My abuser's wife died

So I had a terrible boss for over 10 years at my workplace. I cannot even tell you the crap that went on but, I have been without him for 3 years. But even once I was no longer working for him he found I did something wrong and tried to get me into trouble with my new boss (who laughed at it).

The abuse is and was horrific. He made me doubt myself. He killed my spirit. He had me take precious time from MY loved ones -- because I was so worked up over him. He -- I have to say it -- just about ruined my life. He probably is the reason I am not married as during my prime dating years I was too demoralized, overwelmed, and miserable to date. I HATE him and I look forward to his death.

He also, weirdly, loved his wife. His wife was an evil person as well. When my parents died, no card and she didn't come to the funeral. I was one of my bosses 3 employees so... and I happened to work for her BFF's husband before her's. So she had reason. She was very religious and wrote in magazines about religious subjects. I knew she wasn't doing well and honestly looked forward to her death.

So she croked. And this morning my new boss e-mailed me to tell me. As if I am going to the wake or anything. I responded with a "thank you for letting me know" but there is just no way I am doing anything but celebrating that.

I don't understand why they continue to act as if we are buddies. They know the long history of what was done to me. They know how he tried to get me in trouble with my new boss immediately after I left him... how can they seriously think I am going to do the decent thing. I know he would not even shed a tear at my death. Or injury.

I am also torn a little because I feel guilty. It seems wrong to be so evil and wicked to actively be happy about her death (and his because I suspect he will not last long without her) but, I feel like it is not right to be like that and I worry about Karma.. but then I think..is this his Karma? She died relatively young. 73, and after many years of ill health.

Torn and confused and desperately want to do a happy dance and pray to god that she is currently in hell.

You feel how you feel.

I'm sorry your boss (and she) treated you so badly. I'm glad you aren't working for him anymore.

Thank you. I suppose the good news is that there is no wake because of covid.. but there is a funeral mass. No way, no how am I going. And of course they want me to send him a card. No way, no how.

After thinking about it last night I have decided to fully indulge in my hate. I will not feel guilty. Both were and are evil selfish people who brought nothing but misery to this world and I hope they do receive their just desserts in the after life.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Can you explain that you rather not hear anything about your old boss?

I find these expectations odd. She's your ex-BOSS's wife that's passed. Someone you were not at all close with. Why feel guilty? Don't mix your professional life with your personal one. Had you still worked with him, it would be respectful to send him a sympathy card. Despite how he treated you, should not reflect the good person that you are. I don't understand why this new boss is telling you what you ought to do. Strange. He's not family nor is he a part of your current life.

You are not at all obliged to do anything. You no longer work together and you did not have a healthy working relationship with him before. So, you've done all you needed to do and you don't need to discuss it further.

Is this a really small town community where everyone knows each other? I live in a big city so I've never come across a scenario where I felt pressured to participate in my ex-boss's personal life.

It is sort of an inbred community. My boss still works where I do but I asked to be removed from any further involvement with him and my other boss agreed. (thought that manager has left). After moving on to my new boss I had agreed to continue doing a small job that would only keep me in touch with this old boss on limited occasions (maybe once per year) But one day he called me up and continued to try to blame me for something over and over again. I proved to him I hadn't been the problem and it didn't matter, he just kept saying I was the problem. I spent 2 days defending myself and truth didn't matter. I walked into my boss and literally said "I want a divorce"... and they granted me one.

I am astounded. The person who had my job before me, and LEFT, opening the position for me, and told me the many times he was abusive to her.. e-mailed me yesterday and asked if I was going to the funeral. I suppose I can see it in her case... after she left she came back and he did help her get the job.

But not mine.

I didn't respond.

I don't understand people..

I know the general feeling is that I am being childish or petty to hold these feelings. I have a friend who face the same situation and she is always chiding me that I shouldn't say things like "good" when I hear his wife is sick. Why shouldn't I have these feelings? But everyone acts like I was treated well.

If there is true meaning behind those heavy words of yours - that those two destroyed part of your life - I would send an anonymous celebration cake to the guy. To honour the death of the ******.

The harsh true is that not everybody is great. If she was evil she deserves to be forgotten and disrespected. I've seen way too many times people glorified by the society just because they died. Guess what.. We’re all going to die one day. However, until that day comes we have the privilege of choices. If we make bad ones we should pay for it... My advice is hit them hard and cover your tracks to stay safe.

You know what @NatalieJastrow...I think it's only human to feel a happiness, a relief, a sense of 'good riddance' towards someone who has caused so much suffering. It doesn't make you wicked or evil to have such thoughts, you're just a person. You haven't hurt anyone. You haven't harmed anyone. It's like when the villain in all the many many movies is finally vanquished and dies - we rejoice! We dance! We hug the nearest person! (all metaphorically of course) Because the evil has gone away. That's it.

Though i wouldn't go as far, celebrating other people's Deaths, i do not think You have some obligation to go There, the Funeral. After All, it doesn't seem like You were close to her, quite the opposite really. Since You clearly feel uncomfortable about it, Perhaps it is a Good IDEA avoiding going There. i Don't think You need to feel too guilty about it. it was a bad chapter in Your Life. it may be best to simply Move on. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @NatalieJastrow, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I've had mixed feelings about certain people dying. I think sometimes..."she had no integrity", and imagine her disintegrating into nothingness. It might sound weird, but it actually just releases some anger quite gently.
He could be contacting you if he isn't 100% sure he can't hook you back in. I would block him on everything, and roll your eyes if you see him on the street.
Don't waste any of your energy on them (I know, easier said than done)

It sounds like they have brainwashed people. Sounds very toxic, and best avoided imo

They are very brainwashed. This person is a Boss therefore they will never accept in their own heads that he is a terrible person. Even if he was terrible to them.

Each person who told me about the wife and seemed to be acting like we should be supportive came up to me at one point and complained about him being a jerk to them at one point... once I left they had to find people to work with him. Usually temporary because they can't take it.

I checked out the obituary last night and no one from the workplace left any sympathy notes on the obituary. Here is a snippet.

Religious but not christian. I do suspect she was at the heart of the dysfunction.

Anyway thanks for making me feel I am not crazy here.

You don't sound crazy at all! People really are not always what they make themselves to be, and it's not necessarily easy to tell what they're hiding, or know what games they're playing. If she was as toxic as you've suggested, it's very chilling, and typical that she would run a bereavement support group, taking charge of people who are at their most vulnerable.
I bet you aren't the only one with confused feelings about her death. It's very difficult to talk about stuff that dark and confusing!

You’re not crazy for feeling how you do. I wouldn’t openly celebrate someone else’s death, but you’re not obliged to go to the funeral, either. As for people who know your history asking if you’ll go, there are cases where people go to a funeral more as a confirmation that the person really is gone, than to pay their last respects, if you see what I mean? They might be thinking along those lines without saying it directly.

Err.. one reason I am always afraid to wish others ill is that I am afraid it will come back and haunt me...

Tonight I bit into a piece of candy and lost 1/2 of my tooth. I mean like 1/2 my tooth came off. Ugh. Last time this happened I needed a ton of dental work.

So ok I guess message received.

You should not blame yourself for other peoples wrong doings. Any death is sad, but its matters about you and your emotional state.