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Old 08-01-2020, 03:16 AM   #1
Lunatyc
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Default Damaged goods

We were on the property ladder.
He wanted more money
And he wanted it there and then.
He didn't want to change anything on his part.
How on earth did he expect to
Have the same money
While living at home with his parents?
Not straight away.
We had bought a house!
It should have been
A dream come true.
Having our own space
Should have felt
Like heaven to begin with.
There was no honeymoon phase for us.
I was convinced that
No one would take
A chance employing me in
A responsible job.
But if they saw that I
Had my life together.
Had a mortgage and
Had no gaps on my c.v.
Then there may have been
That one person who
Thought: you know
I think they deserve a chance.
I had solid references. Screw thug.
My old flame needed
To apologise for saying
I would never be anything
And that I was nothing special.
He used me for target practice
Treating our relationship
Like a game. Was it
That he just wasn't ready
To invest what was
Needed in a healthy relationship?
He should have said
He didn't care about
The ignorant attitude of people
Who knew nothing about
Mental health and that
He knew there was
Absolutely nothing wrong with me.
If it isna broken, dinna fix it?
He did see me as damaged goods.
My family saw me as damaged goods.
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Old 08-01-2020, 05:42 AM   #2
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Damaged goods

At 23 I wasn't ready for kids.
I was terrified of falling pregnant.
He wouldn't get a dog or cat
Incase there was vets bills.
I was also scared that
People would say that I only got pregnant
In order to trap him.
Him and my family made me
Feel like I didn't deserve him.
I was an ex-mental health patient after all.
Being in hospital for
Mental health treatment
Was not a tiny blip
That we could pretend never happened.
It was a huge deal.
It changed my life.
My parents way of
Taking no responsibility in my welfare
Was to convince everyone that
I had something wrong with
Me that must come from
my biological father's side.
My old flame would not
Deal with the elephant in the room.
He put all his energy
Into keeping me, where he wanted me.
He wasn't fine with the hospital
And me being bipolar so
Why was he fine and didn't care about me being a shadow of my former self?

Last edited by Lunatyc; 08-01-2020 at 08:09 AM..
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Old 08-04-2020, 07:41 AM   #3
Lunatyc
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Default Rock the boat

It wasn't that I did
Not want to go on
Holiday with my blood father.
It wasn't worth rocking the boat
With my parents whom I lived with.
I got a hard enough time
Just for seeing him
A few times a month.
I asked my mum,
Saying that my dad
Wanted me to go
On a holiday with him.
She said: he is not your dad.
Just your biological father.
So I'm not allowed to go?
And she pretended not to hear me.
If I had went with him
I would have had
Hell to pay when I came back.
She would have said
Why don't you go
And live with him then?
What did he buy
You when you were away?
He takes you on
One holiday and
Now he is the bees knees?
Oh look chuffed to bits,
She's been brainwashed.
I couldn't have went
On a holiday with him.
I couldn't split myself in two
And keep both sides happy.
I was all ready on the fence
And I couldn't do anything more.
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Old 08-04-2020, 08:38 AM   #4
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Damaged goods

All the years we were together
He never bought me anything.
He bought a bicycle for
Me when we bought the house.
We were going to
Go cycles at the weekend
If I mentioned it
He was never
That enthusiastic.
That was the one and
Only thing he got me.
We were going to go
On a ski-ing holiday.
When we talked about it
He never exactly
Jumped at the chance.
Snowboarding reminded him
Of his old troupe
So we never went again.
I would liked to have went.
I hinted at buying
My own board, boots etc.
But we never got
Around to it.
I was tired from working
And at the weekend
I preferred to be
Able to talk to people
Since I was in
A back room with
The same colleague/s.
It wasn't easy to save
After buying a house and the bills.
We should have been ecstatic
That we were
On the property ladder.
Happy and proud that our hard work
Had payed off.
Our families helped
Us out because we
We both had
A good work ethic
And everyone thought
We would marry in
The near future.

Last edited by Lunatyc; 08-04-2020 at 09:04 AM..
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Old 08-07-2020, 02:38 PM   #5
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Damaged goods

When I said I tried
To scare him off
It was similar to
Having a forehead in hand moment
A tap of the forehead
On my wobbly bed post.
I wouldn't want to
Conjure up an
Exorcism of Emily Rose scenario.
Sorry to disappoint.
My breakdown was
Like Heath Ledger in Candy.
Writing accross surfaces,
And a Don Delillo stunt through
The linoleum of Britain's
Leading supermarket.
My friends tried to say
They didn't know it
Was anything more than alcohol.
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Old 08-07-2020, 02:45 PM   #6
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Damaged goods

The doctor knew I wasn't a drug user.
You see your body as a temple.
Letting myself go was a hard process.
I went out running
When I got home, in time.
Took me time to wind
Down after trying
To keep all the balls in the air.
Failure doesn't cover it.
I jumped before I fell.
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Old 08-08-2020, 02:21 PM   #7
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Damaged goods

I didn't want to faint
Into the back of
Electrical machinery.
I would have been
Done for if I had passed out.
There was a case
Of lucozade under the desk.
I simply wasn't thinking.
I was slightly depressed
But my survival instincts
Were wholly intact.
Taking an overdose
Was a reaction to feeling
Like I had no other way out.
There was nowhere to run
When I had no money.
In a new relationship
The time would arrive
When I had no option but to come
Clean about the hospital business.
The voice of doubt
Was hard to silence
When it feels like there's not one
Person who thinks you
Are worthy of more.
When your own family
Think you all ready have
More than you deserve.
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Old 08-08-2020, 04:11 PM   #8
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Damaged goods

Bright eyed and bushy tailed.
I can't blame them for
Not wanting to
Work with two wife beaters under one roof.
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Old 08-09-2020, 09:26 AM   #9
Lunatyc
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Default Re: Damaged goods

Not having my name
On the mortgage did
Not matter to me.
I was only 21.
I wasn't thinking
Along the lines
Of if we split up.
It cost the same
As renting a flat.
He did not want
Me to better myself
Even though I needed more.
That's why I was depressed.
I realised that I
Was needing more
And it wasn't going
To happen unless
We went our separate ways.
In order to be well I had to leave.
He owes me money
From the house we
Both invested all the sweat and tears in.
I left with nothing
He never offered
To give me anything
Not one single
Bit of furniture. Zilch. Zero.
He was a selfish pig.
It pains me to call
Any man that.
I know that there
Are kind and caring gentlemen out there.
When he said I'd probably
Never have a good job,
I let it slide because
Other people had wrote me off.
I don't feel guilty for prepping
My book to publish.
Then I can
Hold my head up high.
I can publish it on am*****
Make an e-book.
It's not too late to
Halt the wheels of progress. Countdown.
It should be in circulation before Christmas.
Whatever it takes.
I'll post a link for you all when it's done : ) : ) : )

Last edited by Lunatyc; 08-09-2020 at 09:39 AM..
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