I'm consumed by GUILT!!!

Hi Everyone,

I was glad to find a forum for "dependent personality disorder's"... I've been on my own for over 20 years, but b/c of chronic pain and depression, I lost everything including my nursing career, friends, fiancee and my home, etc... I had to move back home with my mom & s-dad. This is a very toxic environment for me to be in and all of my doctors/specialists/counselor's...have told me that I "must move away from the dysfunction that I'm living with. In addition, I've fallen into the caretaker roll with my mom and s-dad, and I'm not up to the task physically or emotionally! I must move...yet I have so much guilt when I think of leaving them now that they are older and not in good health. But, my own health is failing fast and I can't get Medical Assistance unless I move out and into my own place, b/c the County I live in, includes my mom and s-dad's income as my own! I need a lot of support to let go of these guilt feelings. My mom and s-dad do not feel guilty at all about my health issues and have no mercy when I'm in such horrible pain... As long as I'm here they have someone to help with (or totally do) the cleaning, vacuuming, laundry, errands, etc... I am in therapy and am on SSDI disability, so my income is shameful! I don't know what to do. I know I'm an excellent codependent which stems from being raised in a very violent/alcoholic/dysfunctional atmosphere. I do attend al-anon and ACOA meetings (pain permitting). Any support, suggestions, friendships, etc... would be GREATLY appreciated!
Thanks so much,
Kathy K.
willow215@gmail.com

You can't live for your mom and stepdad! Their health is their health and can't be impacted by you. You can only work on your health and it sounds like that would be best served out of there.

It might help to think in terms of maybe you will get stronger/feel better and in the future, be in position to help them again? Think like they advise on plane trips; get the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping children and others as, if you can't breathe, you can't be of help to anyone else.

This is a tough spot to be in. I wish I had something helpful to suggest but I don't.

The logical thing to do would be to move, but when logic comes against emotion, it rarely wins... This truly is a matter dealing with emotional investment. It might help to figure out a compromise with living by yourself, and setting up a regular schedule for you to do minimal help for your mom and s-dad. They might not be satisfied, but people adjust...

You need to be able to move and be comfortable, so if you have to cut back on the cleaning and care taking, then maybe have a serious talk with your folks. I know it's hard, but there could be an empathy based way of stating your needs, while addressing their own, along with what other means you can try and think up to help them too. Maybe if they were included in the brainstorming, they might feel more in control of their own lives, and able to meet you half way. Maybe not, but it might be worth a try...

I'm sure your mom will be fine if the cleaning doesn't get done. I'm assuming they can feed themselves. If not, they'll need to make arrangements for that. You do no one any service by staying. It's not like you are cutting them off from you or disowning them. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. If they complain, just say "I'm sure you'll be fine" and mean it. Have confidence in your parents to take care of themselves. You are in poor health. You owe it to your family to do what is right to get yourself back on track.
I'm sorry for your difficult upbringing. People don't realize how much that kind of pain keeps hurting. If you broke your leg, no one would take your crutches and say if you don't walk on it you'll never get better. They let you heal first. But emotional wounds are not respected in the same way even though they can be more dibilitating.
Big hug. I'm sure you'll do the right thing. Only you know all the details of your decision.

I admit that one things for sure? I'm consumed by guilt. I'm not ashamed to my mistakes at all?!!! Grrrrrrr!!!!!!! I'm only human and. God does know who. I am and where all my falls and slip ups too!! I'm an imperfect angel anyway? I know that but what the hell hmmm!!! I just don't give a f**k anymore anyways? I just want him to put me outta my misery and be done with it?

sometimes you just have to do what will be best for yourself, if you have been told that its not good for you to be living there you need to find a way to move out that you are comfortable with, like maybe get a place close by so you can still go see them and help them out but in a way thats healthier for you>?