Thoughts on my condition.

The longer I try to make this post, the more difficult it becomes. I'd just end up sounding like some self-pitying wuss. I went on for a while about all these positive traits I supposedly have. How I'm such a quitter and a failure, because I find it so difficult to put myself out there, be it university essays or talking to new people, that I give up before I even start to think about trying. Maybe three or four paragraphs of self-loathing nonsense.

I want to make it clear that I recognize all that I've been given. I have no illusions about how lucky I am. All of my problems are in fact my own fault, unlike many of you out there who are not to blame for your vulnerabilities. I have experienced no abuse, suffering or starvation, other than what I've done to myself. I am undeserving of all the talents and intelligence and health that I have.

By twelve, I recognized what a horrible place is Earth, how full of people in pain. By fourteen, I knew what happens when you die. By sixteen, I actively wanted death. I have no fear of it. I'm far more terrified of trying and failing.

So I drink. I do anything I can to keep myself distracted.

I can't do this. I can't sit here and talk about my philosophically driven yearning for death to so many people who have it worse than me. My problems are my own fault, and I have no right to ask for help. Good luck to all of you. Sorry for wasting...everything.

Hello & Welcome, Doesntmatter!

Does philosophy drive your dark yearnings, or does it accompany them?

Isn't it the weirdest thing? I was watching a show about a horrible accident a woman had--she was a jockey in a horse race competition and a spooked horse ran into her horse, both going 40 mph... Long story short, both horses had to be killed and the woman had a severe brain injury to the point where they considered taking her off life support. Eventually she recovered and is obviously not the same as before--she can't speak coherently, limps badly and in general her life is so much smaller. But she was so grateful to be given the opportunity to live again.

Though some of us have tried taking away our own lives, we're all still able to type our thoughts here on psychcentral...so technically we're better off than her. Why do we still feel the way we do? There must be something all of us are missing in our lives but we just can't pinpoint it. The woman in my example had a loving partner and some friends at the track rooting her on...Is it the need to belong? The opportunity to be something greater than ourselves--to believe we can accomplish what we want to? Is it the emotional support of friends and family? I don't know... it could be all of these. At least in my mind, it has to be one of these...

We may be living in a cruel world; we're reminded of it every day. But each day is different, some bad, others bland and a few good. I think we all need to just keep searching for the things we lack.

Buckle up, buttercup...

Ok everyone! Just pretend to be normal...
- Little Miss Sunshine

I think about similar things like the blind guy who climbed Mt Everest, the 2/3 of the world population that lives on about $3/day, and I wonder how I can feel bad about anything. Literally billions of people pray to have our problems. Still at times I feel bad and am curious how I would feel if I could trade positions with them for a day. While some of them barely make it day to day, you often see 3rd world people laughing and enjoying life. Seems odd, but they are happy and I wonder how. What secret do they have that I don't. Attitude/hope/community/family? They make the best of what they have. I could learn a lesson from that.

hello it doesn't matter. U matter, & reading your post made me feel hopeful because I to share some of the dark feelings that you have.

you posted to the depression support group, so maybe you have depression, reading your post sounds like some of the symptoms. The next step is reaching out for help... and you are worth it. I have taken antidepressants and it has greatly improved my life, why not give it a try?
You can go herbal or prescription, it can help brighten you spirit!
U R worth it and hang in there!

((((doesntmatter))))

Welcome to PC and thank you for posting. You have not wasted anyones time. What you said had much value for it came from you who also has value. What you feel is just as important as what the next person feels. For no ones pain is measure here but accepted for what it is. There is no judgement only support, encouragement, and lots of hugs.

Many here have felt similar to how you are feeling. Many times I too have felt that what I have to say is not of importance. That I am way too long winded and that no one wants to hear what I have to say. But there are many here that understand and have felt much the way you have. It takes courage to reach out and let yourself be heard.

I hope you will continue to post and share with us your thoughts. You never know when something you might say could be just the thing someone might need at that moment. Or that you might say something that will help someone else who may not know how to say it but needs to. You will soon become one of many of us here all important and all needing to be heard at some point.

I am glad you posted. Know that we are listening and we care how you feel. Sending gentle hugs.

dps

In order to feel suffering, one must first know joy. Maybe we can help you find a bit of it! Welcome to PC.

Hello, doesntmatter. Beating up on yourself is wasted energy. Take a look here: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

This may come as a shock to you, but some people actually enjoy life. They even enjoy their jobs. They like nature and the Earth so much that they are actively trying to "save the planet." Studies have shown that many people in third world countries with few material benefits, people you would think are really suffering, are actually "happier" than many people in this country who have plenty. An Existential Humanist therapy would be a good fit for you based on the concerns you are expressing.

darkpurplesecrets...That was well said.

TheByzantine...I thought CBT only had 10 cognitive distortions. I guess I need to learn 5 more.

Sometimes, when you think it "doesntmatter", is when you realize that it really does!

How are you doing, ItDOESmatter?

Meaning is subjective.

"I am fine, thanks." As much as I may want to die, I'm very good at procrastinating. Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow, and all that.

Normal folk think of suicide in terms of "I would need to be suffering so much to want to die". I, however, have to find excuses to live. Some days it's easier than others.

Well, whatever, I'm tired. Sweet dreams.

I suppose the meaning of subjective is subjective too. And life is a matter of perspective -- our own. And the leading minds years ago were certain the Earth was flat. And with all this kerfuffling going on, you need an excuse to live? Such high muck a muck!

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I want you to know you are not alone in this, however I do not want to die. I want to live and live well.

However, I am terrified of failure...so much so that I get to the end of a thing and set myself up for it. That sounds so strange doesn't it? I am currently in University and in my last few classes. I am in so much pain with fear of failure that I can hardly do anything. I am actually failing a Poli Sci class and I have had "A"s in the previous 3. Why? Why am I in so much pain I am practically immobile? I do not want to fail but yet I am so afraid of it that it fights against me from completing the task at hand...something I should easily be able to accomplish.

Are you seeing a doctor?
Mine increased my meds yesterday because I am so unable to climb out of the whole I have dug for myself.

I do understand and live daily with the fear of failing, to the point I procrastinate and set myself up for failure. I know what that is and I live with it.

You are not alone.

You will find a lot of support on these forums...really.

Good luck with that. That's pretty much what I did for 3 years of university. I only passed the last year because my teachers took pity on me.

I know that I will be the cause of my own death. In a way, that's a comfort. I don't fear any danger. I will push everyone away until my tendency to quit catches on. I will make everyone give up on me, so I won't have to feel guilty when I put a bullet through my heart. You can not help me. Give it up. You are wasting your time.

I hope I can be gentle. I am a mum who just lost a son
expressing thoughts like yourself.
DEATH is not what we all think it is .
It certainly isnt something to desire.
I hope your meds are still helping you.
When I told my sons psych doc about losing him
he just said "Why didn't he ring me?"
Maybe something is influencing you
to be stuck in these thoughts.
Anyway I felt Id like to have my say about it.
Forgive me if I annoy you.
We are here because we want to reach out to others
as well as have them reach out to us.
.....only kind thoughts for you..Jjulia

This is no contest. You are right. I have no control over what you say or do. Nor do I want to have any control.

As far as wasting time, you started this thread. If you seek help, there is help. If you are simply amusing yourself, I hope you are having fun.

Love yourself. Be well.

Are you afraid of failure or are you afraid of success? It looks like with the 3 "A"s you were on a trajectory to success. That is when you decided to hit the brakes.

I'm sorry to hear about your son, Julia. For you, not for him. I don't know what you think "we all" think death is. I know what it is. It is a release from all pain and responsibility for the person who gets it, and a cause of pain for everyone left behind that cares about that person. You are the latter. It's truly miserable that you suffer.

And yes, Byzantine. This is me amusing myself. The concept that I could potentially make a "support community" give up on me makes me giddy inside. I am another SN on another thread of thousands of people here that are truly unhappy. Unlike most of them, however, I am ACTUALLY at fault for my problems. I am the one who has set my standards so high that any chance of reaching them is doomed, and I am the one who chooses to quit rather than really try. I am the one who finds all the bad in the world as too damn much, and would rather not be a part of it.

I'm going to stop talking now because I am tired. I've only eaten a salad today (and not one of those fat American salads with heavy dressing and meat), and I've taken about three vicodin and five shots. No, it's not some bloody suicide attempt (which would take WAY more of both, and require some anti-nausea drugs to prevent vomiting). I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I make the attempt it will be one of the few things I succeed at. I was enjoying it, until I got all dizzy. Still, gotta appreciate the proper English I've displayed, despite the intoxication.

I Think We All Need To Keep A Determined And Courageous Stance As Far As 'Living Life' Is Concerned... While I Respect Other People's Point Of View I'd Like To Point Out Some Important Details That Have Been Missed... The 'People' Who We Describe As 'Happy' 'People Of The Third World'... Such People Are Not 'Actually' Happy Rather It Is A 'Mask' To Hide Their Wounds And Sorrows...Now It Is Perfectly OkaY If Somebody Is Capable Of 'Masking' Their True Feelings And Living In A Fake Reality But Not All Of Us Can Just 'Pretend' Things Are Alright...To Add More Spice To This Down To Earth Reality Even People Who Suffer From Depression Are 'Capable' And Actually 'Do' Put On A Mask To 'Hide' Their Pain Which Doesnot AT ALL mean that they are actually 'Happy'.... Clearly If You Look At It This Way You May Even Conclude That The So Called 'Hapiness' In This FU**K UP World Is Actually A Rotten Facade To Prevent The Hard Core Judgemental Folks From Having A Ground Breaking ByLine...There May Even Be Folks Who 'ARE' Actually Happy But Such Individuals Are Those Who 'HAVE' Real Love In Their Lives... A REAL SUPPORT SYSTEM To Hold Them And Protect Them...Such A Support System Is One In Which People Actually 'SPEND' Time With You, 'TAKE' Time Out To Be With You And 'ACTUALLY' Want to be with you instead of just meeting you to fulfil their own 'vested interests' A.K.A Selfish Snobs! This Vested Interest Extends To Even Those 'Kool Group' Hangouts Where Backslapping Catcalling And Meeting For The Sake Of Passing Boredom Takes Place... Hence To Conclude 'The World Is Cruel Colourless And Mean' And True Happiness Is A Fairy Tale Or Rather An Oasis In A Huge Desert... So Whoever Gets That Oasis Should Hold On To It Like A Rope That Holds A Mountaineer Trying To Conquer A Tall Steep Mountain!