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Old 10-28-2018, 01:30 PM #141
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Default Uncle Franks Letters

I fell out of touch
With my father
For many reasons.
Mainly for how selfish
He was towards my Gran Riquas.
She had developed dementia
She stopped baking
Forgot to turn the
Gas off on the cooker
And eventually could
Not take the dog walks.
I used to go round and
See that my father had
His own tea prepared
And nothing for Gran.
And sometimes I would
Drop by at night
And he would ask
Me to make Gran
A toastie because
I was female he thought
This was my job.
And I would ask
Why has gran not eaten all day?
Why do you not cook
Tea for gran when doing yours?
And he would snarl:
It was HER fault
I had to leave at 15.
Could not stand being
At home with HER anymore.
I should cook for HER?
And I was speechless
And made her a
Cheese and ham toastie
With the tea and coffee.
My father only moved
When my Grandmother
Passed away. He reaped
All the rewards.
Free roof over his head.
Smoked like a chimney .
He just sat drunk coffee.
Smoked, watched old war films
And tended to the garden.
The garden was all he
Had to show for his time.
And when Grans
Health was failing he
Did nothing. But I
Did not leave my
Longest job and
Chose to be a ****
It was honestly
The only other option
I could find on
The job market.
I was a bit deperate
To get ANYTHING else.
Even if I knew my
Personality did not
Really fit the profile.

Then when my mums
Dad passed away,
Our beloved Grandad.
I found some letters
On his book shelf
Folded inside a book.
Nobody else was
A voracious reader like me.
My mum and gran
Just read chick lit,
Danielle steel type books.
So I found letters
From Uncle Frank to
My grandfather. And
He said I found out
That Alexandria is
Having a girl, wullie
Must be so disappointed.
I scanned all the
Letters and tore
Them up and mixed
Them into the shredded
Paperwork and I did not
Feel stricken, because
I all ready knew
My father would
Have preferred a boy.
Life's a b^tch
Then I married one.
He told me one saturday
Flicking ash out
The car, not being able
To abstain smoking
To drive a whole two miles.

If it wasn't for
Gran and my lovely aunt
The visits would have
Been un bearable.
When that fell by the
Wayside I bought a second
Playstation for his house
So I could disappear for
An hours respite on
The computer. I lost
My temper one day
And told him if he
Was going to.park his
Fat a^se on that chair,
Ask me what I am
And keep on grumbling
That I did not know EXACTLY
What I was planning or
Going to be, and not
Help me financially
To attend university,
I would stop coming
And not care if I
Never saw his face again.
Or he could just
Leave me be.
I will figure it out
When the time comes.
But he had to be an
Impudent child and have
The last word and say
Your mum was lazy as well
Just wanted to go
Out all time, layitis it is called.
He thought because I
Was a girl he did not
Need to give me a straight
Answer about what
Happened with his
Leg and his health.
He would make up
Stories and laugh and
I found it impossible to
Distinguish between when
He was trying to wind
Me up and what was real.
And I would snap:
You lie that much you
Have started to believe
Your own lies,
Are you really disabled?
One minute he would
Say his leg never healed
Completely after the
Army then he would
Say he banged his head
Doing d.i.y and it was
A blockage in the brain.
Then it was connected
To his mini stroke.

He got a job as a
Welder after trying jobs
At a factory, a taxi office.
And I stopped visiting
When he said yes I have
A proper job with proper
Full time hours, not
Lazy like some people
And he grinned meaning me.
I was livid. I quit college
So I could fund my sports
Competitions and I DID
Work full time, my contract
Hours were 28 but I
Got guaranteed every second
Sunday making it full time.
And there was oodles
Of overtime up for grabs.
I said that comment is
Rich coming from you.
A few months later
A man on my department
Said I think your grandfather
Is asking if you are
On today he is outside.
And this was him
Realising his mistake.
And I caved in.
What else could I do?
I accepted his apology.
So I popped in for
Coffee now and then.
Seeing as my
Parents I lived with
Were quite indifferent
To what I was doing.
And it did not
Take long before he
Turned sour and reverted
To his old snide ways.
I never made his horlicks right.
And he gave me a tutorial
To make sure there
Wasn't any lumps nexttime.
Why did he not phone
Me when uncle A died
And I had to find out
From thug, and I turned
Red when I said I did not
Know he was gone, I
Just knew he had a tumour.
And my father said: I am
So tired at night
Now I am back working.
Some people have more
Leisure time than me
Since they decided
To take the easy way out.
And for the first
Time I did not snap back.
I knew it was impossible
To please everyone.
I was never a people pleaser.
But I did feel like
I was letting everyone down.
Those who expected
Greater things from me.
Maybe I was aimless.
I liked being able
To just work away
Answering the odd query.
Yes I can look out
The back for organic strawberries.
I would have liked a night shift job.
Barely any customers
And I could up my speed
And do the work needed.
I proved that on back shift.
But I was always
Going to have that
Bipolar breakdown so
I do not regret
My choices anymore.
Theres no way
I could have predicted
Becoming bipolar any more than a
Person could have foreseen
Getting cancer. People
Get unwell and thats life.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 10-28-2018 at 02:37 PM.
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Old 10-28-2018, 06:56 PM #142
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Default Re: Uncle Franks Letters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
I fell out of touch
With my father
For many reasons.
Mainly for how selfish
He was towards my Gran Riquas.
She had developed dementia
She stopped baking
Forgot to turn the
Gas off on the cooker
And eventually could
Not take the dog walks.
I used to go round and
See that my father had
His own tea prepared
And nothing for Gran.
And sometimes I would
Drop by at night
And he would ask
Me to make Gran
A toastie because
I was female he thought
This was my job.
And I would ask
Why has gran not eaten all day?
Why do you not cook
Tea for gran when doing yours?
And he would snarl:
It was HER fault
I had to leave at 15.
Could not stand being
At home with HER anymore.
I should cook for HER?
And I was speechless
And made her a
Cheese and ham toastie
With the tea and coffee.
My father only moved
When my Grandmother
Passed away. He reaped
All the rewards.
Free roof over his head.
Smoked like a chimney .
He just sat drunk coffee.
Smoked, watched old war films
And tended to the garden.
The garden was all he
Had to show for his time.
And when Grans
Health was failing he
Did nothing. But I
Did not leave my
Longest job and
Chose to be a ****
It was honestly
The only other option
I could find on
The job market.
I was a bit deperate
To get ANYTHING else.
Even if I knew my
Personality did not
Really fit the profile.

Then when my mums
Dad passed away,
Our beloved Grandad.
I found some letters
On his book shelf
Folded inside a book.
Nobody else was
A voracious reader like me.
My mum and gran
Just read chick lit,
Danielle steel type books.
So I found letters
From Uncle Frank to
My grandfather. And
He said I found out
That Alexandria is
Having a girl, wullie
Must be so disappointed.
I scanned all the
Letters and tore
Them up and mixed
Them into the shredded
Paperwork and I did not
Feel stricken, because
I all ready knew
My father would
Have preferred a boy.
Life's a b^tch
Then I married one.
He told me one saturday
Flicking ash out
The car, not being able
To abstain smoking
To drive a whole two miles.

If it wasn't for
Gran and my lovely aunt
The visits would have
Been un bearable.
When that fell by the
Wayside I bought a second
Playstation for his house
So I could disappear for
An hours respite on
The computer. I lost
My temper one day
And told him if he
Was going to.park his
Fat a^se on that chair,
Ask me what I am
And keep on grumbling
That I did not know EXACTLY
What I was planning or
Going to be, and not
Help me financially
To attend university,
I would stop coming
And not care if I
Never saw his face again.
Or he could just
Leave me be.
I will figure it out
When the time comes.
But he had to be an
Impudent child and have
The last word and say
Your mum was lazy as well
Just wanted to go
Out all time, layitis it is called.
He thought because I
Was a girl he did not
Need to give me a straight
Answer about what
Happened with his
Leg and his health.
He would make up
Stories and laugh and
I found it impossible to
Distinguish between when
He was trying to wind
Me up and what was real.
And I would snap:
You lie that much you
Have started to believe
Your own lies,
Are you really disabled?
One minute he would
Say his leg never healed
Completely after the
Army then he would
Say he banged his head
Doing d.i.y and it was
A blockage in the brain.
Then it was connected
To his mini stroke.

He got a job as a
Welder after trying jobs
At a factory, a taxi office.
And I stopped visiting
When he said yes I have
A proper job with proper
Full time hours, not
Lazy like some people
And he grinned meaning me.
I was livid. I quit college
So I could fund my sports
Competitions and I DID
Work full time, my contract
Hours were 28 but I
Got guaranteed every second
Sunday making it full time.
And there was oodles
Of overtime up for grabs.
I said that comment is
Rich coming from you.
A few months later
A man on my department
Said I think your grandfather
Is asking if you are
On today he is outside.
And this was him
Realising his mistake.
And I caved in.
What else could I do?
I accepted his apology.
So I popped in for
Coffee now and then.
Seeing as my
Parents I lived with
Were quite indifferent
To what I was doing.
And it did not
Take long before he
Turned sour and reverted
To his old snide ways.
I never made his horlicks right.
And he gave me a tutorial
To make sure there
Wasn't any lumps nexttime.
Why did he not phone
Me when uncle A died
And I had to find out
From thug, and I turned
Red when I said I did not
Know he was gone, I
Just knew he had a tumour.
And my father said: I am
So tired at night
Now I am back working.
Some people have more
Leisure time than me
Since they decided
To take the easy way out.
And for the first
Time I did not snap back.
I knew it was impossible
To please everyone.
I was never a people pleaser.
But I did feel like
I was letting everyone down.
Those who expected
Greater things from me.
Maybe I was aimless.
I liked being able
To just work away
Answering the odd query.
Yes I can look out
The back for organic strawberries.
I would have liked a night shift job.
Barely any customers
And I could up my speed
And do the work needed.
I proved that on back shift.
But I was always
Going to have that
Bipolar breakdown so
I do not regret
My choices anymore.
Theres no way
I could have predicted
Becoming bipolar any more than a
Person could have foreseen
Getting cancer. People
Get unwell and thats life.
Delete: what I am. Was going to say what am I going to be, when I grew up. A better person than you crossed my mind each time.
Ammendment: lazyitis
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Old 10-29-2018, 08:34 AM #143
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Default Re: Petals

So my mum was wrong
About my father
Not wanting to know
Me incase the doctors
Found something "wrong with me"
It was David and my mum
Who wanted to get
Rid of me, because
My future was un clear.
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Old 10-29-2018, 08:57 AM #144
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Default Re: Petals

I was not well enough
To attend my Gran Riquas'
Funeral. Me having
A meltdown was
Just the final nail
Between me and
My blood father.
After the way he
Neglected my poor Gran
When she had dementia
And he was not working
And lived in the same house.
And after he had not
Worked for so long,
Been unemployed for
Over 15 years.
He had the audacity
To criticise my job,
When I was only young.
When he should have
Praised me for applying
Not once but twice
In order to get an interview.
I know he wanted
To work and was
Depressed with his
Deal of cards.
But he has no excuse
For the callousness
I recieved from him.
I had a stress related
Breakdown for doing
Too much and I
Believe that even if
My father had informed
Me of when my
Grandmother Riquas was
To be buried, I think
My mum would have
Advised me not to go.
Tongues would have wagged
If I went just as much
As when I couldn't.
Because I am not
Sure I was well enough
To be civil to my father.
I never wanted to see
Him again for the
Sake of my own sanity.
And I did not want
To rock the boat further
With David and my mum.
Why would I risk
Being homeless for
A practically absent father?
I knew that David
Was just pi^sed when
He said those thing's
And our neighbour said
My mum cried every
Night I was in the
Hospital rehab facility.
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Old 10-29-2018, 09:06 AM #145
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Default Are you sure?

I asked Fred are you
Sure you don't want
Me to come to the funeral
When his Gran passed.
And he said no.
I asked him a third
Time, after the wake,
You don't want me to come?
And again, no, you
Never met her. So
I believed that
He was embarrassed
To take me seeing
As I had been in
The psychiatric ward,
Not all too long prior.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 10-29-2018 at 10:36 AM.
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Old 10-29-2018, 03:35 PM #146
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Old 10-30-2018, 05:00 PM #147
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Default Once

Is it not amazing
How something can
Happen once yet sticks
Until someone makes
You aware of it.
They may break it kindly.
They may be cruel.
But you can be completely
Oblivious that you
Have developed a complex
Or a neurosis.

I did not snap
At bowling socks
I was mad at the
Supervisor for letting
Her friend take extra
Breaks to smoke where
I was stuck in searing
Heat with no windows
Or ventilation and
They let the saturday
Girl eat all my
Snacks that I bought
And stored in the tin.
And my blood sugar
Dropped because of
My current tablet.
So I ate your bas^ard
Of a mars bar.

When I was helping
Out front I said
That this batch does
Not smell very nice
And the co owner
Said I was obsessed
With smells and freshness.
And when I sat
And opened a book
To chill before bed I
Knew that it was
When I moved in with Friends,
It was an old building.
I tried to hang my
Clothes on the line
But in Scottish weather
That can prove difficult.
We had no tumble dryer.
So I dried a hoodie
On the radiator and
It was quite a thick ply.
And I went to
My Gran and Grandads
For tea and my mum
Was there. And I announced
I was coming home
And she said good
That hoodie smells damp.
She was sitting inches
From me and it
Just had not been dried
Quick enough. I had
Let people pick up
Clothes from our store
With similar, not smells
But just the smell of
Being dried indoors.
When I first started
The short lived job
After this one, I
Would notice other
Employees and their uniforms.
I can still remember who
Had double creases
In the sleeves
Of their tops but
Not because of my work
Experience but because
Of the way I was
Brought up. When
I broke my cassette
Player, I remember
My mum losing the plot.
Thing is I was doing
Chores that I never
Got much pocket money for
And was too young
To be doing all the time.
So I would get a rollicking:
You cannot look after anything,
Cack handed clutz!!
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Old 10-31-2018, 11:57 AM #148
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Default Re: Petals

The flat wasnt damp,
It was an old build.
Of course my mum
Would not miss
An opportunity to
Tarnish me in front
Of my gran and grandad,
And exaggerate tenfold.
I think she must have
Picked my hoodie
Up to see if it smelt
Of marijuana smoke
Because my friends
Sister who left home at
This age smoked
When she first left.
And It just had to
Be the one that
Was dried inside
The old flat. When
I tried my utmost
To hang stuff on the line.
If I had doused it
In perfume, then I
Thought it would have
Brought more attention
On my Clothes.
It did not smell!
I would shower
After being in the
Pubs before the smoking
Ban no matter how
Drunk or tipsy I was.
So I would not have
Chanced any odour
On my clothes or hair
At any given time.

Years down the line
When I moved in
With Fred at our wee hoosey.
My Grandad did not
Try to disguise his
Disappointment with me.
I was a failure.
Crumbled under the
Weight of expectation
And given up.
With "a spare tyre."
He actually told me I had.
He picked up my
Cousins graduation photo
And said that could
Have been you.
He used to drop
Off the supplementary
Magazines every week
Without fail. But
When I said I was
Looking into online learning
He just puffed his pipe
And furrowed his brow.
Just move on,
Do not dwell on the past.

On one particular visit
He smiled a little pensive
Someone had a baby
On a documentary , and said
I Would like to meet
A great grand child
Before he popped his clogs
As he put it.
Me and Fred were
Not ready not by
A long shot. And
He always said I
Looked absolutely "shattered"
When I visited.
And Fred did not
Say no way were having
A kid yet after Grandads
Little musing that night.
I wanted just one
Weekend to chillout
And recharge my batteries.
But I would find myself
Nearly nodding off
In the multi storey,
My brain agonising
Over opening the
Car door into the
Hustle and bustle
Of Saturday up town.
Money to shop?
I forgot what that was.
We would eat where
Fred chose to go.
An impulse buy.
A leisurely shopping trip.
The relaxation suite.
Getting new nail polish.
I could not wear it,
At work so I stopped buying
Altogether as I wasn't
Around girl pals anymore.
No gym, or keep fit classes.
I grew so unsure of myself.
Who wants anything
To do with a ward four bird.
You look stupid with
Eye shadow, it's too much
Fred would say.
And no heels of course.
Can't fuking walk
In them he told
Countless people until
I got tired of
What he thought was a joke.
I wore boots and flats.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 10-31-2018 at 03:35 PM.
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Old 10-31-2018, 04:18 PM #149
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Default I should be here. Why am I here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
It was an after thought
Saying I would probably
Just be used....
Because it was not
A run of the mill conversation
Between class mates.
We were at liberty
To talk about our
Feelings to imitate
A counselling session.
And a work colleague,
Had been very nasty
To me and tried to
Disguise it as a joke.
It makes me wonder
Who she had been
Talking to about me.
She only said it
Because her son was
Payed off in favour of
My brother. So this
Prompted her to
Be vindcitive against me.
And it struck a nerve.
Because she was not
The first person
To suggest I was
Only being used.
By Fred, she was.
But others in my past
Had been the catalyst
In me ending friend ships
By suggesting I was
Only being used until
Someone better came along.
My family said up front
That I did not
Deserve Fred and my
Aunt and her friend
Said they wish they
Had a man like Fred.
Sticking by me through
The thick and thin.
They did not need
To say this but I knew
They agreed with
My parents view, that
Every other young man
Would have run a mile.
That Fred could easily
Find someone else.
And I was not
Worth trying to save.
And this was
The precursor to all
Or most of our arguements.
The only thing I ever
Called Fred was a saint.
Your such a saint.
The majority said I
Was more likely to
Become a lost cause but
Fred went with the minority.
That's what I believed.
Opinion was divided.
But in reality everyone
Had their own lives
To be getting on with.
And that some would
Not be surprised that
I would sort myself out.
At my sport, many a time
I dusted off defeat
And got back in the ring.
I really was like Rocky Balboa.
I don't know how
But sometimes I feel
Like somebody on
The other side has
Broke the rules to
Keep me alive.

Fred had done the right and
Responsible thing visiting me.
That doesn't do him justice.
He thought we had,
A shot at true love.
And he came back after
I was not welcoming.
And maybe the third
Time we hugged and
It did feel real.
We had something.

I was conflicted.
I was glad that he
Did not bail on me.
Yet I felt partially responsible
For him burning his bridges.
His friends would have
Understood if I had
Any physical illness
Or if I had fallen pregnant.
But not mental illness.
I could hardly believe
It myself. How did this
Happen and why me?
The doctors found
Nothing wrong with her
David fumed incredulously.
How could I get better
When I did not
Know what I was up against?
I got three pages of
A bbc internet print out.
This was good enough
For an enquiring mind like mine.
A starting point.
And the doctor is
Not suppposed to diagnose
On first admission.
So they were splendid
It would have been
Nice to have been
More informed in my stay
Of what they were
Looking for with the
Brain scans and more
Included in talks
That were held without
My knowledge. I
Felt like a prisoner.
Nobody actually told
Me why I was there.
I obviously knew
I was un well because
I couldn't sleep.
And turned off
Every single socket
In the house saying
I could hear them crackling.
Even the kettle, microwave
When not being used.
But I didn't admit
Anything else.

But if they had brought
To my attention
Certain buzz words
Connected to my kind
Of breakdown where
I may have been in jail
If it had escalated
Instead of detained
In a hospital psych wing.
Then I was maybe
Better holding onto
My denial I wasn't sick,
At least until I was ready.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 10-31-2018 at 05:19 PM.
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Old 11-04-2018, 10:48 AM #150
Anonymous32895 Anonymous32895 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,208
Anonymous32895 Anonymous32895 is offline
Poohbah
Anonymous32895 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,208 (SuperPoster!)

1 yr Member
9 hugs
given
Default All American Rejected pill head.

[QUOTE=Balthascar810;6320527]The only thing I ever
Called Fred was a saint.
Your such a saint.
The majority said I
Was more likely to
Become a lost cause but
Fred went with the minority.
That's what I believed.
Opinion was divided.
But in reality everyone
Had their own lives
To be getting on with.

Fred had done the right and
Responsible thing visiting me.
That doesn't do him justice.
He thought we had,
A shot at true love.
And he came back after
I was not welcoming.
And maybe the third
Time we hugged and
It did feel real.
We had something.

I was conflicted.
I was glad that he
Did not bail on me.
Yet I felt partially responsible
For him burning his bridges.
His friends would have
Understood if I had
Any physical illness
Or if I had been pregnant
With his kid. Because
He would most definitely
Have been the only
One who could have
Been the dad.
I still wonder why
I did not fall pregnant
The six years we
Were together. I
Suspect that with bad
Blood clots and the stressful
Lifestyle that it made
It less likely that
We would conceive.

We might have stayed together.
But we could not settle
Our differences, from the past.
I knew that at
My current job, the
Truth was going to
Come out and I
Was tired of living
On the edge, knowing
I could be rumbled
Or lose my job
When someone
Found out. And they
Did and even when
I handed my notice in,
The boss had to let
Me know she know
All about hospital
And posted an information
Sheet on the companies policy
Of referring employees
To occuational health
Even though I was leaving.
At the blip on my
Previous job, my contract
Was slashed in half.
And the women said
I should speak to
My best friend.
I got a second job
And went to night classes instead.
The knew Fred was
Possesive. They had
Probably met other
Girls in my position.
And I told Fred
When we had
A disagreement that
He needs to quit
Saying I need help.
That I could have
Been someone if
I had left this sh^ty town.
I would have met
New people easily.
I just need a life
Away from you so
I can breathe a little.
And he said :
You are a ward four reject,
That is why you have
No friends left.
Who wants to be friends
With you when they
Find out. You are
Lucky to have a man
Like me. The likes of YOU
Will never get someone
As good as me.
Even Patrick, said to leave
I could do better,
And he won't give you
A reference for a job
Because he knows
Your a pill head.
What? I take vitamins
And one tablet.
He is a complete
Hypocrite to judge
Anyones life and conduct.

Last edited by Anonymous32895; 11-04-2018 at 11:18 AM.
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