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Old 08-13-2018, 03:08 PM #81
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Default The light at the end of the tunnel

I thought that his friends would have shown him the light when on holiday. That there were plenty more fish in the sea. He could get a new girlfriend. When he found out what he was missing, he'd know I was more trouble than I was worth .
At first I didn't believe Fred when he told me that he went back to the hotel after he had enough of his friends. He told them he had a girl friend so he wasn't interested in speaking to women in the night club. They made it their mission to get him in bed with another woman by the end of the holiday and Fred was having none of it.
I was dubious when Fred told me. I'd never know if he had. But we were out and bumped into a guy who was with them on holiday and he knew me and he moved Heaven and Hell to make sure I knew that Fred really did spurn his friends because of me. I knew he was telling the truth and not covering for him.
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Old 08-14-2018, 08:52 AM #82
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Default Psycho babble pulp fiction nonsense

Being histrionic. Cry baby is one box. Nobody fits into one box. I had no need to dumb myself down. I was so stressed and needed an out let. And Partly due to the histrionics.
When you draw parralels it seems like too much of a coincidence to be just theories. Thank God the photos were ruined! My mum never got mentioned at the funeral because she made a massive fuss over helping to care for her mum. And she kept trying to be funny at the home when granny was in respite saying to staff that granny just needed "drying up " then she'd get home. We knew the truth but the staff are not supposed to judge anyone and everyone gets treated regardless. We knew a lot of Grannys troubles were self inflicted. For once in your life, could you not just do something a little self-less without complaining?
Granny was living on borrowed time and if the paramedics were ever called in, you just complained that she got you out your bed. It was just a shop job. The house was paid. We all know she was difficult because she was a fully fledged alcoholic. But some things are family business. Granny was taken to hospital and you swore at the top of your lungs -sober - for fuks sake here we go again, no rest for the wicked. Right is granny ok? How the fuk should I know? She doesn't give a monkeys toss that's it always fuking me. I'm definitely going to heaven for this.
Behind the tears my mum showed everyone else, she would express out loud that when granny passed she would get her life back. She often told my granny what was on her mind. Slam the cigarettes on the table and walk out without rectifying the atmosphere. Most people would have adjusted and learnt some patience. No not my mum. Stubborn as a mule. I felt bad you were not mentioned at the funeral. But the truth was plain as day.
I said that I couldn't wait until I moved and mum was going to blow her top when she had to take over. Even though it was true, I was never that careless. I was so unbelievably stressed- at breaking point.
I didn't announce on the roof tops that I was doing everything. I knew that it wouldn't be for much longer. I only said it because I was supposed to be going on a date one Saturday and I couldnt give Granny a lift to bingo and she snapped at me saying her only night out, I live in her house, how insolent, she knew Grandad spoilt us and that I was "ruined"

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Old 08-15-2018, 10:37 AM #83
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Default Know your place

Jumping on. Even if you didn't know I was on suicide watch, why not ask what he was thinking of doing? Instead of saying, I would leave if I were you. Your only reason being that people would gossip and could Fred handle it. Not everyone spoke fondly of you. Some people have serious allegations. Higher up your reputation is abysmal. Maybe you have changed though.

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Old 08-15-2018, 11:58 AM #84
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Default Re: Strange behaviour after work

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
Fred had a mind of his own. If he didn't then he would have dumped me in a heart beat, or just ignored me while in hospital and after. I would have let him go. It was Fred who went out of his way to keep our relationship going. Maybe I would have hung around with Perth after machete suggested.
I just noticed that he missed his troupe when we lived together. We were fine for a couple of years. But he wasn't going to let me forget that he stood by me through a harrowing time. I couldn't spend my life being forever grateful. Nobody should have to do that. That's not how it was meant to be, our relationship was so one sided. He acted like I needed him, but he didn't need me.

He was always an a^s after work when he was at his parents. I only realised when he started on me when we lived together that he took his ill temper out on whoever was unfortunate to be In his path and that he was like that all the time, every night. A woman I worked with I remember speaking at lunch saying that Her man needed space after work and time to chill. I didn't say that about Fred though. But I thought that maybe it was normal for men to be "touchy" after a tough day in the office. That once they sit and eat and relax they were fine.
Fred had a tough day at the office every single day.
He knew where to find the jugular at times. It wasn't just the stress from moving, this was him after work every single night. He did this at his old home and now I got it in the neck.
I thought that being in a big family that Fred was allowed to be a prickly coming home to a busy house. But it was him, taking his frustration out on others. It was his issues.
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Old 08-15-2018, 01:47 PM #85
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Default Not Co-dependent

Our relationship was just a relationship. No co-dependency. Even though Fred thought I depended on him, much more than he needed me.
We weren't Sid and Nancy. He was not Ike Turner in any way shape or form. We just argued a lot. The elephant in the room seemed like it would never disappear.
We couldn't have survived in the long run after I overdosed because of him and the coronation street article.
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Old 08-15-2018, 03:05 PM #86
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Default Coincidence. Fish fingers.

There was nothing that I was allowed to eat at the canteen. So I plumped for fish fingers and chips. I had chilli con carne the night before and would easily have had seconds. I was too nervous to eat at the championships. And I sat out at one training session head on my knees and got a friendly pat on the shoulder and they said I needed to eat more and do weights for my legs. I found it hard to build up to a diet required for this hectic life of training and travelling.
My team mate had a great metabolism. My body wasn't built for gruelling exercise. When I saw the men and their servings, I was like men's bodies and women's are indeed more different than we care to admit. The females did not eat like the men.
It was a dynamic sport, it was demanding and deserves to be an Olympic sport. The mental focus and chess like planning in your mind as you fathom out your opponents can't be under estimated.
My head wasn't really in it either. I said at a class one time, not intending to let the instructor hear, that being in he gym was far better than being on the streets. And he started to wonder that my heart wasn't fully committed and I would find something else.
But drugs ? No I wanted to make something of my life for crying out loud. And I am glad I had a purpose after school and somewhere to go. My friends hung around with the down and outs. I wasn't better than them, I never thought that but they weren't my type of people these lads.Wasters. That's what they are known as. The Lost boys.
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Old 08-16-2018, 09:00 AM #87
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Default Better to have loved and lost....

If I knew exactly what I wanted to be, I wouldn't have told my father. The reason being that he would tell everyone. And if it didn't work out, then I would be known as a failure so I would rather keep it to myself. I did have hopes and aspirations.
But it's bettet to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. And I didn't aim for university when I should have tried.
But I was right to leave school when I did. I didn't get my choices at the start of the year and I got dismayed. But that's not the schools fault. It's just the way things were. There was a shortage of staff and they did the best they could with funding allocated.
I did try other avenues. I was all set to do complimentary therapies. But I hadn't rested or recuperated enough, not by a long shot. And I had to get my own volunteers as case studies. It was far too much for me at the time. It was very expensive to get going. Uniform, the books,the oils for the aromatherapy was going to add up. It was very hands on and I was nervous. The bipolar wouldn't disguise it for long so I decided I was going to get to grips with this mind of mine. And I didn't want to be in the spotlight and asking people to be my subjects for a massage. I couldn't handle it. I quit before I was properly enrolled. Someone would find out about rehab. I needed to fly under the radar for a bit longer. A man on the course said to me I always looked like I was up to something. And he was onto something. My mind was distracted. I wasn't quite "there" at the time, not back to my normal self.
I did try after my breakdown. I tried harder after my breakdown! I got three interviews for office based work and sunny disposition nailed it over me. But I knew I was beaten fair and square. I was disappointed in myself but I wasn't angry at you. And I didn't believe what Fred and all the burly tradesman said. Even if it was a front.
They said that it was positive discrimination and you got the job based on your ethnicity. But I knew you were up to the job. And even if they didn't know about me being in hospital the boss would still have picked you, I am 100% certain.
I would shake my head at Freds jokes from work. It's like they never grew up. Such as: the best part of you ran down your mum's leg in the after birth placenta and your the sh^t left over. That's not funny in my books.

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Old 08-16-2018, 10:51 AM #88
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Default Re: Petals

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
After work blow outs were Freds specialty. Sometimes I managed to deflect them and say " can you hear self?"
"I'll speak when your reasonable."
" I have the life of dog " came on to the scene before long. I knew he missed his old friends. There has to be one of them you can speak to? No. His mind was made up. His friend weren't my biggest fan before I got unwell now I remember.
I did everything in my power to nudge Fred into doing something on his own. Some things you have to go alone to begin with.
We changed the pubs we went to so he could speak to his pals and work mates too.
But Fred had his male pride. And he wouldn't listen to me. The football team was s^yte. He wouldn't set up a face book. I had been in rehab and I was in no position to give anyone life advice.
He was Lost without his troupe. They made the decisions and Fred followed. Fred wasn't a natural born leader. He never had a serious girlfriend even though he was a handsome guy with a decent job and wide circle of friends. He maybe had a slight touch of depression.
He never went to university because he didn't have a computer growing. His more well off friends had money to buy music, buy laptops and to learn and play instruments in high school. Fred got a job as soon as he was 13. I get his reasoning.
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Old 08-16-2018, 02:46 PM #89
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Default No shame if it comes from the heart

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balthascar810 View Post
There was nothing that I was allowed to eat at the canteen. So I plumped for fish fingers and chips. I had chilli con carne the night before and would easily have had seconds. I was too nervous to eat at the championships. And I sat out at one training session head on my knees and got a friendly pat on the shoulder and they said I needed to eat more and do weights for my legs. I found it hard to build up to a diet required for this hectic life of training and travelling.
My team mate had a great metabolism. My body wasn't built for gruelling exercise. When I saw the men and their servings, I was like men's bodies and women's are indeed more different than we care to admit. The females did not eat like the men.
It was a dynamic sport, it was demanding and deserves to be an Olympic sport. The mental focus and chess like planning in your mind as you fathom out your opponents can't be under estimated.
My head wasn't really in it either. I said at a class one time, not intending to let the instructor hear, that being in he gym was far better than being on the streets. And he started to wonder that my heart wasn't fully committed and I would find something else.
But drugs ? No I wanted to make something of my life for crying out loud. And I am glad I had a purpose after school and somewhere to go. My friends hung around with the down and outs. I wasn't better than them, I never thought that but they weren't my type of people these lads.Wasters. That's what they are known as. The Lost boys.
I watched the fight and I realised that I was wrong, but I was on to something. There wasn't enough funding for many fighters and they shone in one of the opens. And even though you were undoubtedly an amazing talent, they won where it mattered. It was a last minute change though. You were supposed to be the UK representative. So it brought a lot of speculation on why this late decision. And I came to the wrong conclusion. It didn't seem fair at the time. But I read that despite ranked number one, they had severed ties with the Olympic team the previous year. And by that alone I see why the decision was made.
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Old 08-17-2018, 04:23 AM #90
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Default Performing monkeys

It was a passing flirtation. I wanted to see up close like a journalist. As a kid I was pretty agile and liked climbing and jumping gaps in walls, doing flips.
I couldn't even master a skateboard. So it was more out of curiosity. Like many kids a phase or passing interest.
If I decided to hang around with Gerry I think it would have been fun and exciting to start with, and then I would have realised that they weren't my type of people. I didn't seem to fit snuggly in with my friends but I was never the skater, BMX type of person.
When at a job interview one lady asked if I was into extreme sports. And I suppose martial arts is very aggressive so I can see Someone picking up that vibe from me.
With the wall I built, I was a thrill seeker. If I got a car at seventeen there is a high chance I would have went off the road or collided with another driver. When I passed at 21 I was different. I would hardly ever top 60 and I have never drove on a motorway. When Fred put on cruise control and went over 100 I didn't enjoy one second of it.
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