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Old 06-12-2020, 06:04 AM   #1
ButterToast
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Frown Please Don't Take Them Away

I don't want to give up or settle.

I don't see how it could mean anything other than admitting that I am a lesser person. It means admitting that I am genetically or mentally inferior to everyone else. And I don't know how to live if that's true.

I don't know the facts, I don't know if we all have the same potential or if there are genuinely some of us who are superior and some who are inferior. I like to believe that anyone can achieve anything with enough effort - or die trying.

I don't want to believe that I am inferior and that there is no choice about it.

If we are all the same, there are no excuses for me not being successful, that statement may hurt badly but it also gives me hope. Because it implies that if I can just pull myself together and push harder I can be worth something.

If I am genuinely inferior there is no hope, there's no chance at authentic worth because I'm just not good enough for the cut.. It's not my fault that I'm not good enough, it's just a fact of life and I there is no control.

How do I accept that and keep living?

How do I tell that to my child one day? How do I tell them that they may be inferior or not, and we don't know. Tell them that they have to spend the majority of their life finding out whether they are inferior or not and then if it does turn out they are inferior they need to find a way to be okay with that, stay sane and keep living.

Why should I keep living if I am inferior? The world is over populated, we are destroying the planet, there are not enough resources to go around - if I can't make a difference or be of help what objectively good reason is there for me to stay alive?

And then you might argue that my goals would never have helped anyone or made a difference in the big picture anyway because they're not that big to start with. But they were somewhat big and they make me deeply happy. But then their not a good enough reason to live by my own definition. But they were for me. They mean everything to me, they are everything I have worked for, for more than a decade now. They are beautiful to me and meaningful. Even if I spend the rest of my life smashing my head against a brick wall of inability because I don't have what it takes I don't want to give up on them. I'm not asking to be an astronaut or a doctor or an engineer with or some famous idol or artist- I just want to make games. I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life fighting at this. It's hard and painful but it's better than the alternative, it's better than the nothingness of giving up. I know that's irrational, I know I need money to life, but please don't take this away from me.

I can accept being inferior if it means I can still make games.

Can't you help me with that instead? Can't you help me with self-discipline and the voices in my head instead. Because if I could just get a little better, if I could just get them to shut up I believe I could make progress.
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Old 06-12-2020, 10:10 AM   #2
beyondhelp
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Default Re: Please Don't Take Them Away

You are NOT inferior! Please don't give up on your dreams. Your life is making a difference in this world!
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