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Old 06-25-2020, 01:11 PM   #111
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

My head wasn't in
The right place
To dive back into study.
I couldn't just
Waste away at home.
The doctor seemed
To have more emphasis
On keeping active.
Taking the one size
Fits all strategy.
I was different.
I needed to be told to relax
Take some time out.
I was always being
Told I needed to chill
I was not the type
That could sit and
Watch the world go by.
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Old 06-25-2020, 01:26 PM   #112
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I dropped classes at school.
I had no teacher
Half the time for
One of the subjects
Due to staff shortages.
I know I f**ed around.
I got a job.
So I dropped college too.
I had a job and
I had sport.
I wasn't wonder woman.
And yes I drunk
Like nobodies business.
I DID do all the right things
According to my life.
I was pushed to work.
I was never going
To be a doctor or a lawyer.
I knew that as a kid.
Do you know how
Much I wanted
A job with training?
How hard it is knowing
You are capable of more
And have been
Kicked into a rut
That you cannot get out of.
I blamed myself.
All the years following
The breakdown. I
Beat myself up the hardest.
I never went crazy
At my parents.
Never called the teachers out
For wrongly labelling me as lazy.
For telling my coach I was lazy
Who then told my boss
I was lazy.
It was a job. Not school.
I needed my wages.
It was my livelihood.
My independence
And my bread and butter.
There was no
Bank of mum and dad for me.
And he tells my
Boss I am lazy.
Training with the Olympic
Team and I am lazy.
So I went off the rails.
I could have shrunk
Away into a dark corner
Injecting myself with heroine.
And that would have
Been fulfilling the prophecy
Of everyone around me.
Maybe a breakdown
Was the intervention I needed.
F*** him he can burn
For all I care.
Spineless. two faced.
No one would judge
Him for leaving?
But would he have forgiven
Himself if anything
Had happened to me?

Last edited by Lunatyc; 06-25-2020 at 02:26 PM..
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Old 06-26-2020, 10:12 AM   #113
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I didn't want the world.
I wanted my man
To respect me.
To take my side.
To be able
To show he loved me.
To say he didn't
Care about
What others thought.
That people were
Wrong and ignorant
About mental health matters.
He wanted a reward
For standing by me.
Money, power, prestige, something.
In a just world he would
Have been rewarded
And this made
His anger issues worse.
He was using the wrong
Bruno Mars song.
I wanted him to
Say I was fine
The way I was.
Not take a bullet
And big up his own head.
I was lucky to have him.
He stood apart
From other men.
I needed to open my eyes
And see that
I would never find anyone like him.
I was damaged goods.
Thug knew that young
People looked up to him
And he abused his power.
Maybe he compounded
A feeling that
Was all ready festering.
Maybe he was just
Saying what some
Were too afraid to say.
That's what it felt like.
But I think a lot
Of people were divided.
They knew I had
Been full of promise
Before my breakdown.
Things could have
Went either way.
I was a risk.
That scares many people.
Most people were not
As dogmatic as thug.
Nobody was to be honest.
My parents just expected
Him to find another girl.
His words stuck
With my other half.
He looked up to him.
He was well accomplished
In his field. A sportsman.
So what if I knew
About his skeletons.
He had no right
To pry into my private
Life once I had moved on.
Once I left I
Didn't want to see
Hear or speak about him again.
I'm sorry it had to be this way.
You really cut him up
Do you know that?
You planted the seed of doubt.
His parents said
He should visit me.
My parents expexted
He'd leave in his own time.
They only said to
Me they thought he'd
Turn his back and run
Because we were young.
They were glad he
Was there to keep me
Away from the vultures.
His friends encouraged
Him to speak to other women.
He was too young
To be "tied down. " I understood.
Nobody did what thug did,
He put a nail in my coffin.
I didn't expect anything
Less from him though.
His reputation spoke for itself.
So whenever my other
Half used him as ammunition
I let it go in one ear
And out of the other.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 06-26-2020 at 11:19 AM..
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Old 06-27-2020, 10:29 AM   #114
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Nobody would have
Judged him for
Leaving, he should leave.
Think about what
People will say.
That was all he said?
I understood that
Young men can be insecure.
People would have seen his
Resons for leaving
But that didn't mean
They wouldn't judge him
For abandoning me completely.
If something did happen
He would have had
To live with the guilt.
Would he have forgiven
Himself for leaving
His girlfriend when
They were going
Through the worst
Experience they may ever face?
I was lucky that
I had pulled through.
I counted my blessings.
I wasn't settling for him.
Not at all. I was
Settling for everything else
In my life.
Knowing I had to
Find a different way.
Accepting that things
Might not change.
Without him
I may have run
With the wrong crowd.
I'll never know.
The hospital had
Made me more determined
To do something worthwhile
With my life.
But I know how easy
Drugs can get a hold
Of a person.
I'd been on one spiral
And I knew that another
May be the death of me.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 06-27-2020 at 10:47 AM..
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Old 06-27-2020, 01:32 PM   #115
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I had no idea what
Spit roasting was.
I had just read the term
In the tabloids.
All I knew was that
It was seedy and degrading.
I don't know what it
Is and I don't want to know.
I have never
Even considered a threesome
With an old flame.
Nevermind anything else.
I bet there are many
Men who regret thing's
They've coerced some
Of their old girlfriends into doing.
How some men can
Respect their wives but
Expect a woman in an
Affair they are having
To act out their dark desires.
Like the separation
Will appease their
Conscious somehow. They
Get their fantasy while
Maintaining an air
Of respectability in marriage.
It was on the peak
Of my breakdown.
I was on the edge.
Unless you have been
Self destructive you
Won't understand the
Risky things you get into.
It was enough
To shake me up. A near miss.
A narrow escape.
An episode is the brains
Self defence mechanism
Or over compensation to counter
Suicidal feelings. Looks
Like I was caught. Again.
Well at least everyone
Knows the rumours were false.
It was me and one person.
If the world sees
Me naked ill get over it. I said.
So I guess a snippet
Of my sex life
Isn't the end of the world.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 06-27-2020 at 01:45 PM..
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Old 06-27-2020, 04:24 PM   #116
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Top shelf material.
Better safe than sorry.
Rather be too gentle
Than getting stuck in.
A gentle touch, overly cautious.
First time, cats lick.
A vicious circle.
I was stuck in a cycle.
The breakdown put me there.
Against the grain.
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Old 06-28-2020, 02:58 AM   #117
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Independence would be
A walk In the park
Because of the oil industry.
Did he not do essays
On global warming
And climate change at school?
The UK and 20 other countries
Have made a pledge to
Cut emissions of
Greenhouse gases.
The UK is not steamrolling
Ahead with it's ambitious target
Of Net Zero by 2050.
Only one new onshore
Wind farm was started in 2019.
Tree planting fell short.
Policies for renewable energy have languished.
The UK led the industrial revolution.
It's only right the country
Takes the lead to halt
The damage that using fossil
Fuels are doing to the planet.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 06-28-2020 at 03:15 AM..
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Old 06-30-2020, 09:37 AM   #118
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

He saw my side
When it came
To my family.
My friends never did.
He was hardly going
To cause a scene
With a work colleague.
It couldn't have been
Too difficult to say
No that's not it.
He couldn't admit
That work tired him out
So it was easier
To let his co worker
Think I was a hussy.
Man of high principles.
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Old 06-30-2020, 02:16 PM   #119
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

If I join the army
I would be a beefeater
Then I could stand
Around all day
Outside Buckingham palace
And do nothing.
I'd get sent to
The potato shed that
Many times I could
Learn how to distill my own vodka.
I'm not good at taking orders.
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Old 07-02-2020, 05:22 AM   #120
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Rehab was not a bump in the road.
It was a weight around my neck
That I carried everywhere, everyday.
I had to do something
Or it would drag me to my grave.
Art wouldn't cut it,
It had to be writing.
I had it wether I
Liked it or not.
I was always going to have
Had one stay with the bipolar.
So I didn't see it as
Something that could
Have been avoided.
It picked the
Wrong person to mess with.
Thr heroine in my book
Wasn't going to die.
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