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Old 05-15-2020, 07:02 AM   #11
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

So the roll I used
Would have clogged the toilet.
They must have thought
There was something hidden
Beneath it all
Such as drugs,
Not baby heroin
And it was close to overflowing.
Still, they should have
Listened to me
And not dismissing it as:
It must be period pain.
I was a grown woman,
Believe me I knew
How to listen to what
My body was telling me.
After I went back
And forth they reluctantly
Agreed to issue a suppository
And a doctor
Gave advice over the phone.
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Old 05-17-2020, 05:50 AM   #12
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Rock bottom, self destruction.
Something had to happen.
I had to hit a low,
To come to my senses.
It was not like the b****
Who said jump.
That did not happen.
That was a rumour.
You need to
Look after yourself.
I wished I'd listened.
My head was in a bad place.
A really dark place.
In another life
It could have
Been drugs and jail for me.
My parents being so strict
Was maybe why
I steered clear of them.
I'm not sure
If their methods did
More damage than good.
I had to hit the bottom.
I can't say there
Was a reasonable explanation
Because there wasn't.
It was the bipolar
And the pressure
From feeling like I had to
Be something because
I was clever
But nobody was there
To help me emotionally
Not just financially.
My past left me
Unable to trust people.
Life was hard and unfair.
People betray you
And stab you in the back
And enjoy tearing others down.
That's all I knew.
With friends like mine
I didn't need enemies.
If you cannot
Beat them, you join them.
I was young and didn't know
Of the disorder.
The doctors instinctively
Knew that I was
Drinking to try
And block out memories
To numb pain,
And they asked me.
But I wasn't ready to talk
And I maybe needed
Longer in rehab.
I had heard of
Famous artists in class
Having manic depression
But I knew nothing
About it at only eighteen.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 05-17-2020 at 07:29 AM..
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Old 05-19-2020, 01:00 PM   #13
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

My grandfather was
Not entirely wrong.
If I wasn't going
To join up, then
I didn't have
Many options left.
Plan A had been disintegrating
Ever since I began
To not apply myself.
Plan B felt forced upon me,
And I didn't want to go.
I wasn't fond of staying
But it wasn't the life for me.
So I took Plan C.
I wanted to write
And being thrawn
Is a family trait.
Everyone else thought
I had given up.
That wasn't the case.
I wanted to
Be able to hold
My head up high again someday
Use my brain to do good,
And not just make money.
Art nourishes the soul.
I wanted to not have to stuggle
And fight with
My nearest and dearest.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 05-19-2020 at 01:17 PM..
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Old 05-20-2020, 05:41 AM   #14
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Psychology is common sense?
No I wasn't that dense.
It was just an idea.
In actual fact
It was more of a dismissal.
It was more: I don't know yet.
Just let me leave all ready.
I was so busy I
Never took time
To stop and think.
It was sloppy, for me.
I could have
Worked in that area
For a few years.
It was feasable.
I am made of stern stuff.
Then I would
Have needed to change course.
I was used to
Having to chop and change
And sailing close to the wind.
I figured out in
A matter of weeks
That it was sailing
Too close to the wind.
I'd never have pursued it,
In the first place.
I'd have completed the year I planned
And decided to
Look for work again.
I had a friend who
Kept saying do nursing or social care.
Why let a good
Brain go to waste?
If my life had turned
Out differently, then maybe.
After my first admission
I knew that I would never
Work in certain fields.
I didn't let it get me down.
I was just like other
People dealing with
What life threw at me.
I knew what I couldn't do
And I accepted it and moved on.
Before hospital I knew
That social care wasn't
For someone from my up bringing.
And after hospital
I knew I couldn't
Be in nursing, teaching, law enforcement etc.
I had a black mark
Against my name now.
I may as well have
Had a criminal record.
I had to find work
Where I could start
Up my own business
Be my own boss.
Then I need never
Worry about the
Past catching up on me.
Who cares if a gardener,
A florist, a baker, shop owner
Has had a meltdown
In the past? No one.
As long as they
Get the work
And they are
Friendly and approachable
Then the past is in the past.
You are just a good quine.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 05-20-2020 at 07:04 AM..
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Old 05-20-2020, 09:00 AM   #15
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

What did I want?
I am going to ask
What did he want?
I couldn't give him
What he wanted
If he did not
View me as his equal.
I would never find
Another man like him.
He believed it because
My family had him
On a pedestal.
A young man
With his whole
Life ahead of him
Standing by me.
He wanted normal.
Having bipolar made me, unordinary.
Rehab at eighteen is
Far from ordinary.
How on earth
Did he ever think
That I would settle
Into being a
Shadow of what
I could have been?
I refused to accept it.
And we fought.
I said we have nothing
To look forward to.
It wasnt money.
I just didn't want
To be stuck
In a dead end job
And feel ignored any longer.
It was frustrating for me
Because I was supposed to be more.
Before hospital. Before the breakdown.
He would not admit
That I was so frustrated
Because I needed more.
I had proved that
I was a responsible
And capable adult.
I could hold down a job.
And I needed more.
My work used to say:
I never complained about anything,
I just got the job done.
I was ready for more.
When I told
My mum on the phone
That we were over,
He had come round
And saw we had to split up
Because there was too
Much water under the bridge.
It either makes
Or breaks a relationship
And ours was crumbling.
We couldn't bury the elephant.
He didn't want to move,
Or change anything
On his part.
When we argued
One night after
Being out, he went
Over the line.
That was the final straw.
He bragged about
Winning fights,
But I know that
He wasn't proud
Of himself for that.
I never called him anything
Or insulted him in order
To provoke him.
It was a run of
The mill couples tiff.
Alcohol was involved and
He didn't realise
How strong he was
And that's what scared me.
I had to tell my mum
We were over
Before we decided
To end it.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 05-20-2020 at 09:51 AM..
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Old 05-20-2020, 11:59 AM   #16
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

Playing around. Messing around.
Keepy ups and kidding on.
It was just an example
Of being good at something.
I was just pointing out
I was dissuaded from
Doing anything creative.
That just because
He didn't have a creative
Bone in his body,
Didn't mean I
Would never be good enough.
I knew when he was joking
And that he really did make
Out that my job
Wasn't worth a dime,
And that he was
The main bread winner.
He was possessive
And he could
Be manipulative and controlling.
I always fought back,
But I would give in.
When you suffer
Enough set backs
You begin to think
Maybe I am wrong
And they are right?
When before you'd
Dismiss it in an instant.
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Old 05-20-2020, 12:23 PM   #17
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

If there was one person
Who I needed to say
I still looked pretty
It was my boyfriend.
That's the only person
I needed assurance from.
I was never confident
With my figure
So I never felt attractive.
My confidence was fleeting.
It was there and then gone.
I thought ok so maybe
I have one or two nice features
Like some had pointed out
But I was hardly the whole package.
I was no model material, ever.
It was my brain, I valued.
I could still use my brain
In this life in order
To be something.
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Old 05-21-2020, 05:30 AM   #18
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I made a mistake.
I was tired out.
I did get treated
Like c*** at work.
It honestly slipped my mind.
They worked alone in
The shop when
There should always
Be two on the premises,
So it slipped my mind.
I didnt fancy fainting
Into the back
Of electrical, hot equipment.
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Old 05-21-2020, 08:20 AM   #19
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

So the hospital can
Be a little scary.
Most of the time however
There is a relatively relaxed atmosphere.
Quiet enough to rest and recuperate.
I don't think that
People should be
Forced into a routine.
Most people keep
To themselves and
Have their own routine.
The last thing a person
Feels like doing when
Under the weather
Is having to strike
Up a conversation with a stranger,
When you are counting down
The days until
You can get home.
And there are some
People that are
Not just unwell
They are bad.
Some have only done
Bad things because
They were unwell
And possibly on
Drugs at the same time.
Others are bad eggs.
There was one man
Who made violent threats
Towards his ex
As she wouldn't let
Him see the kids
They had together.
He said he wasn't
Scared to kill them.,
Had made plans to.
He tried to use
The insanity defence.
Saying he was hearing voices at the time.
The doctors seen right through him.
He had been in prison before.
The doctors contacted the authorities
And he was jailed.
It's not a place
You wish to stay in.
Not just incase
You yourself are attacked
By someone who is sick
But because the stigma
That is attached
To you when you leave.
After my first stay,
I didn't know who
To say hello to anymore
And who was wary of me.
So I crept inside my shell
For a long time.
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Old 05-21-2020, 10:37 AM   #20
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Memoirs in abstract

I wish that all I
Did during meltdown
Was shave off my hair.
I never did that,
But my self destruction
Was on a whole other level.
I made a d*** good job
Of wrecking my future.
I don't know if
It could have been
Nipped in the bud
Or if hitting the bottom
Was what I needed.
There are no rule
Books for recovering
From a mental breakdown
Instructing you on what
To do step by step.
It changed me and
I grew up quickly.
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