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Old 07-15-2020, 05:00 PM   #151
Lunatyc
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Location: UK
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I was never an angel,
But I was the best
At solving puzzles
And problem solving
That's why I was top of the class.
I didn't just have a good memory.
I changed in High School.
I built this wall. I had to.
I had to protect myself.
School was no longer a refuge for me.
I found peace going between places
With my headphones.
I could never settle or
Completely chill anywhere.
Studying lost its charm
As no one praised me.
I wanted to play an instrument
But I didn't have
A room of my own
And girls don't play
Guitars or drums anyway.
My parents laughed when
I said I had a drum lesson.
I needed a creative out let
So it had to be art.
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Old 07-15-2020, 05:18 PM   #152
Lunatyc
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Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Art was safer than writing
When I was a teen.
I was afraid of my
Parents reading my work.
I wasn't allowed an opinon
In my house.
I didn't want the teacher
To read out my essay in class.
A picture can paint
A thousand words.
I felt more satisfaction
In a drawing or painting
Than I did in a biology test
Because it was original
And it was personal
It was mine, alone.
I became obsessed
With creating what
Hadn't been done before.
Then I read the catcher in the Rye
And it was the first classic
That made me rethink
My decision to give up on
Books and story telling.
I was content with movies.
I'd never encountered an entire book
That was built
On a stream of consciousness.
If I read it now for the first time
I'd wonder what the fuss was about
But it was the right book
At the right time of my life
And I thought it was the
Best thing since sliced bread.
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Old 07-16-2020, 01:56 PM   #153
Lunatyc
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

We were not the type of
Couple who brought
Out the worst in each other.
We drunk a lot when we first met
And then we calmed down.
I didn't stop him from having a pint.
He could have went down
To the local anytime.
But without his troupe,
He was lost.
I should have set up
A Facebook for him
But he insisted:
The bridges are burnt!
He wouldn't go to the gym.
He wouldn't train
With the football team.
He made me feel like
I pulled him into a funk.
That it was all my fault.
If his work had suggested
He join the football team,
He must have said
Something when he
Was stressed one day.
That he had no life.
He didn't want me to better
Myself incase I left him.
He said I could do an
Exercise class or something
If I was fed up.
If I had a good job
I more likely would have stayed!
When I went to college and
Switched jobs I had
Stopped drinking at
The weekend altogether.
I never had a problem.
I hated having to take
A pill for bipolar.
He resented it more than me.
His long term girlfriend
Was not perfect.
Was he mad at himself
For not being able
To make more money?
We were on the property ladder.
We could afford holidays
In the future.
But it was looking less
And less likely
That things would change
Because I couldn't
Escape the past if we
Stayed in our hometown
And he wanted to stay.
He would never move for me.
He couldn't give me an
Answer as to why he stayed.
I said we could do up
Another house in future.
He knew all the right
People from his work.
He never did anything
To help me. All he
Did was put me down.
I cared about him and thought that
If he was happier
He might not to be
So possessive and try
To control everything.
He had anger issues
Before we were together.
So I never phoned
The police when
He used his last strike.
And he said that
Nobody would believe
A psych ward reject
Like me over him.
I fought to not
Forget myself when
With him and when
I left I had to find myself again.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 07-16-2020 at 03:01 PM..
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Old 07-16-2020, 02:41 PM   #154
Lunatyc
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I threw the remote at the wall
Not at him. We never
Argued over money.
It didn't feel like
Something we had control over.
I was 22 and I should
Have been thinking :
Anything can happen,
With my whole life ahead of me.
Instead I felt I had
Dug my grave
And I had to lie in it
And that he was
The only thing
I had left in my life worth
Hanging around for.
I thought I had no chance
Unless I moved away.
At our place,
I was a bit of a workaholic.
I worked 40 hours in a sweatshop.
Then took night classes.
I worked out in the garage.
Cooked and cleaned.
I read and read and read some more,
And wrote on my notebook.
We never used the summer house.
He did the garden, cleaned the car,
Seen to the fish tank and
Sometimes - albeit begrudgingly-
He would watch sport.
We went to a different local for him.
I wanted to chill.
But chilling was for -
druggie wastes of space.
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Old 07-16-2020, 03:35 PM   #155
Lunatyc
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Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Today I decided to forgive you.
Not because you apologised
Or because you acknowledged
The pain you caused me
But because my soul deserves peace.
-Najwa Zebian
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Old 07-28-2020, 03:11 PM   #156
Lunatyc
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunatyc View Post
I was never an angel,
But I was the best
At solving puzzles
And problem solving
That's why I was top of the class.
I didn't just have a good memory.
I changed in High School.
I built this wall. I had to.
I had to protect myself.
School was no longer a refuge for me.
I found peace going between places
With my headphones.
I could never settle or
Completely chill anywhere.
Studying lost its charm
As no one praised me.
I wanted to play an instrument
But I didn't have
A room of my own
And girls don't play
Guitars or drums anyway.
My parents laughed when
I said I had a drum lesson.
I needed a creative out let
So it had to be art.
I built the wall higher
And reinforced it.
Humour was my go to
Defence mechanism as
The mania began to creep in.
I needed my defences.
But I wasn't completely shut off.
I didn't lie to myself.
Sometimes I struggled
To feel my emotions
And other times I
Wore my heart on my sleeve.
I didn't buy
Into all the drama at home.
But sometimes I
Felt so crushed
Because nobody ever
Stood behind me.
I could never quite cut it.
I was only ever good
But not good enough.
It wasn't until I got
Far in sport
That someone put
Their hand on my shoulder
And gave me heartfelt advice.
Everyone else was
Usually ambivalent with me.
There was always a - but.
So I did get some saying
That some people are
Blessed with right and left brain talents.
I did get taken aside
And admonished and I know those
People were doing their job.
I feel bad for being
Disrespectful towards them,
But I was young
And my home life was tough.
I didn't apply myself
And then, come fifth year, something
Just collapsed in my brain
I had taken too many hits.
And I threw caution
To the wind.
Is self destruction selfish?
Is it self indulgent?
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Old 07-28-2020, 04:02 PM   #157
Lunatyc
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunatyc View Post
If you are going to read
A Clockwork Orange,
You must read it slowly.
How a writer can
Get a reader to care
About not simply an immoral
Protagonist but one
Who is A-moral takes a special skill.
How many novels
Can you think
Of with an anti-hero
Aside form American Psycho
Or One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
They are few and far between.
What makes them great
Is that they do not
Underestimate the readers intelligence.
They invite a reader
To participate in the escapism.
They question societies wider ills.
They are more than a story,
Not to be taken at face value.
They ask philosophical questions,
A reaction to the times
They are living in.
Highlighting how advanced
Societies can falter and
Are all ready fraying
Behind a delicate veneer.
I am reading
One flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Does the film inform
The audience that
Mcmurphy was imprisoned
For statutory rape?
I don't think I would have
Enjoyed the film as much if I knew that.
You can't be impetuous
With the details of the main character.
They have to be likeable.
I can see why A Burgess
Was dismayed that
ACWO was his most famous novel.
Alex is a very one dimensional delinquent.
A violent sadistic psychopath who
Has no redeemable qualities.
When he is subjected to
A brainwashing/conditioning technique
We don't feel sympathy for him
But we feel enough to
Know that the psychological experiment
That he undergoes
Is ethically wrong
And has caused him immense suffering
Which brings up the
Novels philosophical questions on free will.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 07-28-2020 at 04:27 PM..
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Old 07-31-2020, 04:57 PM   #158
Lunatyc
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Lunatyc has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunatyc View Post
I rejected my family
The second time around.
And they are so impatient
That they say to themselves
Oh screw it, screw them
When things get tough.
And they run from responsibility.
They will never
Admit their mistakes.
My ex had been
Fanning a flame
All the time
We were together.
Emphasising how bad
They were as parents.
I didn't need him to,
I was mad enough all ready.
Falling out was inevitable after
I needed a second stay.
I was not the
Only one at fault.
I managed to stay
Away from the
Wrong crowds the first time
So the second time
Was a no brainer.
I wasn't even tempted
No matter how
Much I hated myself
And felt like a failure.
Getting away from it all,
The whole rat race
And being on my own
Was exactly what I needed.
It felt like a win to me,
It didn't feel like backwards at all.
I felt free for once in my life.
Blaming others only
Gets a person so far.
But my ex was right
About one thing
I did have terrible friends
When I met him.
And a lot of people
Who go to rehab
At my age
End up getting tied
Up with the wrong crowd.
And struggle to
Get back to back on track.
Some never do.
And I had to fight
Against that all
The years we were together.
It was the prejudice
Of being in treatment
That held me back.
Our relationship was doomed
As I could never
Erase the hospital.
Life was never
Ever going to be 100%
Normal for me
With the hospital stigma
Looming over my head.
And I knew he
Couldn't handle that.
He may have stayed
Knowing I'd be fine.
Still, he was too close minded.
For us to survive.
People are naturally curious
And gossip and speculate.
Why was I there?
What did I do wrong?
Could I be trusted?
Did I have mental scars?
Was it drugs?
Was I abused?
If I lived in a city,
I may well have been
Lured into a murky underworld.
I had worked through my feelings
As much as I could do on my own.
It was going to take more time
But I had made headway
On trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
What anger I felt was only normal
And natural because
I knew the truth.
I'd seen hardship that
Many never would
But it was nothing compared to others.
It's easy to lose perspective,
I did feel sorry for myself at times.
My old flame would
Stir up the emotions
With no thought to
How damaging it was.
I had not forgotten. Never would.
Don't bring it up, as ammunition
Just so you win.
He treated it like a game.
I had lost everything after hospital!
He had no empathy for me.
I needed a break
And he continued
To pile on the pressure.
I was good at coping
With my feeling of
Anger and injustice.
I'd found strategies and
Creative outlets my whole life.
With him it was constantly:
No work, no money
No money, no life.
He couldn't afford
One single day off unwell.
I would never repay
Him for sticking by me.
He expressed no empathy
For me. None.
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Old 08-01-2020, 01:43 AM   #159
Lunatyc
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I couldn't be with someone
Who made me feel indebted to them.
I couldn't be with someone
Who couldn't say they loved me.
I couldn't be with someone
Who thought that I needed
Them more than they needed me.
I couldn't be with someone
Who wouldn't stand up for me.
I couldn't be with someone
Who would deride me
When I stood up for myself.
I couldn't be with someone
Who did not respect me.
I couldn't be with someone
Who made me feel
Worthless, powerless and trapped.
I couldn't be with someone
Who told me I was nothing special.
I wanted to be special to them.
I couldn't be with someone who
Ignored me because they
Thought I wasn't worth the effort.
I couldn't be with a man
Who wouldn't walk away from a fight
And denounce violence.
I couldn't be with someone
Who wouldn't let me forget the past.
I couldn't be with someone
Who made me feel inferior to them.
I couldn't be with someone
Who couldn't see what
I gave up to be with them.

-Love is supposed to liberate
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Old 08-01-2020, 04:25 PM   #160
Lunatyc
Member
Lunatyc has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 190 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunatyc View Post
We were not the type of
Couple who brought
Out the worst in each other.
We drunk a lot when we first met
And then we calmed down.
I didn't stop him from having a pint.
He could have went down
To the local anytime.
But without his troupe,
He was lost.
I should have set up
A Facebook for him
But he insisted:
The bridges are burnt!
He wouldn't go to the gym.
He wouldn't train
With the football team.
He made me feel like
I pulled him into a funk.
That it was all my fault.
If his work had suggested
He join the football team,
He must have said
Something when he
Was stressed one day.
That he had no life.
He didn't want me to better
Myself incase I left him.
He said I could do an
Exercise class or something
If I was fed up.
If I had a good job
I more likely would have stayed!
When I went to college and
Switched jobs I had
Stopped drinking at
The weekend altogether.
I never had a problem.
I hated having to take
A pill for bipolar.
He resented it more than me.
His long term girlfriend
Was not perfect.
Was he mad at himself
For not being able
To make more money?
We were on the property ladder.
We could afford holidays
In the future.
But it was looking less
And less likely
That things would change
Because I couldn't
Escape the past if we
Stayed in our hometown
And he wanted to stay.
He would never move for me.
He couldn't give me an
Answer as to why he stayed.
I said we could do up
Another house in future.
He knew all the right
People from his work.
He never did anything
To help me. All he
Did was put me down.
I cared about him and thought that
If he was happier
He might not to be
So possessive and try
To control everything.
He had anger issues
Before we were together.
So I never phoned
The police when
He used his last strike.
And he said that
Nobody would believe
A psych ward reject
Like me over him.
I fought to not
Forget myself when
With him and when
I left I had to find myself again.
If I was fed up,
I could do an exercise class or something.
I was talking to a brick wall.
Do you know why you
Have no friends left?
You were in ward number fouwer!
After hospital I could
Either fall in with
The wrong kind or
Go it alone for a while.
I did meet friends.
It fell by the wayside.
I needed to start afresh
Somewhere new but
I was a girl
And my boyfriend
Was more important
At that moment in time
Than a fickle career.
And now I had to
Figure out what
Was still open to me
After being an
Inpatient in a mental ward.
I had a lot to think about
And being young
I needed some guidance.
I was desperate for a role model.
So with my boyfriend
Being that little bit older
He was the only
One I could really confide in.
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