Therapist & Emotions

My therapist is trying to get me to *feel* my negative emotions instead of blocking them out or hiding from them. When I'm not paying attention, something will remind me of something horrible, and I'll just start crying. When that happens, I immediately try to swipe it away, focus on other things and move on. Apparently, I'm supposed to be able to feel those negative emotions instead.

So I'm making time every day to sit somewhere quiet, and find the negative emotions, and 'feel' them so that I can learn that nothing bad happens when you feel the negative emotions.
Except. My walls are so high and thick that I can sit for a fracking week, and nothing gets through! It's only when I'm NOT looking for it that it gets through.
I can sit there and think of bad memories, etc and it's like, 'Yep, that happened!' and I'm utterly unconcerned. If I'm sitting and watching TV, however, and something pops up, all of a sudden I'm crying!
I have a pre-teen so I can't just sit around letting myself cry at random things, so when I feel that, "I'm going to cry" feeling, I squelch it. Over the course of my almost 50 years I've squelched everything so successfully that I am unable to un-squelch.
I dread going to my next T appt and reporting that I tried every day but couldn't summon any emotion.
Ideas welcome!!!!

Dear Toughcooki,

I am so sorry you are struggling but I think the important thing is that you are trying. "Trying" is what makes people heroic and not necessarily "success." I think you are very heroic!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Thank you

Maybe the fact that certain things you see on TV have a triggering effect for you @Toughcooki, could point to a possible technique for bringing out your emotions. I'm like you in that, for me, certain movies or certain songs, for whatever reasons, can trigger me to tears. And in those tears I'm able to 'see' the underlying emotion causing it.

So that's one thing I'd like to suggest. Yes, and good on you for trying. There's absolutely nothing to dread from your therapist. Just be honest with them and that's all you need to do. They love it!

Well, it seems like my emotions can only be triggered by something outside of myself. Someone else talking, me talking to someone else, something I hear, something I see on TV, etc. Like - I can't have emotions unless something sparks it - I can't sit quietly and think about things and feel emotion, it's only something unexpected, kind of. If I know it's coming, I won't feel emotion. So - hard to create!! LOL!

Why must you not cry when you have a pre-teen around?

Are there certain things you want to sit and quietly think about? Are there incidents in your past that you feel blocked emotionally where emotions would come flooding out if you took the time to think?

The ways you listed emotions being triggered are the ways they normally are. What else triggers emotions? Something happening to you, you doing something to someone? My feeling is that forcing yourself to feel emotions when you don’t feel them is off to me. You are likely suppressing emotions about the past you never expressed when it happened?

I feel like it would be disturbing for her, to see me sitting around and crying all the time. She's seen enough of it already, I think, and there's already been enough chaos - I want to try to be as normal as possible around her, so she doesn't end up confused. If something terrible happens, and I cry, that's one thing. If I drink my coffee, and I cry, and I make the bed, and I cry, and I read a book, and I cry, and so on and so forth, that's another thing. Does that make sense?

When someone is kind to me, or concerned about me, or understanding/empathetic, I want to cry... Those are the same sorts of things I see in movies that make me want to cry. A supportive hug, someone does something good & everyone's proud of them, etc. Also, someone being hurt or sad, makes me want to cry for them.

Thing is - I think some of the things I'm suppressing emotions about are things I expressed when they happened, but there's just no way to express all that emotion. Like - My mom not only did not love me, but she actively worked to make my life miserable, and ruin my chances of happiness. If I was hurt, bleeding, etc, she would point and laugh, if that gives you any idea. Think the meanest of mean-girl behavior in school - that's what I got. Shunned, mocked, ostracized, physically injured. Trust me I cried oceans of tears over the years abt the 18 years of rejection, etc - but at some point you just have to say, this is what happened, and it's time to let it go. If I sit and think about that whole mess, I would feel sad. But why dwell on it? That's what I don't understand.

I think I am having a misunderstanding with my therapist. I think he thinks I don't allow sadness because I'm afraid of it. But sadness is pretty much the only emotion I feel. I just don't let it overwhelm me to the point where I cry, because I feel like that's unnecessary. I have done so, and when I did, I literally cried for a month, stopped eating, lost 15 lbs (not really a bad side effect, I guess, haha) and then had to just pry myself out of it bc I was worried about the effect it was going to have on my kid. I mean - I could just cry forever about the stuff that's happened to me in my life. But ....... why? What good does that do? it doesn't heal the wounds. And now I'm all stressed out and afraid because I feel like I'm going to have to argue with my therapist, and that's going to annoy him bc therapists always seem like they think that they KNOW and don't really want to hear what I think about it.

Ah, fear how could I forget? These two emotions, fear and sadness, are all I have. I love my kid - I know I do - I just can't find the FEELINGS through the haze of fear and sadness. I don't even know the purpose of all this, and sometimes feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time. (Which of course hearkens back to my mom, who informed me on a regular basis that I was a waste of space, so that when I hear the word 'waste' it reminds me of being told that I am a waste, which is one of my big fears - that I'm just a waste of everything, taking up space, no one wants me, etc. Now, see, that there makes me want to cry, lol. I don't understand the point of dredging up all that old junk just to feel sad about it when I've already felt sad about it before.)

You have good reason to express emotion, and also good reason not to. I wonder if there can be some sort of happy medium. Perhaps that would be good to discuss with your therapist?

You are putting your therapist into the authority role. Someone that has the power to judge you and tell you not to feel. People who struggle with complex ptsd often had a narcissistic parent where they were not allowed to have their own feelngs. This typically begins when a child experiences normal temper tantrums when they get frustrated about their limitations. They are often scolded and punished instead of having a presence that allows them to experience frustrations that are NORMAL to development. So, the child learns they are not allowed to feel anger and instead they end up crying.

A GOOD therapist will know this about patients and will want to help that patient finally address what could be YEARS of frustrations and pent up anger.

I think that's what he's trying to get me to figure out, lol.

Argh now I'm worried I messed up my kids! When they were feeling frustrated, I tried to help them find words to express whatever was wrong & explained stuff they couldn't have or helped them reach the shelf they were reaching for, or whatever. Was I messing them up by not letting them feel that frustration!?!?!?

Setting that worry aside, yes, I was not allowed to feel anything negative toward my parents or authority figures, or really, anyone. My T mentioned that I need to get in touch with my aggression, since I can't feel it at all. *sigh* Sometimes I feel like a layer cake. Issues upon issues upon issues.

I think what you did with your kids actually sounds pretty helpful for them, as opposed to just telling them off or dismissing their feelings when they were upset or angry. Helping them find words to express their feelings is a good thing!
I honestly don’t think my mum is a narc, but she has told me off or said stuff like “that’s just how it is” or even blamed me for something happening when I’ve been upset before. I love her in my own way, but when I’m upset she’s rarely been that helpful. I hate saying all that, but it’s true.

I think it's good that your therapist is interested in helping you get in touch with your feelings. If you shut down the negative feelings it has a knock on effect with joy and excitement, and can make it really hard to be playful and things. It's not bad to ask your kids to express their feelings with words, that is a good thing. It's not bad that you aren't getting overwhelmed with tears around them either, but it's good to get in touch with your emotions, and be able to show them all your feelings!
It's really hard to unbottle stuff. I do think it's well worth doing. It helped me getting hypnotherapy, and doing self hypnosis. Also listening to Anna Thompson. I couldn't really connect with a therapist before that, and would keep going back to a kind of script. I listened to John Bradshaw's Homecoming recently, and that brought up a lot of emotion, especially anger.
I would guess that, if you are feeling lots of sadness and fear most of the time, you have deeply suppressed your anger and joy. It can be really scary to face up to anger that's been repressed, and sad to face up to joy that's been repressed too, so sometimes it's really got to get worse for it to get better.

Thank you. Yeah, I didn't try to dismiss their feelings, but I worry that I did too much to figure things out FOR them. Seems like there's so many ways to mess kids up, there's no escape.

I've experienced those responses you mention as well from friends - that can come from people who are uncomfortable with other ppl's feelings, a feeling of powerlessness, etc. Like - 'this person is upset, I can't fix it, I want them to stop being upset so I don't have to feel bad about it, so I tell them whatever I have to tell them to make them stop.' Like a sort of social/empathy retardation. It is a hard sort of response to deal with bc it makes you feel invalidated, and defensive. Like - 'this bad thing happened to me, it's not my fault & it's really a bad thing, can't you just feel bad for me for a minute?' LOL Ah well.

That's really interesting.. I really don't feel anger OR joy. I can feel both in a brief flash, but then it's gone. I don't mind not feeling anger, as it makes me feel really uncomfortable. But I miss feeling joy. I don't know why I'd repress it - maybe I don't feel like I deserve it.
I have felt lots and lots and lots of sadness & fear about the crap things that I've dealt with in my life, but I totally have not dealt with anger at all so I can totally see how I would have repressed a whole heck of a lot of it. Kind of unnerving to imagine the levels of anger/rage I probably have boxed up in the backroom of my brain. I almost wonder if I should wait till my youngest is 18 & in college, and then check myself in someplace with a padded room to figure it out. Only another 5 or so years. I just don't think 1 hour-long sesson every month or so is going to get me through such a messy excavation.
Something to think about.... And worry about... LOL

Haha, aw, I think it's got to take as long as it takes. I don't know how much time you've got to work on this stuff. It is hard work, and lots of practice. It's probably good to think about what has ever made you really happy, and probably really painful to face up to why that's been shut down or what made you think you don't deserve that. It's hard to change your mind on these things. Good to start small sometimes, like do you even pick foods that actually make you happy? I didn't for a really long time. Totally avoided joy and anger at all costs!

I was able to get away from controlling people a few years ago, and have been trying to re-discover the things that make ME happy. I've looked through old photos, and said, "Oh, gosh, I used to have that, I miss that, I'm going to do that again" and - why did I stop putting potpourri out? Because a controlling person didn't like it, even though I loved it, I stopped. Guess who has a house that smells really pretty all the time now? LOL, Me! So I'm trying, I think. I have a lifetime of people telling me I don't deserve anything good, and I've basically been trying to find anything I can to give myself over the past few years. I have noticed that odd thing about food. I eat it whether I like it or not. it's like it doesn't matter. I do like some foods, and think, while I'm eating them, that they taste nice. But other foods, while I'm eating, I'm thinking, "Why am I eating this?" "I don't even like it" --- It's strange.
I think I avoid anger, but I sort of sacrifice joy for peace and calm. It's like - you're at the fair, do you go on the roller coaster, which is a guaranteed RUSH and you'll scream and be laughing when you get off because it was so crazy and fun while being scary at the same time.... or do you ride the merry-go-round, because there's no danger, and it's nice, the music is nice, and you can see what's going on.. no laughter, no thrills, but also no fear or danger or adrenaline at all. I sometimes think, if I never see another drop of adrenaline in the rest of my life, I'll be happy!
Are you able to find ways to experience joy/anger now? How did you get there?

I can sympathize. I think one of the worst kinds of control is when your desires are constantly undermined to the point that you actually don't want what you want anymore
It's only been a few years since I've escaped control and abuse, and it's creeped back in a few times too.
It's been really up and down for me (feeling joy and anger) because I was using food and some substances compulsively, and struggling with compulsive behaviours.
I can definitely feel anger. Hypno helped me get a sense of control with it (would highly recommend a session of Hypno or EFT if you can get one). It's loads of different things that have helped together really. Trying different therapys, exercise....learning about boundaries and healthy ultimatums, too.
Playing music, music and dancing are things that have given me really mixed feelings because of painful associations but ultimately bring me joy!
It's up and down whether I can actually go there, as it's stressful. At the minute, talking to my therapist, and taking an antidepressant, are helping me keep my emotions alive, instead of shutting the curtains on everything. Helps to deal with the past, resolve inner conflict, and grieve for what was lost/taken away.
It's been my main focus for the last few years though (getting in touch with my feelings/dreams). It's really surprised me how much has come up...like I was actually estranged from myself.
I think that's why it's good to start with little things that make you happy, because it can feel a little bit like loosing yourself, so it's good to start at home, definitely, and feel safe and comfortable at home! I like that you have your potpourri now! It was a big thing for me having colours and candles in my home
So thinking maybe start with the merry-go-round, then work up to waltzers (you can always go back to the merry-go-round), and try the rollercoaster when you're ready for it, maybe! Haha, it's a lot