone in front of my computer. I go out twice a week to the nearest grocery store. I only talk to my parents and siblings over the phone. Other than that I don't open my mouth to speak. That pretty much summarizes my life. When I was younger I was motivated by envisioning the future life that I wanted. But with the passing of time, my envisioned future was shattered by the reality of failure in all aspects of life.

You're not a failure @Diurnal . It's really hard to deal with misfortune and discouragement. It's easy to get beaten down and all you can do is take stock, recalibrate and recover. What do you do on the computer? It's good that you are doing something, getting your own shopping, and reaching out here.
Are you getting any help dealing with these painful feelings? It sounds like you have been really discouraged, so it's too painful to try again for fear of not succeeding.
Is there anyone in your life that gives you hope and encouragement?

I'm sorry, @Diurnal. Good luck to you. I'll be wishing for you.

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Originally Posted by KBMK You're not a failure @Diurnal . It's really hard to deal with misfortune and discouragement. It's easy to get beaten down and all you can do is take stock, recalibrate and recover. What do you do on the computer? It's good that you are doing something, getting your own shopping, and reaching out here. Are you getting any help dealing with these painful feelings? It sounds like you have been really discouraged, so it's too painful to try again for fear of not succeeding. Is there anyone in your life that gives you hope and encouragement?

I do feel discouraged to try. To be honest, not having anyone in my life is the probably the main reason of my situation. I once worked in a prestigious institution and was getting paid well, but being alone all the time and not being able to form friendships and relationships made me feel "what's the point?", and from there my life has spiraled downward, and I have been stuck in this vicious cycle ever since.

I am in the same boat too. Going through a terrible break up, I was retrenched and from there I just lost interest. The part of always being disappointed is what bugs me. I have applied to several jobs but nothing. It's really hard but I try to be hopeful. So you can start by doing little things like even making your bed and you'll feel some sort of relief that you did something. Wish you all the best. Hugs and kisses.

Relationships are not easy, and everyone has complicated reasons for their own relationship difficulties. We learn about ourselves in relationships, and sometimes we get some unhelpful lessons that teach us we're someone other than ourselves, and teach us to have unrealistic expectations. We get into things that aren't right for us, and get sick of feeling out of touch, and out of place.
I don't know anyone that's totally happy with themselves and their relationships.
"Start small" is really good advice. You're making yourself heard here. You write eloquently. There are lots of people who sympathize with what you're going through, and know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you ever felt like this before?

Also, are you getting any help from a doctor or therapist?

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Originally Posted by KBMK Relationships are not easy, and everyone has complicated reasons for their own relationship difficulties. We learn about ourselves in relationships, and sometimes we get some unhelpful lessons that teach us we're someone other than ourselves, and teach us to have unrealistic expectations. We get into things that aren't right for us, and get sick of feeling out of touch, and out of place. I don't know anyone that's totally happy with themselves and their relationships. "Start small" is really good advice. You're making yourself heard here. You write eloquently. There are lots of people who sympathize with what you're going through, and know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Have you ever felt like this before?

I have never been sociable, but I was able to form a sort of friendships during school and university. But about 7-8 years ago, I have become very withdrawn with severely damaged self-esteem. I didn't feel this despair before. I was hopeful and motivated. But at some point, the light at the end of the tunnel disappeared, and everything has become dark and bleak.

I don't see a doctor or a therapist. I probably should, but I feel strongly negative about this. I don't see it would help with my state of mind. They would tell me I am wrong and I need a paradigm shift, and I would have to change for things to change, and I need to try and test my hypotheses (fears) ... etc. I know that, and everyone tells me this. Just finished a call with my parents, and they basically told me this: I am a failure, and everyone is better than me because I have a closed mind, and keep myself locked inside my apartment, and I have to see a doctor! Needless to say, I became defensive, and ended the call. I know I need to change, but I don't have a strong motivation to change. I know it's ironic, but it is what it is.

I don't think you necessarily need to change. It's probably the right thing to end that call if you feel like you're getting bashed. No reason to put up with that. It's totally understandable, and unfortunate. If you've put all your hope in things which have gotten away from you, and it's got lost...that's a really hard thing to survive. People should be able to put some hope and faith in you, but likely they're getting overly concerned or pitying instead.
It's easy to get sucked into negative cycles, or spiral downward if you're not getting any positive reinforcement, or enjoying life.
It might be hard to think of what's made you happy in the past too, if you're grieving for things that have made you happy, or dreams that have made you happy. I don't know whether all doctors or therapists would want you to change. I think a lot of therapists are interested in helping people process their feelings. Sometimes there's feelings that need processing to get out of despair.

I know the feeling of lonliness and despair. In fact i feel it every day at least somewhat. I knew i had to do something about it or i would have to just become a vegetable. i was in a vehicle accident in the early 1980s and almost left me a vegetable and i didn't want my family to help me. they actually called an ambulance to get me to go there. at first i didn't like it but throughout the years grew to thank them. I hope you don't get as bad as i was as there is still time for you and there is so much to do and learn. hobbies, motivation skills or just plain listening to music. you can even learn to play an instrument. I am sorry but i think music healed me partway. I played piano, but even though i dont play alot anymore, because my son lives with me qnd i don't have as much time to practice. I am now trying to learn the flute. I am stressing music for the reason the it could be one way out of your lonliness and bad feelings. Plus you can meet other musicians and they can help you. Good luck!!

Life can be so tough. I've lost sight of the light before too. I'm glad I survived suicidal depression, and got to meet some amazing people and do some awesome things that I would never have imagined doing.
There isn't an easy or quick way out of despair. Sometimes I think that that getting lost is a good way to actually find yourself too, and find your own path. I know it's scary, but sometimes you do just have to explore a little to find the things that are missing from your life.
It doesn't have to be big things, but even just exploring ideas, like the idea of success.
You are probably having lots of successes every day. I know from personal experience, that if you have been motivated by stress for a long time, and been managing crises, it's hard to shift to being motivated by excitement, and the day to day stuff can seem really mundane.
You don't have to take any of this to heart, of course, it's just ideas. I know what you mean about testing fears/hypotheses too...it sounds like you've been undermined. If you're focused on impending crises, there's nothing wrong with that per se, but it can get you a bit paralyzed.
Do you feel like there is no hope in the whole world?

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Originally Posted by KBMK Life can be so tough. I've lost sight of the light before too. I'm glad I survived suicidal depression, and got to meet some amazing people and do some awesome things that I would never have imagined doing. There isn't an easy or quick way out of despair. Sometimes I think that that getting lost is a good way to actually find yourself too, and find your own path. I know it's scary, but sometimes you do just have to explore a little to find the things that are missing from your life. It doesn't have to be big things, but even just exploring ideas, like the idea of success. You are probably having lots of successes every day. I know from personal experience, that if you have been motivated by stress for a long time, and been managing crises, it's hard to shift to being motivated by excitement, and the day to day stuff can seem really mundane. You don't have to take any of this to heart, of course, it's just ideas. I know what you mean about testing fears/hypotheses too...it sounds like you've been undermined. If you're focused on impending crises, there's nothing wrong with that per se, but it can get you a bit paralyzed. Do you feel like there is no hope in the whole world?

I feel there is no hope for me. I feel I am not fit to live in this world.

I believe all of this is just a manifestation of an accumulated and unresolved problem since my childhood. My father was/is very critical of me, and when I was a little kid he even was physically hitting me. So, I have developed this fear of trying. It's strange how strong it is in me.

The idea of being rejected and/or being criticized (socially or professionally) if I want to try is enough for me to abort the idea of trying. Even applying for jobs to survive is so discouraging.

People may assume I am young, but I am not, and the idea that I am behind in life, is another source of discouragement.

In summary, I am caught in this cycle: fear => not trying/persist => not succeeding/achieving => see myself as a failure => discouraged => stronger fear => not trying ... etc.

That's really rough! I can sympathize with that feeling of not being good enough... or good AT ALL. It doesn't matter what age you are. A parent's impact on your self-belief is huge! It helped me to learn about TA.
I made attempts on my life at 15, and thought that was the worst of it, but I really hadn't been living after that. I learned in TA about "scripts" and "drivers" we get from our parents. It's hard to accept, but I learned that my mother's behaviours...or our "transactions", had lead me to behave so as not to exist. My driver was "do not exist".
If you think about it, everytime someone says "Don't be..." or "Don't be so..." ...you maybe stop hearing the specifics of the criticism, and just internalise the message "Don't BE".
It's not even likely to be intentional. Some parents just CAN NOT cope with their kids

Surviving childhood physical and emotional trauma is a big success. I'm not surprised you're not where you want to be, but I bet you have WAY more strengths and talents than you can even believe. It takes tons of energy to manage internalised criticism, and tons of energy to release the feelings that have been bottled. Sending loads of hugs and warm wishes

I was raised with the idea that nothing is important in life other than education and money, and that people's respect is gained only by your social status you have from your job, money and possessions in general. That's why I wasn't allowed to go outside and play as a kid, and was hit when I got B at school. I wasn't encouraged to socialize. On the contrary, I was criticized for it. I was repeatedly told that "people are your enemy, and don't wish you well, and only books are your friends".

Also, my father has high expectations of me and I should conform to his vision. I must dress, act, and talk according to his vision. Otherwise, I would be criticized.

I am severely damaged emotionally and psychologically. He doesn't realize it, and refuse to admit he has anything to do with it. It's all my fault according to him. I am just a child adult. I have the maturity of child in an adult body. I have no resilience and no strengths, and small setbacks can throw me in beds for days.

Hi @Diurnal , I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I don't think your father does have high expectations for you at all. I think your father has very narrow, small, and inappropriate expectations for you to be an obedient child.
Of course that will have set you back, especially when that's enforced with violent words and actions. Everyone has an inner child, and emotional maturity comes from overcoming challenges and understanding how your emotions relate to your own actions.
Struggling with your emotions doesn't make you immature or damaged.
You are VERY strong to have survived a violent childhood, and to be talking about it, and taking care of yourself as well as you do.
This might seem like an odd suggestion, but do you have any pictures of yourself as a child?
You weren't equipped to process the suffering you endured as a child. You were small, and still developing.
Maybe you have compassion for that child that you were? And can see that you have different strengths as an adult?

I am crying right now. That's all I can do. I feel so hopeless to do anything. I am a lost cause. I wish I didn't exist. It would have been so much better for me and for the world. My life is just a pain and passing of time. Nothing more.

It's OK to cry @Diurnal and to do just what you need to do. Sending big hugs hopes and prayers

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I think talking to a therapist might help. You have nothing to lose, and you might find out that all is not lost. In other words, don't allow what you were told in the past to determine who you are. I had a horrific childhood (just as you did)......People (like your father) who are so critical are quite often insecure.Your father was so wrong....people are NOT the enemy.....but sadly HE was the enemy in your life with all of that abuse. Is there something you would like to do? Abusers are often so insecure and dislike themselves, and so they put all of that abuse on an innocent child. There was and is.....nothing wrong with you. It takes courage to try to ignore the lies you were told, but you can.....choose to take little baby steps and begin to recognize those voices which tell lies about yourself.

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Originally Posted by Marie123 I think talking to a therapist might help. You have nothing to lose, and you might find out that all is not lost. In other words, don't allow what you were told in the past to determine who you are. I had a horrific childhood (just as you did)......People (like your father) who are so critical are quite often insecure.Your father was so wrong....people are NOT the enemy.....but sadly HE was the enemy in your life with all of that abuse. Is there something you would like to do? Abusers are often so insecure and dislike themselves, and so they put all of that abuse on an innocent child. There was and is.....nothing wrong with you. It takes courage to try to ignore the lies you were told, but you can.....choose to take little baby steps and begin to recognize those voices which tell lies about yourself.

At this point, what I do I just do it to survive. I don't enjoy doing anything, and nothing motivates me to do anything, including getting better because I see no hope and it's late for me to build a life. My classmates are now managers/seniors in their jobs and own houses, cars, and have families and travel the world. I wasted my life pursuing advanced degrees to get a better job while they were juniors in their jobs, instead now I am unemployed, alone, and have nothing, and unemployable given my employment history with significant employment gaps. Now I have to start from the bottom as a junior, the point they were at 15 years ago. At my age, starting as a junior is not just too late, but employers don't hire people my age as juniors, and I don't have enough experience to start as a senior. My resumes don't even get responses anymore.